Divorce on the table, Hoping for Miracle 2

[Groov]

What do you all think of the "No more Mr. nice guy" groups / methods?

[Groov]

The response I got back from the letter I sent. (Using machs template)

Groov,
Thank you for responding to and considering my email.  I do understand that we are discussing life changing events, and I'm happy to give you until the end of the week to consider.  Friday by 5pm should be reasonable.   I'm sure that you'll agree that my initiating this process in early December has given you adequate time to consider how you'd like to proceed, regardless of how you have chosen to utilize that time.  I have continued to ask for your input and suggestions on matters, but your lack of responsiveness has placed me in a position where I feel it necessary to establish some time frames that I will be operating in to move this process forward.  As I mentioned before, It's very difficult to figure out how best to care for our children when I can't get a sense of the "big picture."  Financially I feel a tremendous burden, and I need some clarity as to how this is all going to play out.  I acknowledge that you're not against me.  In turn, I hope that you'll continue to feel that from my side as well.  I would, however, urge you to strongly consider what is in the best interest of our children as your trying to work through "what's best for you."   As I've put together this proposal, the children and your expressed desires have been in the forefront of my mind.

Below is my proposal for a non-contested divorce:
Steps for non-contested divorce: 1)agreement, 2)sign stipulation, 3)divorce class, 4)file Docs, 5)90 day wait, 6)judge signs decree

Cost: $950 for Attorney/paperwork, $318 for court fee, $55 per person for divorce edu class

 

Custody:              Joint Legal Custody (50/50)

                              Primary Physical Custody to mother

 

Parent-time:       Based on statute at minimum, additional visits by agreement

Child Support:     Averaged by 2012/2013 income

                              Medical/Dental 50/50 for Kids

                              Childcare/extracurricular activities 50/50

                              Tax Dependents 50/50

Property and Debts:

                              Debt 50/50

                              Marital residence outright to Groov

                              Investment properties outright to Wife

                              See spread sheet for additional assets

Alimony:              no alimony in lieu of cash equity from properties

 

Steps for contested Divorce, general process: 1)file and serve, 2)respond/answer, 3)hearing and temporary orders assessed, 4)discovery/explore settlement/mediation, experts and custody evaluation, 5)Pre-trial confirmation, 6)Final Trial

Cost: $2500 deposit, $190/hr.  End cost...  unknown.



If we go to a contested divorce, the alteration to above will be:  the max child support with no negotiation, back child support for the past eight months, full alimony, liquidation of all properties for a clean 50/50 break.  I suppose where this goes is up to you.  I'd strongly prefer the more peaceful and cost effective way.  We can both move on in respect and as friends if we work together on this.  However, if you feel I'm unreasonable or unfair, I suppose we can drain every last cent on fees and court costs.  Please let me know what you're thinking.



Thanks,

W

[Groov]

I talked with W on the phone and extended her deadline to this tuesday.

Not sure how to approach this. I am coming to a place where I am not afraid financially. It bothers me that she keeps leaving the choices up to me. As though I am the one causing all this and future problems.

When it comes down to it at this point all I care about is sharing as much life with our kids than anything else.

[Mach1]

Not sure how to approach this. I am coming to a place where I am not afraid financially. It bothers me that she keeps leaving the choices up to me.

What do YOU need to live for you and your kids ??

That is where your answer lies.....

As though I am the one causing all this and future problems.

It IS all your fault...

Didn't you get the memo ??

Textbook WAS there...

It WILL all be your fault, until it isn't anymore.

When is that ??

Only when she decides that it is.....

So why not just move forward with your life, and live the way that you want to. And if she decides one day, that things aren't as bad as what she convinced herself that they were ???

Sounds like something that I read in a DB book somewhere....

It doesn't matter who is wrong, or at fault right now, so why live like it is....

You aren't a victim of this, unless you allow yourself to be......

[AnotherStander]

Groov, her terms sound reasonable to me, the only thing I'm not sure of is the equity in your home versus the equity in the investment properties. If that's fairly equal then it looks to me like she's agreeing to a 50-50 split with no alimony and no CS. I would jump at that deal rather than try and contest. DO NOT keep dragging this out, you can't stop the D train and if you try you're just going to make her angry, and you will STILL end up D'd. You have to separate your desire to reconcile from the D process, trying to stall the D is not going to contribute to reconciliation.

[Groov]

I assure you she is asking for CS, and it is based on the last 24 months. I had an unusually good year last year in that my income was doubled.

My other issue here is with the high CS I will have a tough time holding on to our residence.

Also another issue I have is Child custody. I have been thinking a lot about this and am not wanting to be a parttime dad with a minimum of 111 days. I would like to see a 50/50%, of course this affects CS as well...

[Groov]

we have 2 properties that are underwater for a total liability of 33k We have 2 properties above water at an equity of about 55k the primary res, is at about 6-8k Equity.

She is not taking alimony because surplus equity in the rentals. She is wanting child support. So far calculated at 1350 a month. Which is more than my net earnings of my full time job... Real estate income fluctuates....

She is also not willing to calculate the income from the rental properties as she sees them all as a liability.

[Groov]

Update,

W is scheduling mediation today. It will probably be a month or so until it happens.

Talked with a db coach last week and she asked me to see if W was willing to call her. Said to approach it as that the DB coach wants to know both sides of the "pancake" so she can help me out through this.

I asked W and she gave me the 20 questions on this. I made a mistake by skirting around using the words divorce busting coach. She called me on it and told me that this was one of the problems and thinks I am manipulative by not telling the whole truth. To be honest I was afraid... this is so hard!

Well, a couple of days later she writes an email that wants to get things moving along mediation wise. She also wants to be able to sit down before mediation and Ideally negotiate things so we don't need to pay for a mediator. Her tone in the email was different and not so threatening as the previous emails.

I took a stand, I have nothing to lose. I want at least half time with my kids, I want fair treatment, I am willing to liquidate everything for a "clean break". I am willing to pay fair child support and alimony as the law dictates. This came across in my email response to her. To be honest I decided to not be afraid of losing the marital home, or anything else. I decided to not give into fear. I wish I could say that I have pure love in my heart... I am working on that.

W while changing her tone did agree to talk to the DB coach, "As long as it is not a session for me and a last chance at reconciliation"

On a positive spin... This is the first time I have heard or seen the word reconciliation be used by W...

So as of today, I gave the go ahead on her setting up mediation with an agreed upon mediator. Set up the phone call with the db coach for next Monday night.

I will be seeing W as I pick up the kids tonight for the weekend. I have decided to be playful and a great listener in all my interactions with W from this point on. Also I will be strong, honest, authentic, and loving. I have been learning a lot about myself and truly want to be a great man. I no longer desire to be on W's roller coaster. Or focusing on her moods, actions and life.

I am going through this, Hell or highwater. Not around not over not under but through. I am getting stronger and stronger in this. I am facing demons. Mostly I am accepting the darkness in me and not having Shame. This is my god given life the darkness and the light. I no longer want to seek approval for feigning a perfect exterior. I no longer need approval. I just want to be ok with me as I am rough edges and all.

Thanks for listing my DBing friends. Keep up the good and valuable work.

Groov

[NeedingMore]

Hi Groov,
I am proud of you...good inner work!
Any updates? Curious to know how that DB call went!!
NM

[Groov]

Mediation is done and an agreement made... Just need to take a parenting class and Groov will be divorced... 30 days or less.

I am saddened by this and wish I could have a complete understanding of what has happened in the mind and heart of STBX.

I have grown so much in this past year and plan on continuing to. I don't want to sound defeated... but to be honest I have seen sitchs way more worse than mine turn around... Just want to be authentic and express my disappointment. Thanks DB friends for the continuing support through the toughest time in my life to date. Still standing.

Groov