Just left my CoDa meeting ..After meeting, some people telling me I should let W know i am sorry for being verbally/emotionally abusive and controlling during our marriage and that I understand she does not deserve to be treated that way and that I am continuing on my recovery to address my unhealthy behavioral patterns ...does this make any sense? I planned to just work on myself to not be that way anymore and she should notice without me telling her ..mind you im sure she has noticed even up to this point ..advice? Btw, we had a great day today, out for lunch with the whole family and shopping, then returned home and we had a sitter so W met her girlfriends and I went to my meeting ...now home with W helping with the kids with some Irish food in the crock pot and some guiness beer for dinner ...with W saying we should watch another movie tonight ...no tension at all today ...
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
W and I had good discussion last night. She wants to find a group to help her learn to forgive, let go and love again but hasn't found one. If anyone knows of such a support group/organization I would be interested to hear. W also agreed to attend RetroV weekend first weekend of May and for the 6 weekly post sessions. W mentioned how devastated her family is that she wants D and wishes somehow how we could make it work but just doesn't know how. I said i would see if I could find a group for her ..she said thanks and that she recognizes she has issues too ...she told me that she forgives me for everything but inside knows she hasn't because she keeps bringing up the past issues with me and just can't let go of them. A lot of these support groups talk about healing yourself and moving on ..Obviously I want one that would be pro marriage ...going to start looking online today and see what's out there.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
In MWD's talks she says to focus on what you're doing right. Clearly, your W isn't totally unforgiving, she does forgive and move on sometimes so maybe point that out and get her to do the same steps with this. Just a thought . . .
i guess i should tell her we need to quit it ..not like its leading to anything else anyway ...
No,you don't tell her that she should stop or even that "you" will. You decide what you will do and then just do it.
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W mentioned how devastated her family is that she wants D and wishes somehow how we could make it work but just doesn't know how. I said i would see if I could find a group for her ..
There you go again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi for the info ...so don't offer to help her? I mean she is not stable and even says so herself ..so I need to detach and just leave her hanging to figure things out on her own? I should not have suggested RetroV? Please elaborate ..i want to "get it".
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I don't know what all was said in the discussion the two of you had. Did she ask you to do the work b/c she was too unstable? Did she say she was incapable of knowing how to find help, or did you volunteer?
I don't think you give her enough credit. You still want to rescue and help her like she's physically or mentally challenged. She is a big girl and should have been wearing her big girl panties a long time ago, but why should she when you are so willing to clean up behind her.
Your post said she wanted to find a group to help her learn how to forgive, let go, and love again. But did she say to love "you" again? And she already has her girlfriends as a group. None of them could make a suggestion.......if she were to ask for help?
She mentioned how devasted herfamily is that she wants a divorce.
The things in your post sound, to me, like you were asking her questions in that discussion, and those were the type of answers you were getting from her.
You said she also agreed to attend Retro'ville in May. Did that subject come up in the discussion, or had she agreed to it previously? And are you saying you want to find something in addition for her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. She asked me because I have been successful finding a couple groups for me but you're right she's LAZY and "i clean up behind her". Her girlfriends just use her and are enablers ... two are divorced and the other in a 3+ year affair. Im going to drop the issue and see if she raises it again or does something on her own.
Good point on her family being devastated because of her filing not herself. She talked about how her mom and dad felt not her. RetroV came up in the discussion, previously she did not agree to it because she didn't know what it was about she said ...we looked online and read about it together and then she said ok.
Yesterday W had plans to go out for St. Patricks Day with girlfriends at 530 so I said i would be home so she could get out. I have always arrived home exactly when I said i would ..well yesterday I gave her a "taste of her own medicine" and text her at 530 saying I'll be home at 6 and if that was ok ...she said sure but no later ...well at 555 she text again telling me to be on time. I didn't respond and when I got home shortly after 6 she asked me where I have been and not like me to do that. I just said i had things to do. Heck, I can't tell you how many times she has told me she will be home at a certain time and comes home several hours later.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
RetroV came up in the discussion, previously she did not agree to it because she didn't know what it was about she said ...we looked online and read about it together and then she said ok.
So have you registered?
I have never attended, but have heard great things.
Yes, her girlfriends sound like a negative influence in her life. She will have to see it for herself. But I bet she can figure out most anything she's really interested in doing.
She may look into some group she feels will help "her" with personal problems, but don't get your hopes up that she will look for a M support type. She's not really interested in saving the M at this point.
But if she agreed to attend Retro, and the follow-up program, it might have the positive influence she needs. I wouldn't push for anything more right now.
I know this is very hard and you want to grasp at any straw out there. But if you find it and set it up for her.....and even take her to the meeting, you can't make her want to reconcile the M. When she comes back to you, it doesn't need to be for any reason but b/c she wants to be with you. You can try to pressure her and the family may show their disapproval, but what would you have if she stayed simply b/c she was pressured into not getting a D? You may be willing to accept those reasons, but I promise you, she will be have more resentment than she ever had in the past. The two of you would live out your M in misery.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I recognize you are right and I do want to grasp at any straw out there. But as everyone says you cannot change your spouse only they can change themselves. I agree that W can figure out anything she's REALLY INTERESTED in. I had some doubts but after your post I thought well she figured out how to get a divorce!
W agreed to RetroV when we first talked and then came home from work yesterday and said I looked at it some more and there are all these followup sessions ..so we would need someone to have the kids for a whole weekend and then for the following 6 Saturday nights ...I just said we could figure that out if we had to . She said i dont know right now. I said i thought you agreed to go and she said no i agreed to think about it ...so im just letting it go again at this point and she can bring it up if she wants as she is now familiar with the program.
W mood swings are unbelievable ..The night before things seemed positive and last night she then says things like "i have no space, in the morning you are seeing me and the kids off, if I come home during the day you are here (i work from home), at night your home (last night I got home at 8) ...i mean isn't that what a father does - in the morning, say bye to his kids? Aren't families home together some or I would like to think most days after school and work - have dinner, get kids to bed, then kick back and do some reading or TV watching or whatever? I'm out two nights a week, usually Thursday and Saturday and if W was out two days ...that would have us together as a family 3 nights a week. Is the W and I together after kids go to bed 3 nights a week too much? We're not even "together" per se all of the time. Some nights i may just read a novel or do something else on my own. Last night W says I'm going out tomorrow night around 9. I just said ok. She going out with her girlfriend that's has no marriage and is in an affair - i know I can't do anything about it but wish she would "see the light". This morning I packed the kids lunches and had breakfast with them and said goodbye and then went to my office so W did not need to see me. Kids said aren't you going to help mom get our stuff in the car, etc..i just told them that mom said she needs some space because I'm always around. When I was in my office W and kids left for work and school - not one word spoken with W - first time in 20+ years that when we were both home in the morning not a single word was spoken.
The whole sitch is hard but im just going to focus on myself. The D is moving forward and I wish the W would be willing to try everything before "throwing in the towel" but all I can do is have hope ..cant make her ..she has to want it and right now her view is "its too little too late" ..."I'm done - accept it" - really s*cks.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
