melissa, continued . . .

[ye21]

That was a long post Melissa ;)and a very interesting one...

But it's just another example of how self absorbed my H is. He doesn't see how his actions affect others.

Melissa, he is on that moment in his life and you cant change it, I know it hurts but he has to be able to see that before he can change it, you telling him its not helping him, he gets defensive or ignores you and it doesnt changes nothing...

After reading all your post if I might I would love to help you see this more clear:

REMOVING THE VICTIM

Don't others see how much I'm hurting? Can't they see I need help? Don't they care?

The issue is not whether others see or care. The issue is whether we see and care about ourselves. Often, when we are pointing a finger at others, waiting for them to have compassion for us, its because we have not fully accepted our pain. We have not yet reached that point of caring about ourselves. We are hoping for awareness in another that we have not yet had.

It is our job to have compassion for ourselves. When we do, we have taken the first step toward removing ourselves as victims. We are on the way to self-responsibility, self-care, and change.

Today, I will not wait for others to see and care; I will take responsibility for being aware of my pain and problems, and caring about myself.

This is from a book and I wish you can see and find something that free that pain...
Do you think that the changes your H needs to do are your responsability? i mean are you responsable of showing him what he needs to change?

Its a lot of stress and basically its the core of our problemas hehe we want to control everthing and everybody so our fear its not present...

I hear your pain about your R and I see how you come here and judge your H, but Melissa have you ever think that he might not know better? That he is doing all this because thats what he feels inside at this point...

You said why he had to break 2 woods in tkd...I dont know exactly what it is why he did that but I would probably look in the direction of the need of attention, of hurt self image after everybody keeps telling him how "wrong" everything he does is....
The problem its not him drinking with girls, breaking more woods, having Affairs, the problem its deeper, I dont know his problem ok? I am just giving you an example...it might be this or not but look...

When I was with my W and we had a fight, she would call me names, even when we werent fighting... That broke my heart and destroyed my self steem... I had no idea why but then I found lately what was the problem.... I didnt accept myself and I wanted to be perfect for my W, friends and family...
Keeping myself to my selfimpose standards was really hard and I just couldnt so my way to get out of that, it was acting childiiss and not taking care of my emotionally or phisycally, did I knew that I was doing that???? Nop, I knew I wasnt happy but had no idea why.

I ended discovering my real me and accepting and loving myself...best gift ever.

Melissa, life its all about self discovery, you have to accept all your H behaviours and when I say accept it means, set personal boundaries for yourself...if going to Tkd with him makes you upset and hurt...then dont go with him...listen to your needs, its not selfish its loving its taking care of Melissa, and thats the way to show a great lesson to your kids

As I was saying life its about self discovery and the same way you will have to discover yourself, your H needs to discover himself and you have to let him follow that path alone...