melissa

[melissag]

I knew that was coming, 25! And thank you for it.

OK, so let me elaborate a little, because this is obviously an area where I am struggling and hard.

I have read your story about the family trip you took. In fact, I copied it months ago and pasted it into my DB notes. It's from a long post that had some great insights and advice, and I referred back to it often. And, during the first 3-4 months of this mess, I did exactly what you did on that trip.

And you know what happened? I put M H on a pedestal and saw him as this wonderful person - who was leaving me.

OK, I could handle that, when I thought that there was some chance he would come back. I even kept up with it after he reiterated his desire for D in January and said he didn't want any obligations or expectations. When he was on match.com using photos of my kids I took on vacation. When he posted pics of himself with five drunk younger women on NYE. When he sent me an email with his proposal for division of assets and financial support, and when he insisted we not use lawyers - I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed (despite everyone here telling me otherwise) that he had good intentions and was just clueless.

Then, I filed for S. As you all know, that was incredibly difficult for me. I agonized over it for days. I cried about it a lot. I was unsure if I was doing the right thing. And when I did, my H turned into a complete a-hole. And I don't mean just the way I interpreted things. I mean, objectively speaking. Scowling at me, refusing to look at me, making rude comments, blaming me for everything that has ever gone wrong in life, trying to manipulate me, refusing to acknowledge me in front of our children, slinging false accusations at me, throwing my words (from when I was being vulnerable with him!) back in my face to try to "win," etc. And on top of it, blaming me for all his bad behavior.

And I have thought about our M, and not with my H on a pedestal, but really thought about it. And I realized how much my H hurt me, for YEARS, and blamed it all on me. The way I feel coming out of this M - I don't even trust myself, and that is AWFUL. (I am not disclaiming my part in the failure of the M, or the fact that I hurt my H, just saying that I had already gone there, but hadn't thought about the other side of the equation.)

So I thought about your post yesterday, with the thoughts about my H in TKD. I tried to think about the things he was doing in a more positive light. I thought, well, that's good that he is doing his best. And it is. But it's just another example of how self absorbed my H is. He doesn't see how his actions affect others. The reason that doing TKD as a family is so great is that my kids can feel at an equal level with Mom and Dad. We are all learning together. So when my S7 is proud of himself for breaking an adult board, WHY does my H have to break two adult boards? WHYYY??? Nobody else in the 40 people who tested broke two boards, or asked to try. Did I mention here a couple weeks ago when my D said to me, "Mom, I'm glad that we are the same belt rank, because if Dad was a higher rank, he would make fun of me all the time." ???? I say nothing about it, but the kids see it too, and they don't like it.

I'm sure this way of thinking is somehow not helping - please do keep hammering this, if I am not getting it. I'm just stuck in this weird place of wanting to protect myself, yet wanting to not be bitter/angry/resentful, and wanting to be the person who sees the positive and not dwell in negativity, but also wanting to see reality.

I think that the whole ML thing really f-ed me up, too. I ML with my H many, MANY times after BD. Because he had told me things that gave me hope that we could R. Because I felt that I had not been vulnerable enough in the M. What I had been doing in the M (in a brief summary), was rejecting him (by looking at the negatives and withholding intimacy), to avoid begin hurt by him. And the way I looked at it then, was that I needed to 180. I needed to just put it out there, to be vulnerable.

So when he said to me, about a month ago (twice, actually), "I fvcked up by sleeping with you," I felt like the biggest piece of sh!t on the planet. Like a worthless piece of crap. And like a complete IDIOT for having opened myself up to him.

And that's just what he continues to do. When I try to see the good in him, he just slams it in my face.

And I am tired of that. I really am. I am sick of being a victim. Someone who treats me the way he has, doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt. They don't deserve crap. And if we didn't have children, I would simply banish him from my life forever, because that's EXACTLY the type of stuff I don't need in my life.

Now, if he showed ANY interest at all in working on the M, ANY evidence that he gives even the tiniest CRAP about me, then you know what? I would be sucking it up and taking the sh!t in the name of restoring our M. I ddi it before, I could do it again.

But WHY would I do that now? WHY? It seems idiotic at this point. Am I just hoping to get emotionally slammed, over and over again?

How do I walk the line here? How do I see reality but not focus on the negativity? How do I see the good parts of my H without being further emotionally annihilated when he pulls more of his crap?

If I look at his negative traits/behaviors in a positive way instead, where is the line between trying to be positive and ignoring reality? To the detriment of myself and my kids?

I really just haven't figured any of this out.

I know my H doesn't know jack about my D9's doctor appointment. I doubt he even knows why she is going. It seems to me that, if he is actually trying to be more involved in her health care, or whatever, he might ask me about the appointment. But he never did. He only insisted that he come. It just reeks of a power play. (Or of being clueless of how to be more involved.) But OK, I decided (thanks to some help from Ruby) to be gracious about it. I texted him last night with the details of the time, place, etc. And asked if he would like to meet at the office. I will try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I really will.

The reason my D9 doesn't want H to go to her appointment? I don't know for sure because we haven't spoken about it. But in the past, she has been hurt by his refusal to take her medical issues seriously. My H doesn't believe people when they are ill/injured, "unless there is blood or vomit." (his words.) If my D says she has a stomach ache, he tries to prove that she is lying. ("Well, you seemed fine when you ate that cupcake." etc.) Recently, when she told him that she gets a stomach ache if she runs around a lot, he told her she is just a "lazy butt." So I can see why she wouldn't want him involved in her doctor's appointment.

What do you mean by this:

I found myself being angry because I let H take the kids both nights this weekend, to be nice.

Look at that sentence^^...you "Found" yourself being angry "because" you "let h take the kids both nights to be nice"....Melissa, come on. I'm calling you out on this.

Here I was admitting that I screwed up. I had expectations attached to an action of mine that benefited my H. I didn't do it just because it was what I wanted to do. I expected something in return. My bad.

Was there something else, in addition to that, that I'm not seeing?

Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Do it for real.

Isn't this just self-inflicted emotional torture?

I'm not trying to prove you wrong, 25, or defend myself. I think that there is great advice in there, and I don't want to be bitter resentful lady. I just haven't figured out how to walk the line of trying to see the best in my H (or at least giving him the benefit of the doubt) while protecting myself from being further emotionally crapped on. How do I give someone the benefit of the doubt when he is coming at me with both fists up, flinging poop at me?

Bllaaagghhhh, I hate all of this.