I still need to learn how not to let my H ruin my day.
Had a great time with my kids today (they had the day off school), then went to our TKD belt testing. It was fun, and I think we all did pretty well. Got to break a board at the end which is always fun.
I found myself thinking those old thoughts about H that I used to think - how annoying he is in TKD. He always has to be the best at everything. To the point that, during kicking, he knocked over the instructor who was holding the pad. When we run during warm up, he has to sprint and lap everyone. We all broke boards at the end of our testing. My D9 broke a teenage board, S7 broke an adult board (as did I) but of course my H had to ask to break two adult boards at once. Ugh. It reminded me of when my H would play Candyland with my then D3, and he would school her every time. Who needs to assert their athletic or intellectual dominance over children?
Anyway, whatever. I just laughed in my head. But I want to get to a point where I don't give a crap what he does at all (or if he farts in my general direction while he laps me during warm-up).
Detach, detach, detach!!!
So then afterward, I was in a good mood and of course H had to glare and scowl at me, speak to me in a bitchy tone, and then insist that he needs to come to my D9's doctor appointment tomorrow. The man has been to approximately .01% of my kids' appointments of any kind. It should be so fun for all of us to go. My D9 doesn't want Dad to go. S7 doesn't want to sit there bored. And my H is just going to scowl at me. So, I think I will just have to be Bob Barker.
I found myself being angry because I let H take the kids both nights this weekend, to be nice. And I said, when I agreed to that, that I needed to pick up D9 to take her to her appointment. Then I get his scowls and insistence on coming to the appointment. And then I get an email from my lawyer about his proposed parenting plan. And I realized . . . I must have had some expectations when I agreed to let him have the kids this weekend.
Ugh.
Must. Get. Back. On. Track.
I need to be the SAME person no matter what H does, and make the decisions I want to make, regardless of what H may or may not do in return/reaction/whatever.
Maybe I should write it in Sharpie on my arm.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Have been following along and again nodding. I can imagine your H does a lot of mind reading, assuming you will react in a particular way and then WAM you do something else..love it Detaching is so tough..and I fear like you that expectations will sink me everytime.. I know I think I have been . Good or fair or whatever so he will be pleasant back.. and he doesn't and then I'm hurt and then I'm angry I'm hurt ahhhh... Enjoy you summer sports. I don't understand them ... but love the rugby so understand For me I would do the week long course in TKD.. maybe your H can't get so much time away crom work.. fingers crossed and what happened to his rowing
Happy Friday! I still need to learn how not to let my H ruin my day. I think you might begin by spinning the aspects of his personality into positives or at least neutralize them...truly, there's too much negative swirling going on....it's costing you, and maybe, the kids...
Had a great time with my kids today (they had the day off school), then went to our TKD belt testing. It was fun, and I think we all did pretty well. Got to break a board at the end which is always fun. I found myself thinking those old thoughts about H that I used to think - how annoying he is in TKD. STOP the negativity here^^^. I'm not hitting you with a 2 x 4 so much as saying 'hey, it's right here^^^...the pattern that brings you down...please allow me to cross thru the things below that are you just negating the father of your children, which does no one any good, especially YOU.
He always has to be the best at everything. To the point that, during kicking, he knocked over the instructor who was holding the pad. When we run during warm up, he has to sprint and lap everyone.
Melissa, you know the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff"? Honey, THIS^^ is the small stuff. It's downright puny. I recognize this pattern and I"m telling you it reminds me of my journals from 2006. I can't even read them now b/c I feel the bitterness welling up inside and it eats away at ME...but it's self inflicted!!
We all broke boards at the end of our testing. My D9 broke a teenage board, S7 broke an adult board (as did I) but of course my H had to ask to break two adult boards at once. Ugh. It reminded me of when my H would play Candyland with my then D3, and he would school her every time. Who needs to assert their athletic or intellectual dominance over children?
Anyway, whatever. I just laughed in my head. But I want to get to a point where I don't give a crap what he does at all (or if he farts in my general direction while he laps me during warm-up). Detach, detach, detach!!! it all begins with you. Truly, it does. GAL and do the 180s (internally too), and detachment will come...But this^^ negative mind reading and interpreting in the worst light, I swear it hurts you the most...and cannot possibly be good for the kids. Frankly, I don't care much how it effects your h. I'm talking about what you are doing to yourself in how you two interact,
which is probably not new and probably part of why the situation has deteriorated.
For every stubborn comment your h made about the freaking field trip, you had a retort...I mean, can't he argue the same stuff about your need to win, and being critical?
So then afterward, I was in a good mood ???
and of course H had to glare and scowl at me, speak to me in a bitchy tone, and then insist that he needs to come to my D9's doctor appointment tomorrow. The man has been to approximately .01% of my kids' appointments of any kind. I'm grateful he's making an effort to be a better dad. You said you wanted that or would welcome it. So, what's the problem here? Isn't this part of the "Dad trying to step up to the plate" scenario?
I don't get why it angers you b/c frankly, if he didn't want to go or ignored it, wouldn't that be more "proof" of what a lousy dad he is? I see this as a positive. You need to stop spiraling negatively about him.
It should be so fun for all of us to go. My D9 doesn't want Dad to go. S7 doesn't want to sit there bored. Why would your d Not want her dad to go? Think about that. She seems quite fond of his attention. And if your h does go, it will help your son, right? I mean, what's the "blame h" for S7 being bored, which is also a prediction/projection from you, not yet realized...
And my H is just going to scowl at me. So, I think I will just have to be Bob Barker. I found myself being angry because I let H take the kids both nights this weekend, to be nice. Look at that sentence^^...you "Found" yourself being angry "because" you "let h take the kids both nights to be nice"....Melissa, come on. I'm calling you out on this.
And I said, when I agreed to that, that I needed to pick up D9 to take her to her appointment. Then I get his scowls and insistence on coming to the appointment. And then I get an email from my lawyer about his proposed parenting plan. And I realized . . . I must have had some expectations when I agreed to let him have the kids this weekend.
Ugh.
Must. Get. Back. On. Track. I need to be the SAME person no matter what H does, and make the decisions I want to make, regardless of what H may or may not do in return/reaction/whatever. really? Why not treat him like he's the father of your kids and wants to be a decent guy? Give him something to live up to, and lose the negative expectations b/c I think that's all you'll see.
Maybe I should write it in Sharpie on my arm.
Take it a day at a time. See him in the most compassionate light you can, for a DAY. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Do it for real.
Spin every "over aggressive" aspect into a positive, i.e.. "confident". "Nerdy" = "intelligent", etc. (Or at least make it a neutral).
What am I talking about? I'm talking about Palm Springs...
If I'm repeating myself, please forgive me. But this was a huge Aha moment for me, so here it goes...
7 weeks before he was scheduled to move to Alaska, for his "mission", my H wanted to go to Palm Springs for a 4 day med conference "as a family" (with our d's, b/c Son was away at college)...wth?
I balked at being "Fake" and I didn't want to pretend all was well with us, and how confused the girls would be, not to mention me.
No way. Why "reward" him for planning to leave, and giving him his 'family fix" right before he leaves us??
Fortunately, my DB coach asked me the right questions, such as,
"What about giving your girls a good memory? A time together for them to treasure, as it might be the last vacation you all take?
What about giving your h something to miss? (Not escape from...)"
she advised me to Try to DETACH --- for just those 4 days, try to see him in the most positive light... or at least not a negative light..."\
I forced myself her advice b/c I respected her, and b/c I knew it was only 4 days.
I'm ashamed to admit that I literally told myself "25, you can still be mad at h, later..." and that comforted me!!
Man, talk about me holding onto my anger. OMG, It belonged to me! I earned it! He deserved my anger, and that was what was FAIR and that was what was JUST and, blah blah blah...
But Melissa, I thought, maybe I could do it "some", or one day at a time. Maybe, maybe even for the whole 4 days. I wasn't sure. But I had some hope that for awhile, I would not be the bad guy. I would not be the negative person and I would be the Mother Teresa for those four days if it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And the first day it kind of was...
That day as we drove, I began to feel that he "nerded out" while driving. He was chatting with our D's about some nature & a red tail hawk flying in the desert.
Suddenly I remembered my DB coach's advice and it hit me that the girls might be learning from their dad. And I felt a strange sensation of, possible gratitude..???
So I stopped the "nerd" projection and realized I could at least neutralize the negative thinking, (if not actually convert it into the thought that indeed I had married a smart man).
I had forgotten, or suppressed or chosen to ignore that my H can also be funny (and I sure as heck am hilarious).
In time, I calmed down a bit. He did not "MAKE me nuts" b/c I silenced myself. Step one was doing it internally.
At times all I could do was be neutral about h. At times I was not quite able to make it into a "positive"--but I did stop the negative thinking.
I used the old STOP SIGN that I had to use when I wondered about possible OWs...I had to Stop and redirect the stinking thinking. Melissa, so do you.
It helped me at least stop the negative spiraling...and in time, like >2 days together, I felt a bit more attracted to him, I semi laughed at his jokes a few times, made some jokes too, and he became visibly more relaxed around me. Honestly, this was a pivotal moment for me although I didn't know it completely at the time. I just realized that something had shifted within me, that a glimmer of something foreign to me had been conceived. I think I had glimpsed what forgiveness might look like.
Anyhow, I was able to act happy for the girls, and then, I WAS HAPPIER...
So, please consider this. And please, please see two TED talks. One is by Shawn Achor on positive psychology and the other is Amy Cuddy on taking a "fake it til you make it" and changing it into a "Fake it til you become it!" She has some fascinating science backing her up.
In Achor's video (it's only 20 min), he discusses how we can MAKE ourselves happier by changing our thought patterns. Not that complex, yet very effective. Very empowering.
And It can't hurt...
((((( )))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Happy Friday! I still need to learn how not to let my H ruin my day. I think you might begin by spinning the aspects of his personality into positives or at least neutralize them...truly, there's too much negative swirling going on....it's costing you, and maybe, the kids...
Had a great time with my kids today (they had the day off school), then went to our TKD belt testing. It was fun, and I think we all did pretty well. Got to break a board at the end which is always fun. I found myself thinking those old thoughts about H that I used to think - how annoying he is in TKD. STOP the negativity here^^^. I'm not hitting you with a 2 x 4 so much as saying 'hey, it's right here^^^...the pattern that brings you down...please allow me to cross thru the things below that are you just negating the father of your children, which does no one any good, especially YOU.
He always has to be the best at everything. To the point that, during kicking, he knocked over the instructor who was holding the pad. When we run during warm up, he has to sprint and lap everyone.
Melissa, you know the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff"? Honey, THIS^^ is the small stuff. It's downright puny. I recognize this pattern and I"m telling you it reminds me of my journals from 2006. I can't even read them now b/c I feel the bitterness welling up inside and it eats away at ME...but it's self inflicted!!
We all broke boards at the end of our testing. My D9 broke a teenage board, S7 broke an adult board (as did I) but of course my H had to ask to break two adult boards at once. Ugh. It reminded me of when my H would play Candyland with my then D3, and he would school her every time. Who needs to assert their athletic or intellectual dominance over children?
Anyway, whatever. I just laughed in my head. But I want to get to a point where I don't give a crap what he does at all (or if he farts in my general direction while he laps me during warm-up). Detach, detach, detach!!! it all begins with you. Truly, it does. GAL and do the 180s (internally too), and detachment will come...But this^^ negative mind reading and interpreting in the worst light, I swear it hurts you the most...and cannot possibly be good for the kids. Frankly, I don't care much how it effects your h. I'm talking about what you are doing to yourself in how you two interact,
which is probably not new and probably part of why the situation has deteriorated.
For every stubborn comment your h made about the freaking field trip, you had a retort...I mean, can't he argue the same stuff about your need to win, and being critical?
So then afterward, I was in a good mood ???
and of course H had to glare and scowl at me, speak to me in a bitchy tone, and then insist that he needs to come to my D9's doctor appointment tomorrow. The man has been to approximately .01% of my kids' appointments of any kind. I'm grateful he's making an effort to be a better dad. You said you wanted that or would welcome it. So, what's the problem here? Isn't this part of the "Dad trying to step up to the plate" scenario?
I don't get why it angers you b/c frankly, if he didn't want to go or ignored it, wouldn't that be more "proof" of what a lousy dad he is? I see this as a positive. You need to stop spiraling negatively about him.
It should be so fun for all of us to go. My D9 doesn't want Dad to go. S7 doesn't want to sit there bored. Why would your d Not want her dad to go? Think about that. She seems quite fond of his attention. And if your h does go, it will help your son, right? I mean, what's the "blame h" for S7 being bored, which is also a prediction/projection from you, not yet realized...
And my H is just going to scowl at me. So, I think I will just have to be Bob Barker. I found myself being angry because I let H take the kids both nights this weekend, to be nice. Look at that sentence^^...you "Found" yourself being angry "because" you "let h take the kids both nights to be nice"....Melissa, come on. I'm calling you out on this.
And I said, when I agreed to that, that I needed to pick up D9 to take her to her appointment. Then I get his scowls and insistence on coming to the appointment. And then I get an email from my lawyer about his proposed parenting plan. And I realized . . . I must have had some expectations when I agreed to let him have the kids this weekend.
Ugh.
Must. Get. Back. On. Track. I need to be the SAME person no matter what H does, and make the decisions I want to make, regardless of what H may or may not do in return/reaction/whatever. really? Why not treat him like he's the father of your kids and wants to be a decent guy? Give him something to live up to, and lose the negative expectations b/c I think that's all you'll see.
Maybe I should write it in Sharpie on my arm.
Take it a day at a time. See him in the most compassionate light you can, for a DAY. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Do it for real.
Spin every "over aggressive" aspect into a positive, i.e.. "confident". "Nerdy" = "intelligent", etc. (Or at least make it a neutral).
What am I talking about? I'm talking about Palm Springs...
If I'm repeating myself, please forgive me. But this was a huge Aha moment for me, so here it goes...
7 weeks before he was scheduled to move to Alaska, for his "mission", my H wanted to go to Palm Springs for a 4 day med conference "as a family" (with our d's, b/c Son was away at college)...wth?
I balked at being "Fake" and I didn't want to pretend all was well with us, and how confused the girls would be, not to mention me.
No way. Why "reward" him for planning to leave, and giving him his 'family fix" right before he leaves us??
Fortunately, my DB coach asked me the right questions, such as,
"What about giving your girls a good memory? A time together for them to treasure, as it might be the last vacation you all take?
What about giving your h something to miss? (Not escape from...)"
she advised me to Try to DETACH --- for just those 4 days, try to see him in the most positive light... or at least not a negative light..."\
I forced myself her advice b/c I respected her, and b/c I knew it was only 4 days.
I'm ashamed to admit that I literally told myself "25, you can still be mad at h, later..." and that comforted me!!
Man, talk about me holding onto my anger. OMG, It belonged to me! I earned it! He deserved my anger, and that was what was FAIR and that was what was JUST and, blah blah blah...
But Melissa, I thought, maybe I could do it "some", or one day at a time. Maybe, maybe even for the whole 4 days. I wasn't sure. But I had some hope that for awhile, I would not be the bad guy. I would not be the negative person and I would be the Mother Teresa for those four days if it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And the first day it kind of was...
That day as we drove, I began to feel that he "nerded out" while driving. He was chatting with our D's about some nature & a red tail hawk flying in the desert.
Suddenly I remembered my DB coach's advice and it hit me that the girls might be learning from their dad. And I felt a strange sensation of, possible gratitude..???
So I stopped the "nerd" projection and realized I could at least neutralize the negative thinking, (if not actually convert it into the thought that indeed I had married a smart man).
I had forgotten, or suppressed or chosen to ignore that my H can also be funny (and I sure as heck am hilarious).
In time, I calmed down a bit. He did not "MAKE me nuts" b/c I silenced myself. Step one was doing it internally.
At times all I could do was be neutral about h. At times I was not quite able to make it into a "positive"--but I did stop the negative thinking.
I used the old STOP SIGN that I had to use when I wondered about possible OWs...I had to Stop and redirect the stinking thinking. Melissa, so do you.
It helped me at least stop the negative spiraling...and in time, like >2 days together, I felt a bit more attracted to him, I semi laughed at his jokes a few times, made some jokes too, and he became visibly more relaxed around me. Honestly, this was a pivotal moment for me although I didn't know it completely at the time. I just realized that something had shifted within me, that a glimmer of something foreign to me had been conceived. I think I had glimpsed what forgiveness might look like.
Anyhow, I was able to act happy for the girls, and then, I WAS HAPPIER...
So, please consider this. And please, please see two TED talks. One is by Shawn Achor on positive psychology and the other is Amy Cuddy on taking a "fake it til you make it" and changing it into a "Fake it til you become it!" She has some fascinating science backing her up.
In Achor's video (it's only 20 min), he discusses how we can MAKE ourselves happier by changing our thought patterns. Not that complex, yet very effective. Very empowering.
And It can't hurt...
((((( )))))
25. I learned a lot from that post. If I cojld practice even some of it, it would be very helpful to me. ((((((M))))) looking outside of your and mine what's here makes slot of sense. It appears as though our M are over...but life keeps going. What 25 outlines here is a roadmap to smooth ing out the path and moving forward without becoming bitter or becoming a "victim" of what just happened in our lives. I made a conscious choice there on thst last sentence. I might have said what just "happened to us" before. 25, after some growth, I am able to see that I reacted to your first contribution to my thread in a very defensive manner. I didn't want to look in the mirror. I am sorry for my reaction then but I am grateful that you take the time you have taken to share what you gained on your journey. Back to you M. Just keep swimming.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
25 I think that post will be valuable for so many of us! I just watched the "fake it till you become it" TED talk. I am/was famous for the superwoman pose and h hated it so I spent years doing the opposite to not seem threatening.
I have a lot to think about regarding the dynamics of our relationship past and present. I am sure I will muse about it later on my thread but for now back to Melissa
Melissa I am sure I have said this before but thank you for being so open and transparent with your process. It is very brave to put it all out there
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
OK, so let me elaborate a little, because this is obviously an area where I am struggling and hard.
I have read your story about the family trip you took. In fact, I copied it months ago and pasted it into my DB notes. It's from a long post that had some great insights and advice, and I referred back to it often. And, during the first 3-4 months of this mess, I did exactly what you did on that trip.
And you know what happened? I put M H on a pedestal and saw him as this wonderful person - who was leaving me.
OK, I could handle that, when I thought that there was some chance he would come back. I even kept up with it after he reiterated his desire for D in January and said he didn't want any obligations or expectations. When he was on match.com using photos of my kids I took on vacation. When he posted pics of himself with five drunk younger women on NYE. When he sent me an email with his proposal for division of assets and financial support, and when he insisted we not use lawyers - I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed (despite everyone here telling me otherwise) that he had good intentions and was just clueless.
Then, I filed for S. As you all know, that was incredibly difficult for me. I agonized over it for days. I cried about it a lot. I was unsure if I was doing the right thing. And when I did, my H turned into a complete a-hole. And I don't mean just the way I interpreted things. I mean, objectively speaking. Scowling at me, refusing to look at me, making rude comments, blaming me for everything that has ever gone wrong in life, trying to manipulate me, refusing to acknowledge me in front of our children, slinging false accusations at me, throwing my words (from when I was being vulnerable with him!) back in my face to try to "win," etc. And on top of it, blaming me for all his bad behavior.
And I have thought about our M, and not with my H on a pedestal, but really thought about it. And I realized how much my H hurt me, for YEARS, and blamed it all on me. The way I feel coming out of this M - I don't even trust myself, and that is AWFUL. (I am not disclaiming my part in the failure of the M, or the fact that I hurt my H, just saying that I had already gone there, but hadn't thought about the other side of the equation.)
So I thought about your post yesterday, with the thoughts about my H in TKD. I tried to think about the things he was doing in a more positive light. I thought, well, that's good that he is doing his best. And it is. But it's just another example of how self absorbed my H is. He doesn't see how his actions affect others. The reason that doing TKD as a family is so great is that my kids can feel at an equal level with Mom and Dad. We are all learning together. So when my S7 is proud of himself for breaking an adult board, WHY does my H have to break two adult boards? WHYYY??? Nobody else in the 40 people who tested broke two boards, or asked to try. Did I mention here a couple weeks ago when my D said to me, "Mom, I'm glad that we are the same belt rank, because if Dad was a higher rank, he would make fun of me all the time." ???? I say nothing about it, but the kids see it too, and they don't like it.
I'm sure this way of thinking is somehow not helping - please do keep hammering this, if I am not getting it. I'm just stuck in this weird place of wanting to protect myself, yet wanting to not be bitter/angry/resentful, and wanting to be the person who sees the positive and not dwell in negativity, but also wanting to see reality.
I think that the whole ML thing really f-ed me up, too. I ML with my H many, MANY times after BD. Because he had told me things that gave me hope that we could R. Because I felt that I had not been vulnerable enough in the M. What I had been doing in the M (in a brief summary), was rejecting him (by looking at the negatives and withholding intimacy), to avoid begin hurt by him. And the way I looked at it then, was that I needed to 180. I needed to just put it out there, to be vulnerable.
So when he said to me, about a month ago (twice, actually), "I fvcked up by sleeping with you," I felt like the biggest piece of sh!t on the planet. Like a worthless piece of crap. And like a complete IDIOT for having opened myself up to him.
And that's just what he continues to do. When I try to see the good in him, he just slams it in my face.
And I am tired of that. I really am. I am sick of being a victim. Someone who treats me the way he has, doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt. They don't deserve crap. And if we didn't have children, I would simply banish him from my life forever, because that's EXACTLY the type of stuff I don't need in my life.
Now, if he showed ANY interest at all in working on the M, ANY evidence that he gives even the tiniest CRAP about me, then you know what? I would be sucking it up and taking the sh!t in the name of restoring our M. I ddi it before, I could do it again.
But WHY would I do that now? WHY? It seems idiotic at this point. Am I just hoping to get emotionally slammed, over and over again?
How do I walk the line here? How do I see reality but not focus on the negativity? How do I see the good parts of my H without being further emotionally annihilated when he pulls more of his crap?
If I look at his negative traits/behaviors in a positive way instead, where is the line between trying to be positive and ignoring reality? To the detriment of myself and my kids?
I really just haven't figured any of this out.
I know my H doesn't know jack about my D9's doctor appointment. I doubt he even knows why she is going. It seems to me that, if he is actually trying to be more involved in her health care, or whatever, he might ask me about the appointment. But he never did. He only insisted that he come. It just reeks of a power play. (Or of being clueless of how to be more involved.) But OK, I decided (thanks to some help from Ruby) to be gracious about it. I texted him last night with the details of the time, place, etc. And asked if he would like to meet at the office. I will try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I really will.
The reason my D9 doesn't want H to go to her appointment? I don't know for sure because we haven't spoken about it. But in the past, she has been hurt by his refusal to take her medical issues seriously. My H doesn't believe people when they are ill/injured, "unless there is blood or vomit." (his words.) If my D says she has a stomach ache, he tries to prove that she is lying. ("Well, you seemed fine when you ate that cupcake." etc.) Recently, when she told him that she gets a stomach ache if she runs around a lot, he told her she is just a "lazy butt." So I can see why she wouldn't want him involved in her doctor's appointment.
What do you mean by this:
Quote:
I found myself being angry because I let H take the kids both nights this weekend, to be nice.
Look at that sentence^^...you "Found" yourself being angry "because" you "let h take the kids both nights to be nice"....Melissa, come on. I'm calling you out on this.
Here I was admitting that I screwed up. I had expectations attached to an action of mine that benefited my H. I didn't do it just because it was what I wanted to do. I expected something in return. My bad.
Was there something else, in addition to that, that I'm not seeing?
Quote:
Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Do it for real.
Isn't this just self-inflicted emotional torture?
I'm not trying to prove you wrong, 25, or defend myself. I think that there is great advice in there, and I don't want to be bitter resentful lady. I just haven't figured out how to walk the line of trying to see the best in my H (or at least giving him the benefit of the doubt) while protecting myself from being further emotionally crapped on. How do I give someone the benefit of the doubt when he is coming at me with both fists up, flinging poop at me?
Bllaaagghhhh, I hate all of this.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Mel, you are brave. This is hard stuff here and you're really trying. Kudos to you. I think what 25 is saying is that the way you talk about and feel about your H is so harsh. And that doesn't help you or the kids. I get that your H is a total a$$hat. I don't doubt that for a second. But he is what he is and he ain't what he ain't. You piling on more interpretive poop on top of what he does or says, accurate or not, doesn't help. Indeed, it's toxic. You did love him once and he is a human being. So maybe try and just accept what he says or does with the compassion of knowing that he's trapped by all his jerkiness and let it go. You don't need to twist yourself up about how wrong he is all the time. Breathe a little. There used to be a saying in this board, "not forgiving your H is like lighting yourself on fire just to get smoke in their eyes." Give it a rest, even if it's just to spare you further angst. You are never gonna make him see he's wrong, especially by judging him. It may make you feel more vindicated but it will still put a knot in your stomach. Accepting who he truly is, a jerk, doesn't mean you have to like it or agree with it. It just means that you get to drop all the judgment, which doesn't do any good any way, and bring a bit more peace to you and your family. But you are really hurt and are not ready to let that go. It's understandable. It will get better. It will.
