melissa, continued . . .

[paul19510]

What I did with my kids after my wife did that was to explain the same things I would have said when W was there if she had done it together. and then move on. its all you have at this point. the moment has passed

[ye21]

I don't know what to do with any of this.

Change your approach for different results.

Look Melissa me who I am talking to you now its a different person than months ago, when I was in a job I will always convinced they were treating me "bad" convinced that my W abussed me and so on... Do you know whats the reality?
I could not accept people seeing the world in a different way than mine, it was either my way or no way...

Today I see that my W abussed me...but I accept that she wasnt doing that for pleasure, it was her way of dealing with life and I have compassion for her, for my own protection I am glad she left...
My bosses had beliefs and I didnt agree w them, they were different than mine so basically the way to deal with that its to accept..

The change we promote here its not a change of get in shape...eat healthier, sleep better... We promote a deeper one, one that you dont want to see and dont want to obtain...
Things in our life happens for a reason and I dont believe that if you didnt need to change something spiritually you will be here at all...
You are here to change spiritually and it doesnt matter how many times you fight this painfull and also joyful change you always gonna end getting the same results...
When we are happy in a R we cant see what we need to change we only are able to embrace changes when difficulties arise...

Are you gonna embrace chance or keep blaming your H of having change your life for the worst?

[Mic]

I read that and I'm sure I'm projecting but I truly don't understand why he is so selfish. If he truly cared he would do more than everything to keep his marriage together. None of those issues seem like deal breakers. The problems with marriages today is no one is truly willing to work and believes the vows. I'm sorry Melissa but he is not willing to give you what u want and what is truly best for the kids. An intact marriage which is truly what the kids are asking so no he is is truly not putting his selfish desires above them. I am so sorry. I hope one day he realizes what he did

[melissag]

Thanks, 3boyz and Paul.

3, you are correct, I have consoled my kids many times without giving them any information and certainly have never placed blame on my H. I do think that my H has a limited capacity to consider others when he does things, which relates back to childhood issues.

I don't see myself as a victim. I do think that I have worked very hard to acknowledge where I went wrong in the M, I have apologized, and I have worked very hard to make changes in me to become the person I want to be, and (in many ways) to get back to who I used to be. I did everything necessary to support my H in his decision to move out, I gave him space (but was there for him when he wanted me to be), I have not tried to control him, I have allowed him to be on his own journey. I have not instigated or been baited into any arguments with him. I am very careful not to tell him what he thinks or how he feels. I do not accuse him of anything, or (to him) make assumptions about what he is doing or thinking. I have never said anything cruel or even inconsiderate to him. I hired a lawyer and filed for S ONLY to protect myself and my kids. I have been cooperative with him as far as him spending time with the kids, taking them on trips, etc. I have said NOTHING - literally not ONE thing about his parenting or what I don't agree with that he does. I have not interfered in his R with the kids in the least. I have not badmouthed him to the kids. In fact, I still defend him to the kids. I have done extensive work on myself and worked hard to make my life and my kids' life as happy as it can be.

My H was perfectly happy, living a grand life, happiest he has ever been, happy to be selfish (he admitted he is being selfish, said it is his time to do so, and he does not apologize for it). While many of the things he did and said were very hurtful to me, he was not directly cruel or hateful. Until I filed for S. I have already explained to him that I do not want war, that I just want to do this right, and that we do not have the necessary knowledge or expertise to do so on our own. I have told him on many occasions that I have no intention of keeping the children from him. Yet he rejects my explanations. He prefers to believe the baseless story in his head that I want war, that I am trying to piss him off, that I am bullying him, that I am going to take his children and who knows what else. I do believe that he is scared - he is scared of the stories in his head that have no place in reality. So he tries any tactic he can to try to - what? Defend himself? Attack me? Try to get me to capitulate?

I love my H. I would still go to the ends of the earth to make this M work. I don't want to do any of this. I don't want my kids to have two houses. I don't want to be at war with my H. I don't want to have to have all of our communications go through lawyers. But I don't know what the F to do.

My H seems to be incapable (and always has been) of taking my word for things, accepting that my feelings are what they are, and that they are valid. (Case in point, I told him that I filed because I don't know anything about family law and I want to make sure that we do this right, and that I don't want war. He insists I purposely picked the most aggressive D lawyer in the city and filed in a way intended to piss him off and that I want war.)

So a conversation seems pointless. It feels like banging my head against a wall.

Should I ask him if he is willing to go to some sort of C so that we can try to understand each other better, and hopefully that will help us and our kids as we go through this process?

I don't know what to do, I hate all of this.

[paul19510]

Unbidden, I don't understand what you mean about dropping the rope.

I have tried very hard not to be controlling toward my H. What do you see as me being controlling?

I am not hostile TO him. I have been nothing but pleasant to him. What he perceives as hostile is me hiring a lawyer. I already explained to him why I hired a lawyer and he rejected my explanation.

I don't know what to do with any of this.

M, the WAS sees what they want. I guess we do too. We just do a better job (hopefully...I know I'm not perfect at this) of really looking at ourselves too. You're doing great. The moment passed.

Just love your kids. Understand that h is human and he did something that's unfair. At this point there's nothing left to UNDO it. so you are forced to move on and love the kids. And you would have done that anyway even if you had told them together. Keep the faith. J

Just refocus on feeling healthy for you and feeling great with your kids. Let H on his own walk. there's no real way to know why he told them without you.

And 3B, I completely agree. I always tried to just console my kids but not comment....My W didn't do that and there's just nothing I can do or could do about that. In the end, its only how I act with them that seems to be helping

[paul19510]

Should I ask him if he is willing to go to some sort of C so that we can try to understand each other better, and hopefully that will help us and our kids as we go through this process?

M, I was told by my L that I have the right to request counseling as part of this process and have considered the idea as well. I don't see the point. if they're not asking us to do this....why would we pursue them to do this...? Just asking.

[melissag]

Paul, I don't mean MC. (You couldn't pay my H $1m to go to MC, are you kidding me?) I mean something more like family therapy. I feel like it would be helpful for both of us to have someone who can insert some reality into the situation and keep us on track. As you said, it is very difficult for all of us to see through our emotions. I am trying very hard, and really working on this stuff, but I do know that I am far from perfect. I also feel emotionally unsafe having any kind of discussion with my H, and i wonder whether he would be on better behavior (or could learn better behavior) if there is a third party involved.

Right now, I am in a place where I have to have boundaries to protect myself. I need to keep these boundaries but they, at times, result in me not communicating with my H at all. When I don't communicate with him, he then assumes the worst and gets angry with me about his assumptions. Then he spews at me, and I feel even more need for boundaries, and heftier ones at that. The whole cycle puts us at odds with each other indefinitely.

I don't think that being at odds with each other going forward is good for our children; but I am not going to capitulate to my H's demands just to keep the peace. I don't think that is good for anyone either. And it seems impossible for us to communicate effectively on our own. So I am just trying to find a way to make this better.

[labug]

People often debate about when to tell kids how babies are made. The best advice is when they ask, because they are then ready to hear it.

Maybe your child asked, When are you coming home, daddy? In that situation, I would have answered truthfully. I see nothing to be gained by not being truthful in that moment. If he had called the kids into a room and said Sit down, I have something to tell you-that's a different story. He answered a question. Yes, he mentioned you. Bad move on his part. It's done.

I agree that it would have been better to do it together. That didn't happen. I know you had mentioned doing that. Had the 2 of you talked about it? Why hadn't a time been arranged to do that?

I understand the anger but he did it, it's over. He could have not told you and let you deal with the aftermath without warning. Seems to me he's being pretty honest. Answer any questions your kids have when they come home. Of course there will be aftermath, there would be no matter how they were told.

He's done, he wants out and needs to know what you want in order to make that happen. Call your attorney in the morning and get the deal going.

I'm looking at it objectively, I have no dog in this fight. I make no apologies for anyone.

[3boymom]

Maybe offer family therapy as a compromise. Both my IC and my H's IC told us that we would seek family therapy together if we decide to D for the sake of the kids and our co-parenting relationship. If he says no then he says no but at least you are trying to find something that may work.

[melissag]

Maybe your child asked, When are you coming home, daddy?

Maybe. That's not how my H described the situation.

I agree that it would have been better to do it together. That didn't happen. I know you had mentioned doing that. Had the 2 of you talked about it? Why hadn't a time been arranged to do that?

Yes, we had discussed on several occasions that it was best to have these kinds of discussions together. It has not happened yet because every time we were going to talk to them, he would text me at the last minute and tell me he is too angry with me to talk to them together. I had a feeling this was gong to happen; it seemed to me he was looking for a way to talk with them without me there. If I was there, he wouldn't have put the blame on me.

Yes, he told them. It's over. It's been 12 hours.

Call your attorney in the morning and get the deal going.

You don't understand what my H is saying. He doesn't want to do this through attorneys. That's his whole point. I filed for S, that got the deal going. That's what pissed him off to begin with. We have been talking about things through our attorneys. That's why he is angry with me.