melissa, continued . . .

[labug]

I'm not angry. I am frustrated, sad and feeling like there is no way out of this crap no matter what I do.

It's very sad, I was sad and angry for a long time. It's difficult to see the whole life we thought we had in front of us go poof-and for me losing control of my life was almost unbearable. But what I eventually learned was, I never really had control.

There is a way out, it has very little to do with him and you will get there if you keep the focus on you.

I don't care if he is angry (well, I do care, but I can ignore it) - EXCEPT THAT it makes co-parenting very difficult. And then I am the one to blame for it. He says he wants peace, but he wants me to make that happen. I'm not doing anything that isn't peaceful, so the only way to make that happen, I guess, is to agree to whatever he wants.

If you don't feel you're to blame for anything, then don't accept it but you might ask yourself why you would even entertain that thought. If you're being peaceful, and he loses it, let him spin. You can't change his feelings, you aren't to blame for his feelings. If he gets angry when you're discussing parenting issues, stop the conversation. He'll figure out that in order to discuss things with you he has to hold his temper. (If he doesn't, it's good you're getting away from him)

(The anger wasn't in his email. He goes back and forth switching between anger, guilt, shame and being nice to me. He was very angry 18 hours ago and letting me know. And, if the past is any indication, it will be back shortly.)

He's confused and angry, most WASs are. That's why your being emotionally detached is so important.

No one has to put up with spewing anger. Walk away. You can do that.

I can move forward with my attorney. That is what I have been doing. That is what he doesn't like. When you said, "call your attorney in the morning and get the deal going," I (maybe mis) understood that to mean that you thought that would give my H what he wants. That's not what he wants. He wants to talk directly and resolve things without the lawyers. The problem is, when we do that, he tries to manipulate me into agreeing to much less than I am legally entitled to, knowing full well exactly what I am entitled to. And he uses all sorts of dirty tactics to try to make me do what he wants. Which is exactly why I have an attorney.

First, I meant he wants a D, give it to him, I didn't mean give away what that which is legally yours. If he's still angry about your hiring a L, oh well. That's water way under the bridge. If he continues to bring it up, stop the conversation.

My H and I have very little in the way of assets and even at that, I was going to have a L had we moved to D. He thought we wouldn't need them. I know him, he can be very unemotional, is a shrewd negogiator and has never been bested in a deal. I wasn't going to try to divide up our lives without the same in my corner.

I don't think you should talk with him about the financial stuff. It would be nice if you could figure out the custody together but you may not be able to do that.

He has got it set up so that I am to blame regardless of what I do, unless I agree to the settlement he wants.

There's that blame thing again. Who says you're to "blame"? Is taking "blame" for doing the right thing bad? I would guess that he knows what buttons to push with you, just as you do with him. (we all know those things, sometimes consciously, often unconsciously.) Don't let him push them. If he does, the minute you realize it, regroup and walk away. Don't try to reason with him, don't be defensive, don't try to get him to see your point...walk away.