Funny you point this out. I'm having some difficulty with someone rather close to me IRL. I had to ask myself the same questions last week. Once I realized that he hit a nerve, we talked about it and I found out what his issues were. And he gave me the chance to tell him why I felt the way I did.
Things are much better, but I also know that when your buttons are pushed, sometimes it's like getting stung by a wasp. You yell and scream because it hurts - and you have to deal with the swelling and pain. Only after those things are tended can you sit back and figure out what happened.
Melissa - I think I've commented more than once that your H knows full well how to push your buttons. It's probably what makes him a good lawyer. Which means he's also pretty good at reading people and knowing their soft spots. The only way to change that dance is to make those buttons ineffective.
Even if you don't really know a specific path to follow, I found the best way to start is to pick one aspect of communication that needs to change. CHANGE. And then be consistent with those changes. I know you're a girl who likes examples, so I'll give you the single one that worked best for me...
I was one of those people who felt the need to react (and I do mean react) to things said immediately. That negative trait caused things to spiral out of control quickly, and rendered me completely defenseless when I needed it the most. So I forced myself to institute the 24 hour rule for anything that I felt needed a response. What I discovered is that 80-90% of the time, I really didn't *need* to respond, and it eliminated those knee jerk moments where I started spewing. But if the issue was warranted, the need to address it was still there 24 hours later - just without all the emotion.
I'm not suggesting that be your focal point. Clearly your H gets agitated when he thinks that you're ignoring him.
So maybe the 180 is to tell him, "I know you feel I'm ignoring you when I don't answer immediately - because that's how I used to do things - but I'm trying to think things through before I answer you. Will you please grant me that time so that I consider what you've said and how I feel before lighting in to me?"
If he's reasonable, he'll start connecting the dots and give you that time. From what I've read, he seems to be the one who needs the 24 hour rule, but we can't advise him here, can we?
For the record, I'm kinda disappointed in how he dealt with that conversation with your kids. But whoever said to drop the rope and deal with the fallout is pretty much dead on. You can't corral the horses since he opened the barn door and they fled. So now it's time for Plan B.
I like the idea of family counseling under the umbrella of creating new coping mechanisms and hashing out agreements going forward. They're hard - you've not done this before, so don't hold yourself to the standard of knowing this up front. I think being open to new ways and ideas is the most important thing.
Happy St. Patricks Day!
Betsey (yes, wearing my green and all thing Celtic today)
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
