I think I belong here....

[TL72*]

From what i've learned by reading on these boards, most MLC'ers do have EA or PA. Hopefully one of the vets will chime in and give you advice. I think you need to focus on you and pretend she doesn't exist, be the best you that you can be - someone only a fool would leave. Act as if you'll be fine without him. GAL and let him see your confidence. Read the MLC resources - they are full of good information. Breathe, eat, exercise, sleep. Take one day at a time, I know it stinks. Detach.

[praying_in_GA]

He said something interesting last night. We were having a light-hearted conversation. He was talking about school. He said something sly towards me so I jokingly said "I don't like you anymore." He said "Just now? I thought you didn't like me a long time ago. That's why you surprise me sometimes."

[TL72*]

you never know what's going to come out of their mouths. Before mine moved out I heard him splashing in the bath tub and playing like a child.... WEIRD, he's 55 years old! I think they see things askew. Just depends on their mood too what they're going to say or do. It's nice you had a light hearted conversation though!

[BklynMom]

Your not alone.

Keep the focus on you and your kids.

He is the fool.

[praying_in_GA]

TL, thank you for replying. Even when it's just a quick few sentences it at least lets me know someone is there.

[TL72*]

i'm here a lot!! i know what you mean though, it is comforting to know you're not alone and that others are going through some crazy thing too with their MLC'er.

[praying_in_GA]

I thought I should update you on me.

I have been acting as if and enjoying having my husband in the house. I have been doing some 180s for our particular marriage even though they don't follow the LRT. We go out and play with the kids, play basketball, cook dinner, watch tv, and even ML (which is stupid to call it that since he 'doesn't love me'). I have been happy and positive. I have tried a few things here and there to see how he responds (light touches, being interested in his day, etc). Other than the underlying understanding that he doesn't think we will remain together, things seem very normal around the house.

He said he was reluctant to have intimate time with me because he doesn't want to lead me on. He said he felt like a d*** for saying the things he did and then enjoying intimate time with me. I told him that I was an adult and I understood the decisions I was making. I told him that I know what he has said and I know that he has no hope that we will remain married...it is my choice to place myself in that position or not.

He was away all weekend working an event to make some money for D8 gymnastics. When he came home Sunday night he was in a so-so mood. I was happy to see him and talked to him about his weekend. He was annoyed with the people he had to work with that day and ended up snapping at me "d**n you sure are talking a lot tonight". I quieted down after that. He told me he didn't mean to ruin my good mood and went to bed. The next day (Monday)I took the kids to a moms meet-up in the city. He got home from school and called me. I let the phone go to voice mail. He called back 15 min later. I let it ring until right before v/m picked up. He asked where we were and if I had gone to the store yet. Then he said "I need to apologize for last night. I wouldn't have said that to anyone else and I shouldn't have said that to you."

Anyway, we watched a movie and ML that night. He was very happy before/during/after. I made a point to send the kids to bed early to arrange for that time together. (these are some 180s for us)

I can tell he doesn't like intimate/loving touches unless we are in an intimate situation. Hugs/light touches/kisses are a no go for him right now. He is VERY concerned with leading me into thinking he is willing to work on things or that things have a possibility of getting better. I know cutting these things out should have been an immediate response but I wanted to test and see. They are things that were lacking before the bomb so they would have been a 180 for us.

From the outside looking in on us, people would think something small was up but only because of the lack of loving interaction. We are a well oiled parenting team and it shows. We are happy and nice to each other.

He has finally text the OW in front of me. They talk about basketball, 5ks, and school. She had a boyfriend. He says they are just friends and that she is nice. While I don't think they are having an 'affair', I do think he gets his ego stroked by her. She is 15 years younger than him...not that that matters.

He joked with me about his 'apartment' in our house. He has the entire 2nd floor to himself. He has a bedroom, office/workout room, and bathroom up there. He laughed and said he needed to start paying me rent for it. We had a nice little 5-10 min joke session about him moving out or paying rent...Where he would go since he isn't working...How he could pay his rent to me...etc.

He is getting a job this summer. He still won't make enough to move out and he will have to cut back to part time again when the fall semester starts.

He is still talking about the Navy. He is supposed to call back in Nov to talk to the recruiter again. He told me the recruiter said "Since I have kids and you all wouldn't be moving with me I would get a bit more money each month." He said there is a good chance he won't get in so he will just get a local job if so.

I have lost 6 pounds and started working out again. Today before I left for work my kids were telling me they loved me. He said "See, you have your loves. I know how good you can look when you put your mind into it. Before long you will have a new beau and I will be a memory." While I appreciate his confidence in my moving on and his noticing my physical changes, seriously??

Anyway. I guess I need help deciding where to go from here. I haven't really been following DB to a T. If I tune him out, live my life around him, only talk about the kids and our needs...that would be exactly what our marriage has been for a while now. I feel like I am floundering.

Do you all think he is in a MLC or simply a WAS?

[job]

GA,
The "label" doesn't really matter, but what you do does. You would follow the db principles for both mlc and was. His conversations sounds like he's got some mlc issues going on, as well as the ow is in the picture. I do hope that you and your h are practicing safe sex because you just don't for sure what he's been up to and w/whom.

Treat him w/kindness and to be perfectly honest, there is no right or wrong way when dealing w/someone who is acting out. You have to try different things and if something isn't working, try something different.

Dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you.

[praying_in_GA]

Job, excellent words. And true. Labels don't mean anything...the wanted end result is the same.

So, I woke up way too early for work this afternoon. H asked why I was up. I told him I couldn't sleep so I might as well get up. He said he was sorry for putting me in this position. He can't imagine how hard it is to be in limbo and as soon as I am tired of it and him to tell him to go. He said we would know more at the end of the year. I asked why then. He said that was how long I had asked him to stay and try. (Our first talk, almost a month ago now) He alluded to the 'fact' that he still thought things would end with us separated/divorced but he will stay as long as I want him here. He isn't necessarily trying to work on things, but he is here to see what happens. He told me his friend is just a friend and he wouldn't do anything with her. (I know, I know, don't worry!) He said let's just see how this year ends. He will know more about the Navy in Nov then graduation in Dec.

I feel like such baby in this moment, but what next? He is here but he isn't trying but he is willing to let me try to change this sitch??

[unbidden]

MWD makes it clear that one person can change a whole relationship so just keep DB'ing and let him notice your changes.