OK, wow. My H went ahead and told our kids that he isn't coming home. Without me there. After we had discussed a million times that such conversations need to be with both parents present, and without any blame on one parent or the other.
This is what he said:
I told them that I'm not moving home and that it's permanent. I told them that you and I both love them a tremendous amount. I told them that you're a really strong person and that when I'm with you, it's hard for me to be me. They get that because they can see the differences in me. They don't like it a lot, but I think they get it.
Then he sent me an email about how he wants peace, and please can I just agree to him having 50/50 custody of the kids.
M my W did the same thing. I never got a straight answer from the kids as to exactly what she said. I suspect that the spin on it was something slightly in her better light.....sounds like H did that too. They say that it was a beutral way to out it...but you have no way to know what they said. You weren't there. ..ugh. sorry. Your kids will be ok..so will you.
Ye21....that's not about rules. I don't recall...do you have kid s....?
M ...just keep going. Because my W told the kids she was leaving without me and it didn't seem to bother her or them, I did thr ssme when I told them we had filed to D. That's when I knew she didn't want to be my partner. They all told me she had made it clear when she left she was not coming home. My kids were only suprised that I was surprised.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I am so sorry M. Your H seems pretty determined to do anything that he perceives will give him control back. He is clearly not thinking of anyone but himself.
I would probably send a short response telling H that what he did was not acceptable (I am not sure how to word it). Leave it there and don't respond to any spew in response. When your kids get home, sit down and talk and make sure they are OK. You know that your h has not been there for the kids emotionaly in the past so focus all your attention on that.
Completely ignore his email about custody. You have told him numerous times you will not discuss that so I would not even respond.
M - My guess is that your kids do not understand what your H explained to them. As an adult I still wonder "what the heck does that mean." Plus he is never going to admit that they are not okay. Although it is not fair, they are probably waiting to tell you that they are upset because they know that your H is incapable of being there for them emotionally.
So, here is his entire email. It makes me sad because I want to believe that we could actually have a conversation and work things out, but what I have learned over the past five months is that my H cares about one thing, far above all else: himself. Also, I don't know what to believe because he has lied and tried to manipulate me so many times. I honestly don't know if he is even capable of having such a conversation. Thus far, he has been hell bent on keeping up that story in his head where he is the victim and I am the horrible person. And he has showed that if I am vulnerable and share something with him, he throws it back in my face later.
Four hours before he wrote that email, he was refusing to talk to me and sending me nasty texts. Then he tells the kids on his own (after many discussions where we agreed that needed to be done together), and now he decides to go the nice route?
(Note that even in the "nice" route, he has to deflect the blame.)
I don't want to hate you. I don't want to spend the rest of my life at war with you. There was a point where I loved you a great deal. This [censored] and it's making me miserable. Good, you may be saying, you're making me miserable as well. Perhaps.
I want to call a truce, but I can't. I don't know what you want and I don't know what I can give you to get that truce. Maybe you want to scare the crap out of me and limit my time with my kids. Maybe you're just scared yourself and you're trying to hold onto whatever you can. Maybe you think that what you're doing is in the best interests of your children. I don't know, because I don't know what you want. And it scares the crap out of me because I don't know what you're going to try to take from me.
I've been thinking about how all you had to do was ask me for what you wanted. I don't want you to suffer. I don't want the kids to suffer. But I have no idea what you want. And when you hire lawyers and try to bully me? I don't want to give anything to you now. I know that I haven't been particularly nice in response and I may have bullied you back. I'm sorry for having done that. This hasn't been easy for me either. But I'd like to ask you for what I want. Will you please agree to joint custody with me? I love those children and they are, by far, the most important things in my life. They're not your kids. They're our kids. And they need me as much as I need them. Please don't fight me on joint custody.
Tonight S7 broke down because I told him that if he could turn the lactose free milk into butter, I'd make lactose-free crepes for dinner, and he couldn't do it. And he screamed and cried in his room for about five minutes and I finally went in to talk to him and he told me that he was really upset because he hadn't had crepes for five months and he really wanted crepes. It turned out he wasn't so much upset about the crepes as he was about me not being there for the past five months. We talked about it for awhile and D9 came in and I talked to her about it. I told them that I'm not moving home and that it's permanent. I told them that you and I both love them a tremendous amount. I told them that you're a really strong person and that when I'm with you, it's hard for me to be me. They get that because they can see the differences in me. They don't like it a lot, but I think they get it. S7 asked me to call him or FaceTime him at night because he misses me, so I'll be doing that more. I hope that that will be OK on the nights that I'm not there. I told them that I didn't know when they would be over here and not over here - that you and I were trying to work that out. I'm sorry that you weren't there for this conversation, but I'm not sure that you really could have been. D9 clearly understands now that it's permanent, although I never used the word divorce. Despite telling S7 a couple of times that I wouldn't be coming home, I'm not sure he still fully gets it.
The conversation really hammered home to me that they need both of us. Not just me and not just you. And they need us to get along. Next to that I think it means dickall whether they have one "home base" or two "home bases." But if that's what you truly believe, talk to me about it. Tell me what you think and why you think it. Maybe we can think of some alternative that we both agree is best for the kids. Maybe we can't. It's possible that we're both deadset in our thinking and there's nothing either one of us can do to change the other's mind and we should make a court decide who's right. But it can't hurt to try.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Maybe we can't. It's possible that we're both deadset in our thinking and there's nothing either one of us can do to change the other's mind and we should make a court decide who's right. But it can't hurt to try.
If you dont wanna see the reality and you want to keep thinking there is one who is "right" and another one " wrong" this situation might escalate to a nasty level...
Melissa you both are scared and you cant see this situation clearly, you come here not looking for help, you come here blind by your resentment and focussing in your fear... How do you think you will get a different result if you keep doing the same?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Mel, you're in a hard spot. Both of you seem so hostile and controlling towards each other. One of you is just gonna have to drop the rope for the sake of the kids and vow not pick it up again. Your kids will see you as the better person for it.
Unbidden, I don't understand what you mean about dropping the rope.
I have tried very hard not to be controlling toward my H. What do you see as me being controlling?
I am not hostile TO him. I have been nothing but pleasant to him. What he perceives as hostile is me hiring a lawyer. I already explained to him why I hired a lawyer and he rejected my explanation.
I don't know what to do with any of this.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I honestly do not believe that your H was cornered into telling the kids about the situation being permanent without you being there. He could have consoled the kids without going there. I have done it and I am sure you have done it on numerous occasions. I think that saying he did the best he could with the hand he was dealt is not accurate and simply making excuses for his unacceptable behavior.
I do agree that what happened already happened and can't be changed so you need to be there for the kids.
M, Drop the rope. Don't respond much I at all except possibly to say, "....it's done now, ...I would have preferred we told them together. it's done now...." you probably don't even need to tell him that. he probably already knows you don't agree.
On its face, I see glimmers that he gets the kids need BOTH of you. also, I see that he got the point that the kids hurt because he's not there....he might actually be seeing that now. It doesn't mean he feels differently about the M. But, it might also hold a clue as to the attitudes and spewing you are seeing from him.
Remember yesterday when I told you IMHO that his anger or attitude might be because he's seeing the reality of the situation and what he did. I was referring to his R with you, but it also applies to his R with the kids.
My W sees herself as the victim too. We each see ourselves as the victims. I think 25's signature line is right... forgiveness is the only way out of hell. On both sides of this.
I don't think anything you do/will do/can do will save him from his decisions. This whole situation feels awful. I think our WAS's get that at some point. I'm not saying he's there yet, but I'd let him just soak in whatever it is that made him write you that email.
You can't fix it/deny it/defend it/explain it. its H's truth. No matter what you do, he's not going to change that view...unless he changes it himself (((M)))
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
