melissa, continued . . .

[melissag]

Alright, guys. I have had an introspective kind of day (two yoga classes in one day will do that to a girl) and I think I want to DB the crap out of my H.

Call me slow, but it takes me a bit after everyone else to see things in my own sitch. I'm tired of hating on my H. Honestly, I have never been good at being mad at my H. It gets old. The only problem now, of course, is that me not being mad won't stop him from hating me. But whatever. What's the difference? He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Maybe eventually he will get tired of being mad too.

I've really been stuck in this place where I decide what my H deserves from me and what he doesn't. Yuck. I need to let go of what he thinks, or whether he thinks he is winning, or if he gets any benefit from my actions. WHO CARES? (I needed all caps there since I am still trying to convince myself.)

I think I am ready to get out of this crappy phase. But I think it is going to be tricky to DB such an angry, spewing, unselfaware H.

I am pretty good at Sandi's rules. Except that lately I have withdrawn quite a bit and don't really talk much to him, or really even look at him sometimes. I think I need to get back to being cheerful when I am around him, no matter what he does.

Where I have trouble is when he spews at me. I am not sure whether I should ignore him (I have already told him I won't respond to anything disrespectful) or offer to listen if he wants to talk, and then validate him.

Now, part of the problem with validating him is that he has a lot of misconceptions about me and what I am doing and why. He makes up a lot of stories in his head. So if he comes at me with something that is just plain false, how do I let him know it's wrong without arguing with him or being defensive?

Also, I think that he is, right now, really on the offensive. And so I do need to be careful that I don't put myself out there and get screwed. (This is likely to happen emotionally, but I mean, like, with kid stuff or whatever.) My H is bound and determined not to be taken advantage of, so he will be happy to take advantage of me in order to accomplish that. My H has never been good with anything other than black and white.

Any thoughts appreciated.