My H pushes my buttons on almost a daily basis lately. I hardly ever respond to any of his texts or emails. I can see why he would be frustrated by that. But he isn't seeming to get it that I'm not going to talk to him when he is pushing my buttons.
When I told him about a month ago that I would not respond to any disrespectful communications, he went on a long rant about how it was all my fault and I don't deserve respect, and how he would think I would *want* to communicate with him in order to not make him angry.
That is all to say that I am not convinced that he is learning anything about how to talk to me if he wants me to listen, but I guess at least I am doing the best I can to protect myself.
When it comes to blame . . . why does it bother me? I don't know. I guess I care too much about what he thinks? I don't want him to think that? Or maybe it's just so maddening that I continue to expect him to be sane and rational and am constantly disappointed. I really need to drop that expectation. Quite frankly, unrealistic expectations of my H is what got me into this mess in the first place.
This ^^^is Mel focusing on Mel
Does it really matter what he thinks of you? Does it matter what anyone thinks of you? That's how we get stuck playing the blame-shame-guilt game. I'm saying this as gently as I can, it's evident here when you disagree with something someone has written about your sitch you come back with paragraphs defending yourself. It's as if some weakness has been exposed and you have to put that wall up before you're further exposed. I was a master at that.
When we're not afraid of exposing our weaknesses (we all have them)and people comment we can say "hmmmm, I see what you're saying, I hadn't seen it that way Thanks for the input" and either think about it and reject it or think about it and test it. That's how being vulnerable is helpful, we are comfortable with who we are, people see us as we are, we can accept criticism without taking it personally. After a while we no longer see those things as weaknesses to hide or be ashamed of, they are just another facet of who we are.
So when another person "pushes our buttons" (buttons are really just little unhealed wounds, weaknesses)what do we do with that? Is it better to get angry and start hitting all their buttons or to recognize what's happening and figure out why that button is so sensitive and then try to heal that spot and rid ourselves of the possibility of being hurt by that again?
I had to go through all of this to get to the other side and I can tell you, it's worth it. I have said many times this experience was a gift in really ugly wrapping paper, but a gift nonetheless. Most of my buttons are gone now, a few still left and I'm sure there will always be some, but they won't cause quite so much pain.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
