melissa, continued . . .

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, bug.

My H pushes my buttons on almost a daily basis lately.


Stop having all those buttons. Turn them off. You DO control the "circuit breaker".

I hardly ever respond to any of his texts or emails. I can see why he would be frustrated by that. But he isn't seeming to get it that I'm not going to talk to him when he is pushing my buttons.


Tell him when YOU feel attacked or blamed, it hinders your ability to communicate well & parent as effectively as you want. So you'll use your L b/c you have enough to deal with, emotionally. And for the sake of your children you need to heal and process this as quickly as you can. HIS behavior effects you; so you shall minimize it from now on...Put zero spin in your words and again, remember, all of what you write may later be read by a judge. I think your h writes his notes to you, with that in mind, btw. Not to sabotage you but to protect himself b/c in HIS world view, he is the victim.

Years ago I did some criminal defense work Melissa. About 5-10 of my over 300 clients, took real responsibility for their crimes. Most FELT JUSTIFIED (1)"it wasn't me, 2) if I did it, I had to, 3) you'd have done the same thing, 4) everyone does this but I got caught/punished MORE than others", etc)...

No I'm not calling your h a crook. I'm merely reminding you that very few people choose to be a jerk, knowingly. We all rationalize our behaviors. All of us...


When I told him about a month ago that I would not respond to any disrespectful communications, he went on a long rant about how it was all my fault and I don't deserve respect, and how he would think I would *want* to communicate with him in order to not make him angry.

Stay on message. This is a campaign in a way. Don't lose focus or engage. Stay on message. BRIEFLY and don't bring up old stuff. He'll tune it out. The briefer you are (not rude, but brief) the easier it will be for him to "hear" you...

That is all to say that I am not convinced that he is learning anything about how to talk to me if he wants me to listen, but I guess at least I am doing the best I can to protect myself.

That's all you will get and all you control. Do not concern yourself with whether he is "learning anything about how"..to do or say anything. Why are you even letting thoughts of HIS behavior cross YOUR mind now? You know that you have no control over him so stop monitoring for results FROM HIM...

monitor YOU. Stay on your path of growth and stay on message.

If you truly believe you are doing right by your kids and your future, that will have to be enough for you to find and hold onto, internal peace. And when you are doing this, (being at peace, growing & staying on message) then turn your marriage over to the BIG GUY upstairs, and hold your head high .

When it comes to blame . . . why does it bother me? I don't know. I guess I care too much about what he thinks? I don't want him to think that?

of course^^ all of the above and your own internal fears that he has some validity in his views. You were married a long time. Naturally this happens.
When you come to know that you have done your best to be your best self, you'll find some internal peace. It will have to be enough, Melissa.


Or maybe it's just so maddening that I continue to expect him to be sane and rational and am constantly disappointed. I really need to drop that expectation. Quite frankly, unrealistic expectations of my H is what got me into this mess in the first place.

Indeed^^^...I suspect he has seen your dashed hopes/expectations and his experience of that, was that you were blaming him...his experience of that was you being "bitchy" to him. Your resentment may well have been justified but to him, it's just more anger from you.

So it really boils down to whether you want to be happy, or "right".

I know you SAY you want to be happy. But dig deep and see if there's more there, to wanting to be declared "right". B/c it's a colossal waste of time and it delays your arrival, at the other side of this...

Make sense?