I think if one day his children ask, "Dad, why did you fight Mom like that?" he can answer, with his head held high, that he did it for them.
Is the W a terrorist who is holding the kids as hostages in a basement That nobody knows where it is? Nop, why the fighting? Has that fighting helped him in anyway? Nop, have things improved since he started posting? Nop
Human beings always go for the known and the hardest part its to go for the unknown. I yes say accept and I believe in that, accept doesnt mean take everything I had never said that, it means to take a different approach since the way we did things before it didnt work... When in all my responses did I told him to be a doormat? I dont think I ever did I am giving him the advice of not acting out of fear, and not fighting but approach all this in a different way, because obviously he would not be here if he did things in a different way first place...
He is not doing things to protect himself but to prove her "wrong" There are ways to protect yourself in this situation, and its your choice to do that or call your W crazy and attack her... As I always say, when things get to this point you have to set boundaries, and find a way that will work better than just "fighting" for the kids....
He has responsabilites with his kids, keep going with those ones, keep paying and keep providing for them, all the other material things could be replaced, the thing is that you are in a defensive-offensive mood and your W too, either you calm things down or this battle could be an awful one hey but guess what , at the end you can say you were "right"
I am here to respond to this post and help him see a different approach, I am not here to recomend him to filled for D, Melissa and Paul, you guys filled for D and for what I see in your posts you guys seem very happy about it, this is a forum to save your M not to advice a person to fill for D and go into war...
I am sure there are many "I hate my ex" how to f your ex and make him/her misserable when you decided to D them" forums out there...
My advice here will always be directed to improve the person/point towards Reconciliation....
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I would like to address you posts from the perspective as a child of divorce (twice...who's counting!).
one day one of your kids might approach you and say:
Dad why you fought mom like that? Why you changed locks and treat her like that? Why you did that to yourself if months earlier you loved her? Why you did that instead of just accepting her the way she was? Why were you so obsessed in being "right"? Dont you see that no matter what, we carry your blood and we will always love you even if we weren't with you? Nobody could replace our biological father...
Honestly, I've NEVER once asked either of my parents who filed first and who fought the hardest. That never ever crossed my mind at all. In my world view as a child, the following things were uppermost in my mind:
1) Both of my parents LOVE me 2) Both of my parents get along in co-parenting 3) Still being able to see & visit w/both my mother and father 4) Still being able to visit and play with my sisters 5) Having roof over my head, clothes, have food on the table 6) NUMBER ONE: No badmouthing from one parent to me about the other. And to their credit, none of them did.
The filing, custody arrangements, etc is STRICTLY for the adults to figure out between them. Be sure that those issues don't bleed into the children's space.
or what I see in your posts you guys seem very happy about it, this is a forum to save your M not to advice a person to fill for D and go into war...
You seem to imply that they're in the wrong for filing D which is insane to begin with! They would MUCH rather save their M. Filing for D is something that all of DBers need to do in order to protect their families and finances. Nobody is happy to file for D. Who is??!!!
My advice here will always be directed to improve the person/point towards Reconciliation....
I realize that you did not post this to me, although I would like to chime in.....
Originally Posted By: ye21
I am here to respond to this post and help him see a different approach, I am not here to recomend him to filled for D, Melissa and Paul, you guys filled for D and for what I see in your posts you guys seem very happy about it, this is a forum to save your M not to advice a person to fill for D and go into war...
I am sure there are many "I hate my ex" how to f your ex and make him/her misserable when you decided to D them" forums out there...
My advice here will always be directed to improve the person/point towards Reconciliation....
Ye, if you read back through ole Scorp's threads a bit, I think that you will see a consistent pattern of me telling him that there is a big difference between filing for a Divorce, and filing for custodial rights of his children.
It is, and has never been my duty to tell someone to either stay married, file for Divorce, or move a Divorce forward in any kind of way. I do not believe in Divorce and I never will.
What I have been telling Scorp, is to check into the possibility of filing for protective custody and leaving the rest of the legalities of his Marriage.... for another time.
And IF he would do just that, then it answers BOTH of your below statements....
Originally Posted By: ye21
I think if one day his children ask, "Dad, why did you fight Mom like that?" he can answer, with his head held high, that he did it for them.
I didn't fight your Mother, I fought for you....
There is a separation between the two, and very big difference between the two....
It is also the balance, or middle ground that I spoke of above....
there you are, I completelly agree with you into that Mach1 I also see that as a way to go and release tension from this situation....
Thats a great advice you are giving him right there
And the first paragraph wasnt directed to you.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
And what DB teaches you is not just to save your marriage, but how to make sure you you do reconcile, that it's not just for a second. To get to this point, this must change. You don't just " win your spouse back". Those who just win their spouses back end up right back here with multiple bomb drops.
I agree with the last part, again for that to happens both needs to work in improving their own love for themselves.
He is fighting FOR his children, not against his wife.
I dont agree with that, he is fighting his wife for his children, as you can see in his posts...
Not filing D does not improve anyone's chance of reconcilliation. Actually the filling of d has IMPROVED the chances of reconcilliation in many instances.
For some people did it for others no, its a choice and you can choose, the only chance to improve a R is first to learn to love ourselves and not judge others, D its a simple piece of paper, love for yourself or others its a little more than a paper...
Honestly, I've NEVER once asked either of my parents who filed first and who fought the hardest. That never ever crossed my mind at all. In my world view as a child, the following things were uppermost in my mind:
As always its a way of talking I have no idea what the kids will ask but if it was my case, I will do arrangements for my kids to benefit of the options I could provide them...however I will not fight my W to made her understand why I choose those arrangements. At the end of the day I will be doing things for the benefit of my kids....spend time with them, provide them economically and so on, to do those things I dont need my W acceptance or input at all, so I dont have to ask her about those matters....I will dialogue with her once I want to choose schools, and practical things.... If we ask his W hey can you hold calm conversations about your kids with your H? Will she say yes or no?
You seem to imply that they're in the wrong for filing D which is insane to begin with! They would MUCH rather save their M. Filing for D is something that all of DBers need to do in order to protect their families and finances. Nobody is happy to file for D. Who is??!!!
I am not "impliying" nothing, I have no idea if they are happy about that or not...thats for them to say... Who said that DBers need to fill for D? In which chapter of the book you saw that? Are you again seing DB as a "method" to bring them back or the reality of DB is a way to bring the love for yourself back and as a consequence sometimes spouses come back?
It takes two to tango.... Chapter 4-- it takes one to tango
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Just for the record and as a reminder for the lost ones of how DB works:
- How to leave the past behind and set attainable goals - Strategies for identifying problem-solving behavior that works--and how to make changes last - “Uncommon-sense” methods for breaking unproductive patterns
Inspirational and accessible, Divorce Busting shows readers in pain that working it out is better than getting out.
CLICK HERE to read the first chapter
Table of Contents:
Introduction: Love the One You’re With
PART ONE
Chapter 1 – Divorce Is Not the Answer Chapter 2 – Illusions Leading to Dis-solutions Chapter 3 – What Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy Is and How It Can Help You – Fast
PART TWO
Chapter 4 – It Takes One to Tango: Change Your Marriage by Changing Yourself Chapter 5 – Making a Habit of It: Identifying Patterns That Work Chapter 6 – Breaking the Habit: Interrupting Destructive Patterns Chapter 7 – Make Yourself Happy for a Change
PART THREE
Chapter 8 – Keeping the Changes Going Chapter 9 – Is Working on My Marriage Working? Chapter 10 – Parting Words
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
You seem to think that the DR book is THE ANSWER to every problem in the M. Or some magic potion. Dead wrong! The DR book is only a GUIDE with suggestions, solutions, and soap suds to save your M. (yep, I added soap suds just for fun )
There are FAR TOO MANY variables that influence the DBing process. One can be a DB Master and yet the WAS is still far too gone or ins't interested in reconciliation at all. That is why I emphasize that it takes two to tango. The chapter 4 is absolutely worthless if the OTHER PARTNER won't or doesn't want to tango. Hence, you can only CONTROL yourself.
You cannot force the WAS to stay married to you if they DO NOT want to....whatcha gonna do about this? On the other side of the coin, the LBS eventually discovers that they don't want to stay married to the WAS either because they are too broken beyond repair.
I am here to respond to this post and help him see a different approach, I am not here to recomend him to filled for D, Melissa and Paul, you guys filled for D and for what I see in your posts you guys seem very happy about it, this is a forum to save your M not to advice a person to fill for D and go into war...
I know that I dont need to defend Melissa or Paul, and I am sure they will be along shortly, but you are COMPLETELY off base and actually factually incorrect! Based upon this comment, it is clear that you did not read a word of their posts. Neither Melissa or Paul are happy about their current situations. If you actually read Melissa's thread, you would know that she did not file for D. I have read their threads from start to finish and they have fought for their M and followed the DBing principles. If you are going to mention people by name and claim that they are happy about their sitch, I suggest that you actually read their threads and get the information straight before repeating it.
Ok... If you guys want to talk about this matters lets do it in another thread, this is a thread from a member and we are bombing and disrespecting his sitch by posting this arguments here....from my part I will stick to this thread only to respond to his sitch from now on, nothing else
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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