But can you see the difference with these few examples?
Yes this is very clear, and indeed what I meant. Pressure from consequences, not from me pursuing. "Aggressive" does have negative connotations and isn't the appropriate word here.
As it is now, there have been few consequences for A.
She hasn't the means to leave or anywhere to go, and every legal right to stay, so I don't know that it would serve any purpose to ask her to go.
She is upset that I won't give her access to money, except a budgeted amount on her credit card each month. That's one I clearly told her I won't work with her on until she is committed to work on M. (and very carefully even then.)
She's always overspent, I've just put her on a budget and stopped rescuing her. I've told her I won't ruin my credit rating and I will make sure I keep the house paid for and warm and the kids in food and clothes. There will be consequences when she hits her credit limit next month. I will not rescue her.
I had considered cutting what I pay on her credit card down to what it take to cover grocery/kid expenses, but that would would be controlling and punitive. Also, I do want her to succeed at her job for many reasons including income, so the job startup costs are in my best interest. It's just paying for the Brazilian that's infuriating.
About the marital bedroom... I would never make the mistake of leaving. It seems like a natural consequence of A is that you forfeit that bed. She would have to explain/lie to kids why she wasn't in our room, or worse, she would start bunking with the kids under God knows what premise.
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I suggest you think more about putting clear boundaries in place.
Agreed - I have to understand boundaries/consequences better. I think I know my limits, it's just structuring things effectively - can anyone suggest any good reading?
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Do you have goals set for yourself?
I do need more refined short term goals, I'll admit.
One is to get out of the house more GALing, being less "always available" and a little more intriguing.
Been focused on expanding 180s based mainly around complaints she yelled at me on BD: - staying off my computer when kids are around - doing more things with kids - cooking with them, playing games with them, taking them skiing, being the homework master. - spending a lot of time with D12 being cry-on-my-shoulder daddy as she goes through all the issues that come at that age.
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What are you doing to GAL?
- got a ski membership and go when I want to - take kids when they'll come - work out daily - I'm back to wedding weight but much more fit - getting new friends that aren't her friends or our friends but my friends. - joined a wine society and go out to dinner once a week - great group - joined a French conversation group because I miss not using my other language regularly.
When I stick to LRT, work on GAL stuff and kids, and don't look at WAW as W, I do alright, it's been easy to stay detached and keep PMA. My problem lately is that I think that I am just enabling A even more.
