From the mouth of the MLCer

[AntoniaB]

Hi Tad and job, since you've asked I'll give you an update.

I have had no contact with XH for over two years. I had a sighting almost a year ago of XH and OW. I actually had a very strong premonition that it would happen--I was headed to the beach to spend a weekend with a friend (interestingly the one friend who had taken my side in the fallout and treated me with respect) for her 40th birthday. She and I went out to dinner and I looked up and there he was with OW. It was terrible but also good--good because my friend talked me down from doing anything but sitting there ignoring them. Within a few minutes he and OW ran out of the restaurant (yes he saw me, he looked up and I made very direct eye contact across the crowd and I've never seen someone look so guilty in my life) and then 10 min. later 2 friends texted to say he'd gone on FB to say that his day was ruined because he ran into me. I know he did it to bait me. I didn't take the bait. I never contacted him. The OW was interesting to see. She looks like a child. An absolulute child. He looks like a dirty old man next to her ;-) It's creepy, and I realized that I had made her larger than life in my own head, and next to her I felt very strong and powerful and attractive--weird but true. So anyway that was that.

To update on my life, I have come to the point where I believe that everything that happened was meant to and I am grateful that it did. I know that sounds crazy, but his cheating on me was the one thing that had the power to end that relationship, and I am grateful that it is over. I had the strange experience recently of being contacted by people I knew from long before I met him--namely one childhood friend who found me online, and that led to me talking to some people from childhood up through high school. The picture people paint of me is very different than I remembered. People talk about me being this very confident person, very happy and together and assertive. And my family has said for years that the marriage and XH "changed" me but I didn't believe them. Yet to find that people from when I was 10 or 14 years old say the same thing independently has been a revelation. And I ended up writing a novel a few months back in which I explore my past and I can see it now. I was this person on a path, and I met him, and I lost sight of who I was in that marriage. I was constantly fighting to be myself and eventually he made me feel badly for who I was. I think it has taken till now to realize that that relationship stole something from me that I have thankfully gotten back (and then some).

I am very happy with my life. I have to say again, I am grateful that this happened. I learned so much from the experience and there is nothing that would make me go back in time to stop my XH from doing what he did. There are so many things in my life that I would not have if this had not happened. I'm really finding so many ways to be creative and my writing is just a huge part of my life now. I have so many novels in me plus my literary criticism. There is also something I was asked to do that is a dream come true--I have been a needleworker most of my life and I write the stories for these designs that are created by arguably the top designer in the world. She paints these women and I look at them and name them and write a story about them that goes out on the charts. You guys have to understand that for 20 years I looked at these designs and stitched them and the designer herself was some sort of goddess to me. Well we are friends now. And she trusts me she says more than anyone in the world to see her work and to write the stories that go with her pieces. So all over the world, my stories are getting out there. None of this would have happened if XH hadn't betrayed me. And that's just one thing--I have friendships now of a quality I never had before, relationships with family that are different, a spiritual side to me that never flourished.

I'm still single, and it's because I'm waiting for the right person, and if that person does not materialize, I will still know that I've got a good life. I did online dating for over a year and I don't like it but forced myself to do it, and I'm through with that. I've made friends with two men who are in relaitonships (one married, the other has a girlfriend) and I love that I can have very close friendships with men now, and I would like to be in a relationship with a man like either of them, but I'll wait till that comes along and I'm happy with that choice. I feel that they came into my life to show me the type of person that I want.

So there it is, sorry I'm so verbose, but that's an update. I'm in a really good place. I can truly say that I accept what has happened and see a reason for everything.

I think had XH not had his MLC, I'd have had an ok life, but I would not have fulfilled my purpose. His act freed me.