melissa, continued . . .

[melissag]

25, thank you! I was hoping you would come along with some wisdom.

The "joint custody" will happen unless he's declared unfit. I assume it's the HALF TIME that you object to?

Yes, I think that my H is confused about the terms as well. I have already agreed to joint legal custody, and as you say, that is a default arrangement here in CO. What I am not agreeing to is 50/50 parenting time.

I do think that he is trying to improve as a parent. I am not sure how that will play out. I don't really want to get into all the complexities of why I don't want 50/50 physical custody (yet - I think that at some point 50/50 may be appropriate - just not now), but I do want to make clear that I am doing everything I can to make sure that I am NOT letting my own emotions cloud my vision on that.

How do I see the good parts of my H without being further emotionally annihilated when he pulls more of his crap?
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I think (apologies if I'm getting it wrong here) you mean to ask, "how can I begin to like him, if it means I get hurt more later?" and I assume (yikes!) that means you get your hopes UP, when you see the good in him. And for some reason, when his feelings about the M do not change, it hurts you...more...?

That's pretty close, but in the current landscape, I mean how can I begin to like him, and then he goes back into nasty aggressive mode and starts spewing at me some more? And that's kind of on top of the already "this [censored] that he is leaving" pain.

And how on earth is it "to the detriment of you or your children" to see him in a more positive light?

OK, so, for example. If I view my H walking away from my D9 at TKD when she is upset about her dead fish in some more positive light - what would that be? He is teaching her to pay attention in TKD? And so I go along with it, and she is hurt. Does that make sense? That's the kind of stuff I was referring to.

IMO, at this point in time, Your focus should not be on him, at all.

How right you are. And how I struggle with this. For example, just today as I was eating lunch with my kids, H's email popped into my head and I thought about how he was saying things about what I am taking away from him. And it just struck me - really? He left me. He took away all of my hopes and plans for the future. (OK, not all, but most.) He is taking my kids away half the time (or whatever it ends up being). He is taking away my financial security. My companionship. My support. The list goes on. And yet, somehow, he ignores that completely, and whines about what he is afraid I might take away from him.

It makes me mad. And I KNOW, that is NOT helping me. I can't change that he doesn't even consider the fact that I exist and have feelings too. But it irks me. Well, irks is a massive understatement.

So, yeah, that's keeping me stuck. And I am not sure how to unstick myself.

Melissa, you're a lawyer, not a judge. Look at this^^ and tell me how it helps YOU.

I swear to you, your sentiments resonate with me b/c they were mine 8 years ago.

And they did not help me or my children. If I could go back in time, I would work on ME & ONLY ME, a lot earlier.

Yeah, like I said. I have issues here. I think I am getting better (I know, seems hard to believe) but nowhere near where I need to be. I do think that this whole legal process is making things harder for my H, which in turn makes it harder for me to STOP thinking about him, because he seems to want to constantly pick at me about something or another.

your choice is to live your life as a bEtter woman, at peace with herself -but with a lousy ex h,

OR

be a bItter unhappy woman, with a lousy ex h.

You're right, you're right. I know you're right. It's what one side of my brain KNOWS to be true. But then the other side won't shut up with the unfair and he doesn't deserve me to be nice, and blah blah blah. I need to figure out how to silence that. Or is it not a matter of silencing it, because that is impossible, but simply ignoring it?

I do have the book The Four Agreements. I read it a while back and if I'm being honest, I thought, "wow, this is great, I can't wait to get to the part where they tell me HOW to do this." And it never came. I found that frustrating. Perhaps if I give it a bit more time and read it again (maybe on a double yoga day!), it will be more helpful to me.

Melissa, have you watched either of the two TED talks I suggested?

Yes, I have, and thank you for suggesting them. Shawn Achor, btw, is pretty funny and I love fast talkers so that one was right up my alley.

I think they are talks that I need to watch again and again. I feel like I need to set aside a block of time each day - maybe 20 minutes? - to review some things that are important. It turns out that becoming the person I want to be takes a lot of reminders about a lot of different things. It's definitely a practice.