melissa

[paul19510]

Happy Friday!

I still need to learn how not to let my H ruin my day.

I think you might begin by spinning the aspects of his personality into positives or at least neutralize them...truly, there's too much negative swirling going on....it's costing you, and maybe, the kids...

Had a great time with my kids today (they had the day off school), then went to our TKD belt testing. It was fun, and I think we all did pretty well. Got to break a board at the end which is always fun.

I found myself thinking those old thoughts about H that I used to think - how annoying he is in TKD.

STOP the negativity here^^^. I'm not hitting you with a 2 x 4 so much as saying 'hey, it's right here^^^...the pattern that brings you down...please allow me to cross thru the things below that are you just negating the father of your children, which does no one any good, especially YOU.


He always has to be the best at everything. To the point that, during kicking, he knocked over the instructor who was holding the pad. When we run during warm up, he has to sprint and lap everyone.


Melissa, you know the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff"? Honey, THIS^^ is the small stuff. It's downright puny. I recognize this pattern and I"m telling you it reminds me of my journals from 2006. I can't even read them now b/c I feel the bitterness welling up inside and it eats away at ME...but it's self inflicted!!


We all broke boards at the end of our testing. My D9 broke a teenage board, S7 broke an adult board (as did I) but of course my H had to ask to break two adult boards at once. Ugh. It reminded me of when my H would play Candyland with my then D3, and he would school her every time. Who needs to assert their athletic or intellectual dominance over children?

Anyway, whatever. I just laughed in my head. But I want to get to a point where I don't give a crap what he does at all (or if he farts in my general direction while he laps me during warm-up).

Detach, detach, detach!!!

it all begins with you. Truly, it does. GAL and do the 180s (internally too), and detachment will come...But this^^ negative mind reading and interpreting in the worst light, I swear it hurts you the most...and cannot possibly be good for the kids. Frankly, I don't care much how it effects your h. I'm talking about what you are doing to yourself in how you two interact,

which is probably not new and probably part of why the situation has deteriorated.

For every stubborn comment your h made about the freaking field trip, you had a retort...I mean, can't he argue the same stuff about your need to win, and being critical?


So then afterward, I was in a good mood

???


and of course H had to glare and scowl at me, speak to me in a bitchy tone, and then insist that he needs to come to my D9's doctor appointment tomorrow. The man has been to approximately .01% of my kids' appointments of any kind.

I'm grateful he's making an effort to be a better dad. You said you wanted that or would welcome it. So, what's the problem here? Isn't this part of the "Dad trying to step up to the plate" scenario?

I don't get why it angers you b/c frankly, if he didn't want to go or ignored it, wouldn't that be more "proof" of what a lousy dad he is? I see this as a positive. You need to stop spiraling negatively about him.

It should be so fun for all of us to go. My D9 doesn't want Dad to go. S7 doesn't want to sit there bored.

Why would your d Not want her dad to go? Think about that. She seems quite fond of his attention. And if your h does go, it will help your son, right? I mean, what's the "blame h" for S7 being bored, which is also a prediction/projection from you, not yet realized...


And my H is just going to scowl at me. So, I think I will just have to be Bob Barker.

I found myself being angry because I let H take the kids both nights this weekend, to be nice.

Look at that sentence^^...you "Found" yourself being angry "because" you "let h take the kids both nights to be nice"....Melissa, come on. I'm calling you out on this.


And I said, when I agreed to that, that I needed to pick up D9 to take her to her appointment. Then I get his scowls and insistence on coming to the appointment. And then I get an email from my lawyer about his proposed parenting plan. And I realized . . . I must have had some expectations when I agreed to let him have the kids this weekend.

Ugh.

Must. Get. Back. On. Track.

I need to be the SAME person no matter what H does, and make the decisions I want to make, regardless of what H may or may not do in return/reaction/whatever.

really? Why not treat him like he's the father of your kids and wants to be a decent guy? Give him something to live up to, and lose the negative expectations b/c I think that's all you'll see.

Maybe I should write it in Sharpie on my arm.

Take it a day at a time. See him in the most compassionate light you can, for a DAY. Remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Do it for real.

Spin every "over aggressive" aspect into a positive, i.e.. "confident". "Nerdy" = "intelligent", etc. (Or at least make it a neutral).

What am I talking about? I'm talking about Palm Springs...

If I'm repeating myself, please forgive me. But this was a huge Aha moment for me, so here it goes...

7 weeks before he was scheduled to move to Alaska, for his "mission", my H wanted to go to Palm Springs for a 4 day med conference "as a family" (with our d's, b/c Son was away at college)...wth?

I balked at being "Fake" and I didn't want to pretend all was well with us, and how confused the girls would be, not to mention me.

No way. Why "reward" him for planning to leave, and giving him his 'family fix" right before he leaves us??

Fortunately, my DB coach asked me the right questions, such as,

"What about giving your girls a good memory? A time together for them to treasure, as it might be the last vacation you all take?

What about giving your h something to miss? (Not escape from...)"

she advised me to Try to DETACH --- for just those 4 days, try to see him in the most positive light... or at least not a negative light..."\


I forced myself her advice b/c I respected her, and b/c I knew it was only 4 days.

I'm ashamed to admit that I literally told myself "25, you can still be mad at h, later..." and that comforted me!!

Man, talk about me holding onto my anger. OMG, It belonged to me! I earned it! He deserved my anger, and that was what was FAIR and that was what was JUST and, blah blah blah...

But Melissa, I thought, maybe I could do it "some", or one day at a time. Maybe, maybe even for the whole 4 days. I wasn't sure. But I had some hope that for awhile, I would not be the bad guy. I would not be the negative person and I would be the Mother Teresa for those four days if it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And the first day it kind of was...

That day as we drove, I began to feel that he "nerded out" while driving. He was chatting with our D's about some nature & a red tail hawk flying in the desert.

Suddenly I remembered my DB coach's advice and it hit me that the girls might be learning from their dad. And I felt a strange sensation of, possible gratitude..???

So I stopped the "nerd" projection and realized I could at least neutralize the negative thinking, (if not actually convert it into the thought that indeed I had married a smart man).

I had forgotten, or suppressed or chosen to ignore that my H can also be funny (and I sure as heck am hilarious).

In time, I calmed down a bit. He did not "MAKE me nuts" b/c I silenced myself. Step one was doing it internally.

At times all I could do was be neutral about h. At times I was not quite able to make it into a "positive"--but I did stop the negative thinking.

I used the old STOP SIGN that I had to use when I wondered about possible OWs...I had to Stop and redirect the stinking thinking. Melissa, so do you.

It helped me at least stop the negative spiraling...and in time, like >2 days together, I felt a bit more attracted to him, I semi laughed at his jokes a few times, made some jokes too, and he became visibly more relaxed around me.

Honestly, this was a pivotal moment for me although I didn't know it completely at the time. I just realized that something had shifted within me, that a glimmer of something foreign to me had been conceived. I think I had glimpsed what forgiveness might look like.

Anyhow, I was able to act happy for the girls, and then, I WAS HAPPIER...

So, please consider this. And please, please see two TED talks. One is by Shawn Achor on positive psychology and the other is Amy Cuddy on taking a "fake it til you make it" and changing it into a "Fake it til you become it!" She has some fascinating science backing her up.

In Achor's video (it's only 20 min), he discusses how we can MAKE ourselves happier by changing our thought patterns. Not that complex, yet very effective. Very empowering.

And It can't hurt...

((((( )))))

25. I learned a lot from that post. If I cojld practice even some of it, it would be very helpful to me. ((((((M))))) looking outside of your and mine what's here makes slot of sense. It appears as though our M are over...but life keeps going. What 25 outlines here is a roadmap to smooth ing out the path and moving forward without becoming bitter or becoming a "victim" of what just happened in our lives. I made a conscious choice there on thst last sentence. I might have said what just "happened to us" before.
25, after some growth, I am able to see that I reacted to your first contribution to my thread in a very defensive manner. I didn't want to look in the mirror. I am sorry for my reaction then but I am grateful that you take the time you have taken to share what you gained on your journey. Back to you M. Just keep swimming.