Look my friend, my W left me and went to the therapist to bomb me about how everything I did was "wrong" how I was inmature and not took her of her financially, how she didnt want to have kids because I didnt made enough money.... She always told me she didnt want kids but suddenly she also blamed that on me.....and so on, what in reality she said when she left and now I can see it clearly was: I have beliefs and they dont match with your actual beliefs because of that we fight and unless we change our standards this is not gonna work.... She didnt say that but that is my reading. When we fight in a R 100% of the time we fight about what we believe about that particular matter...and we try to probe our belief by argumenting and reasuring our point... I then lost my job, because what I belief about my job didnt match what my boss was looking for.... I tought the reataurant should always be kept clean, people should have tasks and be holded accountable if they didnt accomplished them...he didnt agreed with that so I quit... Well everything in life its the same... We have beliefs and standards and we defend them with our lifes.
Now to your sitch, she believes you have to act in a way and if you dont.... Then you are not valid...so you want to be with her and then you adapt those beliefs by saying I am sorry.... Its not that your standards are not valid, they are just not credible and ahe sees that.... You are a puppet who changes depending on her beliefs just because you dont want her to leave or get upset.... Basically now you are living your life under her standards, and thats walking over egg shells , a little slip and she is done.... If you dont work on yourself you cant rebuild standards... When my W told me I was inmature and all those accusations this is what I went trhue: I doubt it my capacity to think, I called my friends out of control and ask them if I was clinycally crazy, do I need a phsyquiatra? Am I crazy? Nop you are fine... Then whats going on with me? Nobody could tell me.... But guys I am a waiter and I make like 40k a year... Well Ye21 you choosed that because you wanna to go to college and study nursing and you said the hours were perfect for you.... Oh its true, thank you guys.... I kept thinking and judging myself, one night I was downstairs smoking a cigarette and a word crossed my mind....that week I was back to feel like when she left.... Then that word crossed my mind and told me...accept how you are and realize that its necessary that you are like this, years ago you were different and there is no wrong or right in being just the way you are.... That word changed my life because my beliefs dissapeared for minutes and goodbye standards, now I know to accept everything it will take time and thats what I work on everyday, everytime there is a problem I think: ok this is the problem I accept its giving me anxiety, let me ccept the problem and wait for the solution...think about how you accept this problem....and I end accepting the problem and finding a solution...nothing else.. What I do it might not make everybody happy, but is it gonna make me happy? If it is then I follow my instinct, if not I dont choose that solution, also I look at the consequences....
One example, 2 months ago my W left and she cancelled the conedisson account so I had to open a new one, coned asked me then for $190 deposit to open a new one, at that time I "believed" that it was unfair and went into a rage with coned...did they waived the deposit? Nop kept calling them and same thing... Then I started to accept, and called coned 2 days ago to pay the bill and the deposit of $190, I asked the guy, why I have to pay $190 deposit? Oh sir because you didnt provided a social s number, oh my friend I can give you my number hold on.... He waived the deposit,.... Did coned changed rules? No, was this guy special? No did I change? Yes how did I changed? I accepted.... This is the same for you, if you keep doing things the same way and always follow her standards nothing its going to change... If you accept her the way she is and accept yourself and believe that what you want its valid even if she doesnt like it, then and only then things might take a different direction...
You choose to go for a run and she text you...dude why you go for a run if I need you to watch the kids? Inside of you, you belief on your choice and support yourself in going for a run.... She will have to accept it yes or yes... If you dont believe in yourself and you text her back. Oh sorry b home soon xoxo bro....she just got your balls right there...that its gonna end bad, and she is gonna blame you for going for a run always... Do you get the message? You didnt accomodate to her standards and because you didnt trully believed in your new standard of running its necessary for my well being..she can come back to you and fight you like crazy....if you believe in your standard when you come back if she starts screaming, you move on with a smile and go to the shower like if that hurricane didnt even exists So remember you have to get out of that circle before its too late.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Thanks for taking the time to write all that. My W and I don't agree on everything but since the D filing I have tried to be non confrontational. I know my W's biggest problem with me is how I used to always be in her space ...needy, clingy, controlling ..unhealthy behavior patterns I am working my butt off to shed. So to the issue at hand, last night when I called regardless of my good intentions, she immediately looked at is as me needing to know where she was ..being controlling...she's lived with it for so many years that she can't see anything differently.
Your statement to ...accept how you are and realize that its necessary that you are like this, years ago you were different and there is no wrong or right in being just the way you are....�
I dont think you have to accept how you are and realize being that way is necessary ...because I don't ACCEPT how I am right now...i do have unhealthy controlling behaviors that i got to let go of ...i need to GAL and be independent ..not focus my life on my W and kids ...where they are at, what they are doing, etc.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Ye21...just read your other post ...I have been doing things to GAL but still making myself available. W said she wanted to do happy hour today and asked if I would get the kids from school. I said sure. W said she's going to some going away party tomorrow night and asked if she should get a sitter ...i said I'll hang out with them ...maybe I should tell W to get a sitter and I'll go to a movie?
In your post you say by "deciding to GAL we are showing ourselves not available to their choice, and that made us valuable, valuable to ourselves." I'm still making myself available ...I'll have to quit that ...definitely has been making W's life easy.
Your next quote "No Spouse its going to reconcile in a healthy way if they haven't miss you or suffered a withdrawal and worked on themselves..." Tough for W to miss me or suffer a withdrawal when we still live together and I do the same stuff like making W coffee in the morning, packing her and the kids lunches, dropping the kids off at school or picking them up, taking kids to dr appointments, etc etc. If anyone has ideas for someone in my sitch on how to get W to miss me or suffer withdrawl, please let me know.
And your last quote "You need to step out of her circle and just do your life, you start doing things by yourself, yesterday you could it be in the movies, playing video games with a friend, running around town, cycling or whatever.... Dont be so "available" because it means unattractive.." I can see being available as unattractive in light of D filing ...i did find my W being "available" attractive when things were good between us. I do need to step out of her circle...might be tough to do when we are both home and have to get stuff done ...but when she's getting ready to go out, is out and then comes home ...i need to not be there ..nor care what she is up to.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
When things are good we dont see what is not working....because things are just working... She ask you to stay with the kids because she can clearly see that the H that she felt in love with has dissapeared, now the H is always available... He has no life and its always there....
would get the kids from school. I said sure. W said she's going to some going away party tomorrow night and asked if she should get a sitter ...i said I'll hang out with them ...maybe I should tell W to get a sitter and I'll go to a movie?
Yes, where is the problem on you going to a movie? Or catching up with old friends? Or going to the gym? Can you see the pattern? You have no life...your life is "put here the name of your W" so she is living your life....
I'm still making myself available ...I'll have to quit that ...definitely has been making W's life easy.
This is not about to making her life easy or hard...its about bringing back yourself...before you meet your W...did you do things for yourself? Did you had friends? Why cant you do that now? If you dont start doing that she will dissapear from your life.... Your life now its not very attractive for her... If she decides to stay with you...what can you offer her?? Where is the adventure she can have by going back with you the way she sees you now? She see a guy that doesnt do nothing...the most boring guy and meanwhile she watches tv and sees the commercial of Dos Xx and " the most interesting guy in the world" wow thats the guy I want... I am not telling you to climb the everest but to generate an interesting life dude, a life you enjoy because waking up its amazing... Waking up means I am going to cook myself that cool food I saw on tv and my kids will talk about it: mom dad cooked this chinesse pasta with shishito pepers that he got in chinatown and he also learned to say ni hao ma....that generates interest dude but you do that for yourself not expecting her to notice that change..
If anyone has ideas for someone in my sitch on how to get W to miss me or suffer withdrawl, please let me know.
I have been telling you....she will miss you or not only if you GAL, once she sees that you can have a happy and productive life without her, exercising, fixing the garden...going to the movies...making yourself love yourself....she knows now what you are doing every minute without having to ask you.... Where its the interest on that?
Why would I watch a movie if I already know the end??
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
ether and I do the same stuff like making W coffee in the morning, packing her and the kids lunches, dropping the kids off at school or picking them up, taking kids to dr appointments, etc etc.
Stop preparing her coffee, cooking for her, is she handicap? If she is not that means she is totally capable of cook for herself, clean her mess, take care of kids, and do whatever she needs to do to stay alive...
Its time for her to take care of herself and for you to stop doing all that, cook for your kids and do things for your kids and let her choose her lunch and her life and if she doesnt and stops eating, drinking water, taking showers or cleaning her mess...thats her choice not yours...so stop choosing for her
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I know that you are still in the same house, but I think that it would be beneficial if you set up a schedule for who is responsible for the kids on what time if you have not done so already. The schedule can remain flexible. It also eliminates the last minute texts asking for you to watch the kids.
For example, my H has the kids Wed/Friday nights. It allows me to book things in advance. On Wed nights I go to IC and then to gym/yoga. I can make plans with friends on Friday nights and/or run errands. Next week my H had a conflict, so we switched Friday/Saturday night in advance. His conflict actually fell through, but we kept the switch since I made plans in the meantime. Although we are flexible, there are no last minute texts asking to cover the kids because a happy hour came up, etc.
This allows you to GAL. It also eliminates the last minute texts asking for you to watch the kids. It will also help you feel like you have a little more control over the sitch instead of waiting to see what your W is going to do/plan.
I didn't see your last post till now. My IC said i should continue with coffee in the morning and lunches, etc. He said if my goal is to reconcile you should continue with that and if not tell her to do it herself. Should i just do my laundry and not hers for eg. When she does laundry she still does mine. When she cooks dinner she still cooks mine ...anyone else feel free to chime in Thanks.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I didn't see your last post till now. My IC said i should continue with coffee in the morning and lunches, etc. He said if my goal is to reconcile you should continue with that and if not tell her to do it herself. Should i just do my laundry and not hers for eg. When she does laundry she still does mine. When she cooks dinner she still cooks mine ...anyone else feel free to chime in Thanks.
I am not sure if this is in line with DBing, but I would probably follow her lead on this one. If she does your laundry, then I would do hers. If you are making dinner for the family, then I would not tell her that she cant eat it. If you made dinner and ate with the kids at 6 and then your W demanded that you cook for her at 8, then I would say no because she is equally capable.
Do you make coffee just for her or do you also have some? If you would still make coffee every morning regardless of whether your W drinks it, I would still do it. I think that your main goal should to continue on with your life and what you want. If you are making coffee, or doing laundry or making dinner anyway, then I dont see a problem offering it to your W. If you are just going it for her, then I think that you need to ask yourself why?
