3, you are correct, I have consoled my kids many times without giving them any information and certainly have never placed blame on my H. I do think that my H has a limited capacity to consider others when he does things, which relates back to childhood issues.
I don't see myself as a victim. I do think that I have worked very hard to acknowledge where I went wrong in the M, I have apologized, and I have worked very hard to make changes in me to become the person I want to be, and (in many ways) to get back to who I used to be. I did everything necessary to support my H in his decision to move out, I gave him space (but was there for him when he wanted me to be), I have not tried to control him, I have allowed him to be on his own journey. I have not instigated or been baited into any arguments with him. I am very careful not to tell him what he thinks or how he feels. I do not accuse him of anything, or (to him) make assumptions about what he is doing or thinking. I have never said anything cruel or even inconsiderate to him. I hired a lawyer and filed for S ONLY to protect myself and my kids. I have been cooperative with him as far as him spending time with the kids, taking them on trips, etc. I have said NOTHING - literally not ONE thing about his parenting or what I don't agree with that he does. I have not interfered in his R with the kids in the least. I have not badmouthed him to the kids. In fact, I still defend him to the kids. I have done extensive work on myself and worked hard to make my life and my kids' life as happy as it can be.
My H was perfectly happy, living a grand life, happiest he has ever been, happy to be selfish (he admitted he is being selfish, said it is his time to do so, and he does not apologize for it). While many of the things he did and said were very hurtful to me, he was not directly cruel or hateful. Until I filed for S. I have already explained to him that I do not want war, that I just want to do this right, and that we do not have the necessary knowledge or expertise to do so on our own. I have told him on many occasions that I have no intention of keeping the children from him. Yet he rejects my explanations. He prefers to believe the baseless story in his head that I want war, that I am trying to piss him off, that I am bullying him, that I am going to take his children and who knows what else. I do believe that he is scared - he is scared of the stories in his head that have no place in reality. So he tries any tactic he can to try to - what? Defend himself? Attack me? Try to get me to capitulate?
I love my H. I would still go to the ends of the earth to make this M work. I don't want to do any of this. I don't want my kids to have two houses. I don't want to be at war with my H. I don't want to have to have all of our communications go through lawyers. But I don't know what the F to do.
My H seems to be incapable (and always has been) of taking my word for things, accepting that my feelings are what they are, and that they are valid. (Case in point, I told him that I filed because I don't know anything about family law and I want to make sure that we do this right, and that I don't want war. He insists I purposely picked the most aggressive D lawyer in the city and filed in a way intended to piss him off and that I want war.)
So a conversation seems pointless. It feels like banging my head against a wall.
Should I ask him if he is willing to go to some sort of C so that we can try to understand each other better, and hopefully that will help us and our kids as we go through this process?
I don't know what to do, I hate all of this.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
