WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[Ambivalent]

Yesterday was bittersweet. The sweet, T.M. gave me a good morning text and that he was off to visit his son in Philly. About halfway through his trip, he was saying he missed me already, that he wished I was with him, and wanted to kiss me...

Torture for I want the same, that's the bitter. As well as I won't see him 'til the weekend is over. I'm drinking it all in, and trying to savor it... when one has been 18 months without sex, and oh, I don't know how many years without appreciation and emotional fulfillment , this can be quite heady!

Dance was great as usual last night, one of my "new" friends and I traded phone numbers and we're going to go do something together. She is an extrovert and outgoing, I'm an outgoing introvert. We make quite an unusual pair. She's Nordic blonde, I'm Celtic auburn, she's Liberal, and I'm Conservative. But we both laugh our sitdownski's off when we're together.

Got tons of compliments on my dress last night from lots of women. The group at the dances are so welcoming and affirming. I danced another pound off, so I'm now down 53 pounds. I'm not trying to lose, even trying to slow it down a bit. It is what it is. I'm in 4's, 6's, and 8's depending on the vendor and cut. Thought I'd never see those sizes again, YAY! There really is a silver lining!

I'm going to go dancing again tonight. I figure movie, sitting and a snack or dancing ; moving and smiling. Is there really a decision to make here? Ha!

My H. wants to come to the house on late Tuesday... boy will he be in for a shock, I'm now half the size he saw me last. Part of me wants to look really hot, the other is WHO THE HELL CARES?

I'm SO over him! Yes, the marriage dissolution hurts, pride, my beautiful children, and of course 33 years with one person, pfffft...gone!

There is another side...I am so much farther along. I'm not only still a joyful woman but even more so. I am strong, confident, my humor is back and in full force, and I look and feel awesome physically.

I really need to thank him for this second chance at a whole new life. I'm meeting wonderful people, and those whom have stuck by me through out this trauma, have proved to be truly golden.
I really withdrew, and they came and got me, wouldn't let me go.

What is even the icing on all of this? I have no bitterness, I'm not angry, no hate, just a tinge of sorrow. I feel as if my H. is a cousin. Now THAT feels odd. The thought of having sex with him absolutely repulsed me. That I don't understand. I feel icky about that, but it is what it is. I have empathy and pity for him, but there is no respect left. THAT might be why I have no attraction anymore.

The irony, in the beginning I was so horny for him, and then it started to dissipate for him and I noticed others... talk about guilt! As I felt more and more distant from him emotionally, others were more attractive to me.

Now I'm raging for someone and YEEEES it feels AWESOME!!Hahahaha! This old gal isn't dead not is she even tired. I feel younger than I've felt in years... yes folks that's what exercise does, scary!

Have a good weekend, keep busy, do your homework and work on your PMA !