I have been divorced for 5.5 years. My ex still doesn't think he did anything wrong in regards to the affair, his leaving, the divorce and then marrying his affair partner. He doesn't think the kids pain is real, just something I must be feeding them. As if they can't have their own thoughts and feelings at this point.
I don't know if he will ever face the reality of what he has done. Regardless, my focus has been the kids and getting us through this. We slip once in a while but I think we are doing pretty well. I remember reading that when kids stop being so careful and good, they are on their way to recovery. That's where mine are, back to being themselves.
I don't get how clueless they really are.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
"This is ridiculous, how did we ever get here". I don't want to interact with her like this anymore.
You actually do not have to. Why do you keep thinking that you are somehow going to talk to her in a manner that she will “get it”. Stop it. State your views and position and then just drop it.
Your XW may never come to the realization of the amount of destructions that was done. Can you blame her? I mean think about it…..she would need to own all of her choices and the consequences of these choices. Can you see how painful that may be for her. I struggled with this for a while until I realized that on some level, just how much pain it would be for my ex can’t face her choices. To be honest, if I did everything she did I’m not sure I could face it. So I have compassion towards her. I really feel for her. Personally, I believe that deep down inside the exes know. I see some of this in her response to you about finding someone. She wants you to be happy on some level – probably because is help ease her pain. Almost like…I left him for dead but at least he found happiness so maybe I did the right thing. Yes, I am doing a bit of mind reading here and so I may be wrong.
Rock – all you can do is live your life. Find your core, find your happiness and really let her go. Let her live her choices and her life. Interesting story, I received a call the other day, someone wanted some advice. The issue was a father, a father whom for the most part left his daughter. He had his issues and he choose not to deal with them. He has since decided to fix his issues and now, he is trying to “reconcile” with his D. His D does not know him. He has been absent. She unfortunately, went down what I would call the wrong path. So her dad is now trying to reconnect to help her. It is sad…really sad. He is NOW ready and she is not. As I explain to him (and it killed me to say it to another father)….”you are now living the consequences of your choices. There is still hope but it will take time. Don’t give up. Own your chit, when your d reminds you. Allow your actions to speak”, etc. My point to you Rock is that maybe one day your ex will come back, maybe one day she will own her choices – who really knows. Your job though is to be the best Dad, friend, person YOU can be and the rest….ya leave to God.
Reading your post, I can see that you still love her. You always will man. Always on some level. It is okay. The more distance you put between her and YOU the better you will feel.
Now….when are we going to hear more about the latin dancing adventures?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric - I am getting better at just making my case and then stopping the conversation. This one was tough, because there was a few thousand dollars on the line. It is hard to just let that go without making an attempt at changing her mind. In the end, I did just let it go, and she ended up changing her mind. You are right, though, I could have saved myself a lot of headaches by simply stating "The agreement is 50%, that is what I expect" and nothing more.
Do I still love my W? I don't know. I think I am in love with an idea, a fantasy. What I love is not who she really is. It doesn't actually matter, this is a one way trip. Too much damage has been done.
I can understand the motivation behind WHY a person would live in denial about the damage they have caused. I am just amazed that they are actually capable of it. Apparently, the human mind is capable of rationalizing anything.
My dancing is improving. It is nowhere near what it was before I got married. Who knows if it ever will be. a 45 yr old body just doesn't move as well as a 25 yr old one.
I have not gone salsa dancing in 2 weeks. The last time I went, I was a little uncomfortable. The woman were very young (late 20's, early 30's) and the dancing was very sensual. It is hard to describe, but I had this feeling that it was inappropriate for me to be there. I am not interested in dating, and I am trying to live my faith. I don't need that level of temptation.
I did find one of the top Salsa teachers in the area and will start taking private lessons as soon as tax season is over. I just need to find a better venue to dance Salsa in. For now, I will just stick to swing / ballroom dancing when I go out.
On Friday night, I got a babysitter and went to a ballroom social dance. It was a lot of fun. There were probably 150 people there. I met this woman who was a fantastic dancer. She spun like a little top. I recognized her from years ago when we both used to dance at this country bar. At the end of the night, she asked if she could call me the next time she went out dancing and I gave her all my contact information.
She sent me an email yesterday. This weekend, I am taking my 3 kids and D14's friend to an indoor waterpark. D12 has a gymnastics meet there. So, no dancing this weekend. Maybe I will go out with her next weekend. She does a killer 2-step and West coast swing. A night of country dancing would do me good.
I could have saved myself a lot of headaches by simply stating
I found that in my sitch ….short direct to the point and none wavering responses worked best. Every time I tried to be what I would call civil, did not work. Personally, I think in my sitch what my ex wants is just that…direct and none wavering, anything else comes across as doormat type behavior and then the bully in her comes out. If I were you I would try this approach next time. Short, direct, to the point, none wavering, with no emotion.
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Do I still love my W? I don't know. I think I am in love with an idea, a fantasy. What I love is not who she really is. It doesn't actually matter, this is a one way trip. Too much damage has been done.
Hmmm….what I came to finally accept (and I believe it was one of the things that “freed” me from all sorts of pain) is that on some level I will always love my ex. Do I love her now? Not in that way, but I will always cherish the good times that we had. This allowed me to forgive her on many levels. That said, I do not care for who she is today but I don’t have to deal with it. So maybe instead of trying to consider how you feel today towards her – just accept and remember the good times. It may help when you have to deal with her.
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I am just amazed that they are actually capable of it.
You have two D’s I believe….so….I would get used to be amazed. You are going to have to deal with your ex on some level for the next few years so I suspect that she will do/say things that will continue to amaze you.
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She sent me an email yesterday.
Good for you dude!
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I am taking my 3 kids and D14's friend to an indoor waterpark.
Have a great time. I’ve taken my d12 to two of them over the years. Great Wolf Lodge and CocoKeys. Great Wolf was great….I think it is an 80K sq ft indoor water park and they were not kidding about the size of the place – it was huge.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The waterpark was exactly like I expected. D12, D14 and their friends abandoned me and D6. I spent 2 days swimming with D6.
We rented "Hunger games 2: catching fire" in the hotel room. I was the only one who hadn't seen it. It was entertaining. On night 2, we were going to rent frozen, but D6 fell asleep.
D12 finished 3rd overall for her age/level at the gymnastics meet. The weekend cost a small fortune. On the ride home, all 4 girls were sound asleep for the whole 2 hours. As far as family weekend getaways go, I would call it a success.
The woman I met dancing emailed me to tell me that she hurt her foot and is out of commission for a couple of weeks.
A girl from high school facebook messaged me that she is in town (she lives in Arizona) and asked me to dinner sat night. I have a babysitter and am going to a swing dance later in the evening, so I told her I could probably make dinner, if it was early.
A married woman from my church started messaging me about problems in her marriage. I can see how easy it would be to fall into an EA with an unhappily married woman. I told her to work on her marriage and loaned her my "How to act right when your spouse acts wrong" book. It seems like nobody really values marriage anymore.
There are woman I work with, go to church with, workout with, dance with, and I get the impression that a lot of them are just as lonely as I am.
When I was at the waterpark, I watched all the happy families, and the young couples. It was depressing. Why is it so hard to just accept being alone and find joy in it? Why does being single make you feel like a failure? I would really like to be stay completely single for a while without having all these downer emotions.
"It seems like nobody really value marriage anymore"
Today people are all about immediate gratification and not sticking with something thru the hard times. So many people are very selfish and marriage requires a person to put the marriage before their own wishes sometimes.
It's sad because the satisfaction and happiness that come from working thru the hard times and coming out on the other side stronger and just being with someone who knows you maybe better than you know yourself and still loves you more than anything is so wonderful that I can't fully express it.
If a marriage lasts 5 years it is an amazing feat, as no one works things out they seem to get pissed throw a tantrum and file papers.Yeah the divorce business is alive and well. I think it is sad that no one stays together for life anymore.
I seriously hope one day we eventually we re-work this fairy-tale concept of marriage.
