M for 8 yrs, together for 14... 2 d's aged 6 and 3. me 34, w almost 34 w started a new job in feb 13.... by may she had feelings for her boss... who is/was apparently unhappily married with a child wife persued her boss by staying late at work constantly while she was saying to me that work was so busy. bring on sept 13 , the family went away to the cottage... w had a breakdown while with my aunt saying that she didnt think she was in love with me anymore... the dreaded i love him but not in love with him. beginning of sept, right before our oldest daughter started the new school yr, she decided to change child care arrangements, moving our girls to the bosses moms house... (wait for it) come october .. she decided to basically stay at work late every night.. we had an argument which i basically said via text what is going on .. are we over or somthing... hence the dreaded bomb drop nov 1 2013.. "i think we should separate". i took it hard.. very hard.. did all the begging and pleading and tried to give her space... went downstairs in to the basement.. but i became curious.. i managed to get into her facebook and found out about her feelings towards her boss... how the babysitter(bosses mom) said to her > cant wait for her son to be done with his marriage so he could be happy with you(my W) i confronted my wife about this.. she denied what i had read and said it hurt her that i invaded her space.. week later she admitted it was true.. and we are done.. i moved out of the house .. under the advice of her very religious friend to give her space to figure things out.. at the time i informed her parents of what was going on... her father told her she is confused and needs to really think about what she is doing. i resisted the request for separation and moved back into the house against her wishes boxing day.. we had an argument and she said she was leaving.. she left for a trip and basically started poking fun at me via facebook.... called me controlling and manipulative as i wouldnt give in to her request to separate.. she told me she was in love and he is her soulmate.. i dont know what love is and the only good thing that came from our marriage was our children. this hurt very badly... come january she moved her stuff out and apparently moved in with a friend.. and the girls stayed at home with me... she came over most evenings to put the girls to bed and would pick them up in the mornings for school and daycare. i eventually had enough of the crap and sent a msg to the bosses wife about the situation .. she initially quit her job over the phone.. and went directly to a lawyer and filed custody papers of the children.. came home on valentines day to a note and half of the household items gone. she moved into her fathers house with the children. pulled our kids from the bosses mothers house (daycare) and is now watching them and staying at home. she filed for full custody and made ridiculous acusations about me and filed for a restraining order. now.. through a mutual friend.. i agreed to do the separation as i realized i cant hold onto a marriage myself and she agreed to withdraw the custody papers.... still waiting for her lawyer to send the sep agreement.. which is being drafted up as im typing this. i have made quite a few mistakes people.. alot.. the funny thing is.. i still love my wife and my main goal was to keep my family whole.. but i cant control who my wife has turned into.... its been going on since november and honestly im still a bit in shock.... i realize i need to protect myself and my children.. have contacted legal council ...
M for 8 yrs, together for 14... 2 d's aged 6 and 3. me 34, w almost 34 w started a new job in feb 13.... by may she had feelings for her boss... who is/was apparently unhappily married with a child wife persued her boss by staying late at work constantly while she was saying to me that work was so busy. bring on sept 13 , the family went away to the cottage... w had a breakdown while with my aunt saying that she didnt think she was in love with me anymore... the dreaded i love him but not in love with him. beginning of sept, right before our oldest daughter started the new school yr, she decided to change child care arrangements, moving our girls to the bosses moms house... (wait for it) come october .. she decided to basically stay at work late every night.. we had an argument which i basically said via text what is going on .. are we over or somthing... hence the dreaded bomb drop nov 1 2013.. "i think we should separate". i took it hard.. very hard.. did all the begging and pleading and tried to give her space... went downstairs in to the basement.. but i became curious.. i managed to get into her facebook and found out about her feelings towards her boss... how the babysitter(bosses mom) said to her > cant wait for her son to be done with his marriage so he could be happy with you(my W) i confronted my wife about this.. she denied what i had read and said it hurt her that i invaded her space.. week later she admitted it was true.. and we are done.. i moved out of the house .. under the advice of her very religious friend to give her space to figure things out.. at the time i informed her parents of what was going on... her father told her she is confused and needs to really think about what she is doing. i resisted the request for separation and moved back into the house against her wishes boxing day.. we had an argument and she said she was leaving.. she left for a trip and basically started poking fun at me via facebook.... called me controlling and manipulative as i wouldnt give in to her request to separate.. she told me she was in love and he is her soulmate.. i dont know what love is and the only good thing that came from our marriage was our children. this hurt very badly... come january she moved her stuff out and apparently moved in with a friend.. and the girls stayed at home with me... she came over most evenings to put the girls to bed and would pick them up in the mornings for school and daycare. i eventually had enough of the crap and sent a msg to the bosses wife about the situation .. she initially quit her job over the phone.. and went directly to a lawyer and filed custody papers of the children.. came home on valentines day to a note and half of the household items gone. she moved into her fathers house with the children. pulled our kids from the bosses mothers house (daycare) and is now watching them and staying at home. she filed for full custody and made ridiculous acusations about me and filed for a restraining order. now.. through a mutual friend.. i agreed to do the separation as i realized i cant hold onto a marriage myself and she agreed to withdraw the custody papers.... still waiting for her lawyer to send the sep agreement.. which is being drafted up as im typing this. i have made quite a few mistakes people.. alot.. the funny thing is.. i still love my wife and my main goal was to keep my family whole.. but i cant control who my wife has turned into.... its been going on since november and honestly im still a bit in shock.... i realize i need to protect myself and my children.. have contacted legal council ...
Well, at least at this point you know your mistakes. We all make them early on. I can't say that I did anything right in the first two months either. Have you read the DR book yet? This helped me get a grip on the situation, like it does many of us. Start working on detaching and GAL. With tensions this high you are likely to get many jabs meant to draw you into arguments.
I'm guessing when you said W quit her job and took the kids that she had a fallout with OM because you told his W? Do you know how that played out? Definitely stop searching into FB and other portals into what has happened if you are doing it if you are trying to work things out. You will only find hurtful things there whether she means them or not they will not help 'you'. Also, I would not keep talking to family members about where she stands and / or the mistake she is making. I did this too and even 5 months in all it has accomplished is pushing W further from me and from those family members that might agree with you.
Welcome to the board and good luck.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Welcome to the journey. I am new too. Your story is quite a whirlwind. One thing that strikes me is how much your children have been yanked around. I would suggest trying to recreate a detailed record of all of that in a notebook. I did buy DR and it helps. There are still ups and downs emotionally but as they say it helps regain dignity and formulate a strategy. I read Sandi's rules every day. Every day I do something different (180) from my old patterns. For me!
LL 43 H 51 T 8 M 6 SS 17 15 S 6 D 3 H MLC started early 2013-think earlier actually, when BFF almost died mini-BD 8/13 separate rooms IDLYA, demands D ASAP 1/14 DR,DB,180s,LRT,GAL since mid Feb So confused
First....take a deep breath buddy. This is going to be a long ride. Definitely, get DR and read that. Read the 37 rules in the newcomers section as well....great starting place.
You're going to have to change your focus....and the sooner you do it, the better off you're going to be. It's no longer your marriage and your wife....now, it's you and your kids. Things seem like they are going really fast....some of it destructive. Get with your attorney immediately and figure out what the best course of action is to protect you and your children.
Once you get there....think about what you can control and focus on that. You can't control your W, and dealing with someone in an affair is like dealing with a drug addict. Nothing you do will stop her, and anything you do to try to stop her will drive anger and resentment.
Now...on to the rough stuff. You can only control you....so what don't you like about your role in the M? What were your W's complaints? What changes do you want to make in you? That's where you have to put your focus for a while.
