Maybe offer family therapy as a compromise. Both my IC and my H's IC told us that we would seek family therapy together if we decide to D for the sake of the kids and our co-parenting relationship. If he says no then he says no but at least you are trying to find something that may work.
That's a good idea, 3. Since he seems to want to talk outside of lawyers, maybe I will agree to do that if we go to counseling.
I just can't see continuing this way forever.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You don't understand what my H is saying. He doesn't want to do this through attorneys. That's his whole point. I filed for S, that got the deal going. That's what pissed him off to begin with. We have been talking about things through our attorneys. That's why he is angry with me.
What is there to understand? He's angry, he can be angry. You have no control over that. You're angry, you can be angry. You can have control of that, if you want.
You seem to have a lot of fear about him being angry. There is a reason for that, I'm sure.
I'm not sure why his being angry (although I didn't see anger in his email) means you can't move forward with your A. Can you explain that so I understand it?
Counseling is a good idea but I'm not sure either of you are at a place to do that together.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It sounds to me like he is angry because you took the control of the D away from him. My ex did the same thing; he had an A, didn't want to work on the R, told me it was over and he was moving on but when I moved out, he was pi$$ed and he made my life very difficult. When I met my current H, he cut off all contact between me and his 2 children (my D's siblings) even though I raised them for 5 years and their sister lives with me. We split up 12 years ago, I have been with my H 11 and he is still angry and bitter towards me even though he is remarried. Sometimes there isn't much you can do except laugh to yourself about the situation. I know you aren't there yet because you are in the heat of the battle but you will get there. He will probably be angry for a while, although his email does seem like he is trying to work through it and move forward on even ground. Hopefully he means what he said.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Paul, I don't mean MC. (You couldn't pay my H $1m to go to MC, are you kidding me?) I mean something more like family therapy. I feel like it would be helpful for both of us to have someone who can insert some reality into the situation and keep us on track.
Ok. got it. sorry I may have misunderstood....
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I'm not angry. I am frustrated, sad and feeling like there is no way out of this crap no matter what I do.
I don't care if he is angry (well, I do care, but I can ignore it) - EXCEPT THAT it makes co-parenting very difficult. And then I am the one to blame for it. He says he wants peace, but he wants me to make that happen. I'm not doing anything that isn't peaceful, so the only way to make that happen, I guess, is to agree to whatever he wants.
(The anger wasn't in his email. He goes back and forth switching between anger, guilt, shame and being nice to me. He was very angry 18 hours ago and letting me know. And, if the past is any indication, it will be back shortly.)
I can move forward with my attorney. That is what I have been doing. That is what he doesn't like. When you said, "call your attorney in the morning and get the deal going," I (maybe mis) understood that to mean that you thought that would give my H what he wants. That's not what he wants. He wants to talk directly and resolve things without the lawyers. The problem is, when we do that, he tries to manipulate me into agreeing to much less than I am legally entitled to, knowing full well exactly what I am entitled to. And he uses all sorts of dirty tactics to try to make me do what he wants. Which is exactly why I have an attorney. He has got it set up so that I am to blame regardless of what I do, unless I agree to the settlement he wants.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thanks, LTH. It sure seems as though my H is angry that he is no longer in control of the process. He seems to have had a plan (a delusional one) and I am not going along with it.
I do think that he wants peace. But, as soon as something doesn't go his way, he goes back into angry warpath mode. Then he blames the lack of peace on me.
It's hard because I want to have peace with him, but I don't think it is possible right now without me capitulating to him. And I am not willing to do that. (Not because I am being stubborn or as a principle, but because I am going to stand up for what I am legally entitled to.)
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Very interesting thread and a lot of good questions are being asked. I'll post more later but wanted to address something in this one, that hit me.
Originally Posted By: Mic
I read that and I'm sure I'm projecting but I truly don't understand why he is so selfish. Does it make a significant difference in your course of action, if you "understand"? Probably it could make it easier for you to have compassion for them, or easier to navigate. But it's NOT mandatory.
To this day, I cannot "understand" why my h felt so strongly that living in Alaska, could be more important than keeping our family together. I accept that I likely, never will.
But it was, to him. He's not evil, and though I cannot explain it except in negative terms ("confused, MLC, selfish," or all of the above) I need not explain it at all.
I can spend the rest of my life "trying to understand" that which isn't really understandable to me, or useful, or I can move on, and say "that's what happened and IDK why. Now, where AM I GOING next?"
Life is short. Live it well.
If he truly cared he would do more than everything to keep his marriage together. None of those issues seem like deal breakers.
But they^^ are deal breakers, to him, in his marriage. His perception is his reality. So You're correct about projecting your situation onto Melissa's h. We all tend to do this. But it's not helpful.
The problems with marriages today is no one is truly willing to work and believes the vows. I'm sorry Melissa but he is not willing to give you what u want and what is truly best for the kids. An intact marriage which is truly what the kids are asking so no he is is truly not putting his selfish desires above them. I am so sorry. I hope one day he realizes what he did
Just answer this question (privately if not publicly, ) and it will say a lot about what our internal compass is doing with us or for us, or to us...
the question is, WHY do we all say or "hope one day he realizes what he did"??
B/c that will mean he changes? He can change without regretting the past.
Or b/c we want him to have regret/shame? Which means what, we want revenge? Karma?
It's not our job to fix or equalize our spouse's experience in life. LIFE will do that for them.
(Thank you DB coach for that pearl)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
