melissa, continued . . .

[25yearsmlc]

He can try whatever he wants. You accept what you want, you reject what you don't want.

He can be angry, he will or won't get over it. It should have no bearing on what you do.

Someday in the future you might to come to place where you can accomplish what you both say you want. It's going to take work on both sides.

Has there been any discussion as to the terms? So far all I've heard is 50/50 custody. What is it you would have to capitulate on?

The "joint custody" will happen unless he's declared unfit. I assume it's the HALF TIME that you object to?

(For those who are confused, "joint custody" does NOT mean equal physical custody. It means he'll have equal input into big decisions like religion or schooling, and they will share the physical custody, in a To Be Determined amount...)

There is a relationship between how much physical custody her h has, and the amount he pays in CS. But let's not forget he may be trying to improve as a father. I am personally convinced that is how he sees it, at the moment.

Melissa, your real questions are below and they are among the most important questions we have all faced in this situation.

You wrote:


How do I walk the line here? How do I see reality but not focus on the negativity? How do I see the good parts of my H without being further emotionally annihilated when he pulls more of his crap?

I think (apologies if I'm getting it wrong here) you mean to ask, "how can I begin to like him, if it means I get hurt more later?" and I assume (yikes!) that means you get your hopes UP, when you see the good in him. And for some reason, when his feelings about the M do not change, it hurts you...more...?

But that's not needed here, and you can disconnect the two. I'll explain more in a bit...

If I look at his negative traits/behaviors in a positive way instead, where is the line between trying to be positive and ignoring reality? To the detriment of myself and my kids?

You think there is an objective "reality" about his behavior, but that itself is a judgment from YOU about HIM. Not to mention your belief that your interpretation of his behavior, is reality.

And how on earth is it "to the detriment of you or your children" to see him in a more positive light?

No one is suggesting you deny the "reality" (="fact" in my book) that he is leaving. I'm suggesting your interpretation of it is not necessary at this point.

IMO, at this point in time, Your focus should not be on him, at all.



I really just haven't figured any of this out.

And I am tired of that. I really am. I am sick of being a victim.

This is good^^. You can choose not to be a victim. Seriously.


Someone who treats me the way he has, doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt.They don't deserve crap.

Melissa, you're a lawyer, not a judge. Look at this^^ and tell me how it helps YOU.

I swear to you, your sentiments resonate with me b/c they were mine 8 years ago.

And they did not help me or my children. If I could go back in time, I would work on ME & ONLY ME, a lot earlier.


And if we didn't have children, I would simply banish him from my life forever, because that's EXACTLY the type of stuff I don't need in my life.


Makes sense, but it's not reality b/c the FACTS are you two have 2 kids. So, moving along...

Another way of asking your question is,

How can I see him in a positive light, given my pain and the pain of our children?

he's not just hurting ME, he's also hurting OUR children and that in a way, makes him an "enemy".

I get that ^^^ Melissa.

So you have two choices here and they exist, regardless of whether you two reconcile (and don't forget, it's not impossible to reconcile AFTER a divorce. I believe 15% of couples remarry their former spouses and I have two in my family who have. So yeah, it happens. FTR, neither of those couples "expected" to reconcile, as far as I know. And one took 3 years to remarry and the other couple took 5 years to reconcile. I do know that my family members got counseling for themselves and seemed different to me, back then. Meaning they had changed for the better when they reconciled.)

Your choice IF you were to reconcile, would be obvious. We all know one of the wrong choices is to stay married AND stay miserable. You would have to go "from this day forward" and get some new tools for a happier marriage, you would both need to put your dukes down and not bring them up again...

I posit that it's also "wrong" to divorce, and stay miserable and trust you would agree. So, what If "reality" is that your h is a selfish vindictive man? Then

your choice is to live your life as a bEtter woman, at peace with herself -but with a lousy ex h,

OR

be a bItter unhappy woman, with a lousy ex h.

But it is your choice. And he can and will change and evolve and we can all hope it will be for the better. But you don't steer that ship and indeed you have to get off that ship, b/c it's his.

He can have a ton of flaws in him. There's no contest here. It's just that I see you suffering b/c of the desire to make this fairer, when it's not about that.

Life is not fair. You know this cognitively. But you still want to correct that reality. I did too, and it may be a reason we both became lawyers in the first place.

You cannot make life fair if it means changing other people. You can make their behavior irrelevant to your life, however, and that's as close to "making it fairer" as it gets, imo.

Here are the FOUR AGREEMENTS someone mentioned awhile back and I do share them with you b/c I believe in them. They helped me. Especially the 2nd one.

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.


So, HOW do you live without self judgement and regret? B/C that is YOUR task here. How to be a woman of strength, honor and dignity, in times of serious adversity...

Melissa, have you watched either of the two TED talks I suggested? I didn't see you mention it and don't mean to "assign" you homework.

I'm saying that those videos contain free, new tools.

And you need them b/c these are stormy times.