Hi Melissa, I am a fellow Rockies dweller, I'm a newbie and you are ahead of me in all this. It is so hard. I keep listening to Pema chodron over and over. LL
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
Of course I was part of the reason for the demise of our M. Yes. I have totally owned that and apologized, and changed the vast majority of things he complained about. My H seemed happy to just be away from me and have no obligations or expectations. He was perfectly nice and friendly, and would say things like, "I'm not placing the blame on anyone for our M not working out," etc.
Then I filed for S. And, despite the fact that he wants a D, he is VERY angry about it. (As well as the fact that I insisted on using lawyers rather than negotiating this stuff ourselves.) He said I betrayed him and severely damaged our trust and trashed our relationship. That he expected better of me. I ruined his career, I am being childish, I am a bad role model for our children, the list goes on.
I don't know if there is something new that he is angry about, or if it's still over me filing.
This "backing down" thing I guess comes from the fact that he is very P/A. Or maybe just passive and resentful. He has never had much of an opinion, so I made a lot of the decisions. I would always ask him and he would almost always say he didn't care. But then once in a while he would blow up with resentment that I always "won." So it's possible that he has now decided that he is going to assert himself and not back down. The problem is, assertive isn't in his repertoire. Instead it's in your face aggressive.
Should I try to listen to what he has to say about being angry, or ignore him?
I did all the same. owned what I did wrong and I living the changes each day. I could do that forever and I don't believe she'll be happy or see me as her H again.
On the assertive/ P/A thing....My brother reported that he had a huge learning curve with his new life after he divorced. He had felt put down in the M. he blew up at the smallest stuff with his new family. he realized later he was over compensating for what he thought his life had been like previously. Is it possible that your H will have to "learn" how to act differently? Perhaps he's beginning to realize that he should have offered his opinion more and now that chance is really gone....see what I mean? That might make me mad too.....just on a personal level...mad that I messed up or missed something.
Don't get me wrong...there's nothing you need to do or fix on that topic. Just some food for thought. Maybe he's learning too....kind of like when you ask a kid something and they blurt out the truth even when its not a nice truth....its a learning thing.
on the question of should you respond or ignore...I remember when S12 was in TKD, they taught him to use his opponent's momentum to his advantage. I know you are currently taking TKD. do they teach that idea in your class too? Let him swing, but just move aside and let his own actions throw him off balance. Not sure if that's an ignore, but don't play along either. Make sense?
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Alright, guys. I have had an introspective kind of day (two yoga classes in one day will do that to a girl) and I think I want to DB the crap out of my H.
Call me slow, but it takes me a bit after everyone else to see things in my own sitch. I'm tired of hating on my H. Honestly, I have never been good at being mad at my H. It gets old. The only problem now, of course, is that me not being mad won't stop him from hating me. But whatever. What's the difference? He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Maybe eventually he will get tired of being mad too.
I've really been stuck in this place where I decide what my H deserves from me and what he doesn't. Yuck. I need to let go of what he thinks, or whether he thinks he is winning, or if he gets any benefit from my actions. WHO CARES? (I needed all caps there since I am still trying to convince myself.)
I think I am ready to get out of this crappy phase. But I think it is going to be tricky to DB such an angry, spewing, unselfaware H.
I am pretty good at Sandi's rules. Except that lately I have withdrawn quite a bit and don't really talk much to him, or really even look at him sometimes. I think I need to get back to being cheerful when I am around him, no matter what he does.
Where I have trouble is when he spews at me. I am not sure whether I should ignore him (I have already told him I won't respond to anything disrespectful) or offer to listen if he wants to talk, and then validate him.
Now, part of the problem with validating him is that he has a lot of misconceptions about me and what I am doing and why. He makes up a lot of stories in his head. So if he comes at me with something that is just plain false, how do I let him know it's wrong without arguing with him or being defensive?
Also, I think that he is, right now, really on the offensive. And so I do need to be careful that I don't put myself out there and get screwed. (This is likely to happen emotionally, but I mean, like, with kid stuff or whatever.) My H is bound and determined not to be taken advantage of, so he will be happy to take advantage of me in order to accomplish that. My H has never been good with anything other than black and white.
Any thoughts appreciated.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
When he spews something false about you, I'd just say thanks for sharing and don't engage. Who cares what he thinks? Plus, as Bond says, don't validate bad behavior. Just listen and move on. You don't have to give him everything he wants in court in order to have peace. Keep your standards and what you need to get for the kids. You can still press for fairness in any D without spewing hate or always thinking about attacking him. The two are different. Just treat him like a crazy uncle and don't engage. But be civil and pleasant when he's around.
how do I let him know it's wrong without arguing with him or being defensive?
No way to let him know that, what is " wrong" for you migth not be "wrong" for him, its his sole responsability to face the consequence of his actions...
He cant see any of his responsability because even upset or happy you still around him...
Maybe eventually he will get tired of being mad too.
The natural status of the human being its peace, serenity and happiness so yes or yes one day he will search for that...
In every post you mention him... Play this exercise....for the next 5 post dont mention him and just journal about you...
I cant stop drinking if all I do its dream and talk about how good a cold beer tastes
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Oh no posting about him or the R , post about people you meet, sports and kids or so but nothing around that past relationship...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Melissa - I'm sorry you're dealing with such an angry H right now. I know it s*cks. For me, staying angry takes a lot of energy and so I'm really not able to maintain for long. Even now, I only really get angry with my H when I can see that the situation is clearly affecting my D. If you stay pleasant and upbeat and use the "casual neighbor" kind of approach with your H, do you think he'll really stay angry for an extended period of time? Even if he does, it really isn't your problem. If he wants to believe something that is false, it doesn't affect what you know to be true.
OK, wow. My H went ahead and told our kids that he isn't coming home. Without me there. After we had discussed a million times that such conversations need to be with both parents present, and without any blame on one parent or the other.
This is what he said:
I told them that I'm not moving home and that it's permanent. I told them that you and I both love them a tremendous amount. I told them that you're a really strong person and that when I'm with you, it's hard for me to be me. They get that because they can see the differences in me. They don't like it a lot, but I think they get it.
Then he sent me an email about how he wants peace, and please can I just agree to him having 50/50 custody of the kids.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Ok, he is not following "you rules" do you think your actions are controlling?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Ok, he is not following "you rules" do you think your actions are controlling?
Huh? It's not my rules. It's what the child psychologist we spoke with told us, and the various books we read, and pretty much everyone who knows anything about telling children about D. You tell them together, and you don't blame one parent or the other.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
