Thanks 3boyzmom ..yeah I'm not just doing it for her. Of course if I made dinner for me and the kids at 6, I wouldn't be getting hers at 8. I make coffee in the morning for both of us ..i will just "follow her lead" as you put it.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I didn't see your last post till now. My IC said i should continue with coffee in the morning and lunches, etc. He said if my goal is to reconcile you should continue with that and if not tell her to do it herself. Should i just do my laundry and not hers for eg. When she does laundry she still does mine. When she cooks dinner she still cooks mine ...anyone else feel free to chime in Thanks.
Your IC its a human being with his/her own beliefs, there is a chapter in the DR that talks about this and points you towards the direction that some therapist might help you move faster towards divorce... You are seeing this as a way to please the tiger so it doesnt bite you... And the way and only way to R as hard as it sounds its to detach and to put the energy into improve yourself.... Did your W ask to D because you werent cleaning and cooking??? Or there are other problems behind that D word?
I mean if she said I want D because you dont clean, cook and prepare coffee I can understand the point of this to help you R... But whats next? I want to D because you are 5 7" and now I like 5 9" guys??
The whole point of this and the main reason why you guys got to the big D word its because at certain point you both started not to accept the other partner so to go back to accept...time and space its necessary and thats what she is doing now... If she cooks for you....thank you that was delicious.... But you dont have to cook back...you are responsable for your own clothes and everything.... Not to tell you to stop doing laundry but to do it because they are your clothes... I dont know if you get the point... But try to look into this...its different to do things out of love than out of fear of her getting upset..or that she is going to leave you...
Its not a punishment to stop doing things for the partner when they want D, its a way not to pursue and show ourselves that we can be happy with or without them...nothing else.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Look at this in a realistic way, she has filled for D so she is divorcing you, its time to let her go, otherways she will come one day and say bye and then you will be forced no matter what to do this things yes or yes.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I agree with 3B (I rhymed lol) don't go out of your way to make stuff or do stuff. But in the context of just living, do all the normal stuff as she is doing for you (laundry family cooking etc.)
What isn't really in my signature line is that I started DB'ing in Nov 2012 after W and I told each other that we weren't sure we'd make it. I got a coach and began the process. Over the next year, I GAL, and looked a lot at me. I found that our debts grew at a rate I couldn't live with and W was 'shredding me' to my kids the whole time.
During this time, I still cooked and cleaned. As she distanced herself from me and the kids, W, became more 'selfish'. If I made meals and she chose not to attend, I cleaned up the kitchen and she had to figure out her own meal when she came home.
If I was cooking short order style and she came in, I offered food. It was insulting, but there were times, she'd turn me down ad then come back down to the kitchen when I was done and make the same stuff.... Only without my help and without sitting with me...oh well I guess. this whole process unfolded over 12 months. Looking back it was very difficult. See where I am going with this??
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I guess on Monday I will not make her lunch and iced latte in the morning...oh boy ...i wonder what she's going to say ...i hope I'm making the right decision
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I guess on Monday I will not make her lunch and iced latte in the morning...oh boy ...i wonder what she's going to say ...i hope I'm making the right decision
She can say whatever she wants and you....accept it and keep moving on with your life
Look at this: my W has always being critical with me, when she left the house she asked to separate phone lines, sprint asked me for a $100 deposit and my phone broke that same day so I ended purchasing a brand new iphone 5s Today sprint called me saying that my "exW" has called them asking to separate accounts and if they cant do it in a easy way to say that my phone was lost or stolen and to cancel my number...after I spoke with the guy he agreed to look into that and give me a response on monday of the steps to take so I can keep the phone number and access to a brand new phone and have a new account....
My first tough was....what a b**tch how can she do that? Now this is the way I see this...there might be many reasons why she is doing this and I am accepting them and let them flow around, the most important thing to focus on? Not to loose my number so that is basically my priority at this point.... To TAKE CARE OF MYSELF despite her efforts to not allow that....
With all this I am trying to show you that the most important thing its you and nobody else and if you want to have a happiest life you have to take care of yourself no matter what your W does. Might she get upset? Yes and a lot...is that your problem? No at all, she is not going to respect you untill you respect yourself and the more you postpone that the more she is going to take advantage of the situation.... As I said she will have one day to respond to herself for all the behaviours she is developing right now, maybe with you or maybe with somebody else but all those patterns she is learning now will be evenctually be turned against her...
Act in the appropiate way and dont be affraid of her reactions, they are her reactions and she owns them as well as the consequences.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Last night I suggested that I'll make the kid's school lunches in the morning on Monday Wednesday and every other Friday and she do Tuesday, Thursday and the other Friday. W says you don't want to take care of your kids? Huh..i said i have been doing it everyday because you have to go to work in the morning. She did say are you still getting my coffee and things together and I said no. I said you filed for D so I need to take care of myself and we should split certain tasks - probably shouldnt have said that. W says "our relationship has always been about you ...taking care of your needs". I just walked away as i could see where things were going ..another argument.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I am having a tough time with trying to split tasks up so I can have more of my own life...our lives are so entwined ...this morning W says you can take and pick up kids from school those days then and she'll get them the other days ..well that doesn't make sense for me to do it since it's on her way. I said we'll talk about it later...didn't feel like getting into with kids around. She mentioned that her sisters hamster died and I said oh I didn't know they had a hamster and I asked whether she knew .. she then goes crazy on me saying how would she know blah blah ..then she says why do you always look at me ..huh..i said why are you always looking away from me ..she says I can't stand to look at you ..sheesh ..then she was on the couch and I saw the sores on her foot that she has been putting medication on and I asked how it was working ...she covers them and says don't worry about my feet. ..i said ever since you filed your attitude has got to the point where it's not easy even being here and it would be nice if she could at least be a little nice ...she said nothing ...said she was off to tan and would be showering when she got home and asked if I could shower while she was gone so we could get to daughter's gymnastics on time. I said sure ...Looking forward to seeing how the rest of our day will go :-/
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
You keep doing the same and you get the same results.... Are you going to work on changing that anytime?
Sandi rules...hard to follow them right? Its not hard, its a choice man. And you dont want to choose that because you keep focussing in something: you have a way to fix this....if I go to the DMV the rule is to get a number and wait on line if I dont follow that rule they kick me out....
In love there are no rules...if she files for D why she has to be nice? Because you are hurt and only that response will make you feel more at peace?
Again and again, let her do whatever she wants, you are controlling and you dont want to let go....you think you can "fix" your W... There is no responsability on you to fix her....do you want to fix my M? Do you want to fix my life? My economical situation?
Come on man, read this
Removing the Victim
Don't others see how much I'm hurting? Can't they see I need help? Don't they care?
The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us, its because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not yet reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for awareness in another that we have not yet had.
It is our job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step toward removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.
Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.
Start taking care of yourself man, let her people choose their path and trust me if they dont like the way things go, they will change that path...who that chooses to be unhappy its sole responsable of the way things are...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I suppose you are right that if she files D does she have to be nice. I guess if she didn't file she wouldn't have to be nice. I guess I didn't file so I don't know if i would be nice in her shoes. But my natural tendency is to say how are you? Did you have a good sleep? If she's treating some medical issue to ask how it's going...but Sandi's rules are to detach, you say it's not hard but I find it is ..I've been with this woman for 22years. I know i got to do this...
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
