melissa, continued . . .

[paul19510]

Of course I was part of the reason for the demise of our M. Yes. I have totally owned that and apologized, and changed the vast majority of things he complained about. My H seemed happy to just be away from me and have no obligations or expectations. He was perfectly nice and friendly, and would say things like, "I'm not placing the blame on anyone for our M not working out," etc.

Then I filed for S. And, despite the fact that he wants a D, he is VERY angry about it.
(As well as the fact that I insisted on using lawyers rather than negotiating this stuff ourselves.) He said I betrayed him and severely damaged our trust and trashed our relationship. That he expected better of me. I ruined his career, I am being childish, I am a bad role model for our children, the list goes on.

I don't know if there is something new that he is angry about, or if it's still over me filing.

This "backing down" thing I guess comes from the fact that he is very P/A. Or maybe just passive and resentful. He has never had much of an opinion, so I made a lot of the decisions. I would always ask him and he would almost always say he didn't care. But then once in a while he would blow up with resentment that I always "won." So it's possible that he has now decided that he is going to assert himself and not back down. The problem is, assertive isn't in his repertoire. Instead it's in your face aggressive.

Should I try to listen to what he has to say about being angry, or ignore him?

I did all the same. owned what I did wrong and I living the changes each day. I could do that forever and I don't believe she'll be happy or see me as her H again.

On the assertive/ P/A thing....My brother reported that he had a huge learning curve with his new life after he divorced. He had felt put down in the M. he blew up at the smallest stuff with his new family. he realized later he was over compensating for what he thought his life had been like previously. Is it possible that your H will have to "learn" how to act differently? Perhaps he's beginning to realize that he should have offered his opinion more and now that chance is really gone....see what I mean? That might make me mad too.....just on a personal level...mad that I messed up or missed something.

Don't get me wrong...there's nothing you need to do or fix on that topic. Just some food for thought. Maybe he's learning too....kind of like when you ask a kid something and they blurt out the truth even when its not a nice truth....its a learning thing.

on the question of should you respond or ignore...I remember when S12 was in TKD, they taught him to use his opponent's momentum to his advantage. I know you are currently taking TKD. do they teach that idea in your class too? Let him swing, but just move aside and let his own actions throw him off balance. Not sure if that's an ignore, but don't play along either. Make sense?