When to Give Up?

[ye21]

Its hard, but its so cool I love the way I am seeing things now, and you will reach that point....its a workout plan....every day you accept its like lifting weights...the more you accept the better shape youll get
You are doing fine and everything will be fine...

[Upwards]

When I look back at the past few weeks I can see just how far i've come, at times it really doesnt feel like it but looking back now I know I have. I realise what is needed now for me to move forwards, I need to get myself into a good place and find out who I am and what I want from life, I need to build myself up and make a life for myself and my kids away from my husband and let him go on the journey that he needs to go on - if later down the line things change then I will deal with that then but right now I know I need to just get on with it and deal with whats happening at the moment. I know i'll have good/bad days but I have more clarity on the situation.

I've had my first IC session today and it was good, helped me get things straight and make sense of a few things - I think i've more or less accepted now that i'll never understand why he's made these decisions and choices so I need to try to put that out of my mind and just move forwards.

We've set up a meet up on Monday evening to talk (as we havent properly talked since this all happened) and both be completely honest about where we're at and how we ended up here, also to share what we want in our futures too. We also need to sort out some paperwork/finances and to talk about if we're going ahead with divorce, at the moment he thinks thats my intention but i've decided to delay for a little while until things are clearer in my head.

[paul19510]

sounds like a good day. good luck with things. keep posting and growing. it really helps.

[3boymom]

Upwards - Your sitch sounds so similar to mine (your kids, OW, DUI). Even eight months out, I am still struggling with trying to figure out how to interact with my H. It is really hard to establish a healthy boundary with your H when you are forced to deal with him on a regular basis due to kids/finances. So I am right there with you!

Over the past few months, I have realized that my H will pursue if I back off. My H has straight up told me that he is afraid that I am moving on. Although he wants the S, he is the one the initiates emails/texts/calls. When I explained this to my IC, she used this analogy: After BD, my H put me off to the side on a shelf (like a little doll). Any time that he sees me jumping off the shelf, he gets worried, contacts me and tries to get me back up on the shelf. He does not want me all the time, but he wants to know that I am sitting on the shelf waiting for him in the event that he tries to come back.

I think that your last post is right on! You just need to focus on yourself and the kids. Let him call/text/email and just respond to kids/financial stuff. I usually limit my communications to just email/text.

There were times when I just wanted to throw in the towel and file for D. I have come to realize that filing for D will not stop the pain. I will still need to engage with my H often due to the kids. Your H is clearly in crisis (OW/Rehab). Just give him some time and space. Also, take this time to work on yourself. No matter the outcome of your M, you will come out on top! And your kiddos need a strong mommy

[Upwards]

Upwards - Your sitch sounds so similar to mine (your kids, OW, DUI). Even eight months out, I am still struggling with trying to figure out how to interact with my H. It is really hard to establish a healthy boundary with your H when you are forced to deal with him on a regular basis due to kids/finances. So I am right there with you!

Over the past few months, I have realized that my H will pursue if I back off. My H has straight up told me that he is afraid that I am moving on. Although he wants the S, he is the one the initiates emails/texts/calls. When I explained this to my IC, she used this analogy: After BD, my H put me off to the side on a shelf (like a little doll). Any time that he sees me jumping off the shelf, he gets worried, contacts me and tries to get me back up on the shelf. He does not want me all the time, but he wants to know that I am sitting on the shelf waiting for him in the event that he tries to come back.

I think that your last post is right on! You just need to focus on yourself and the kids. Let him call/text/email and just respond to kids/financial stuff. I usually limit my communications to just email/text.

There were times when I just wanted to throw in the towel and file for D. I have come to realize that filing for D will not stop the pain. I will still need to engage with my H often due to the kids. Your H is clearly in crisis (OW/Rehab). Just give him some time and space. Also, take this time to work on yourself. No matter the outcome of your M, you will come out on top! And your kiddos need a strong mommy

Yes it does sound very similar - I'm sorry your in the situation you are, its not good.

Yep he's certainly in crisis and I know that the only way through this is to allow him to get on with his crisis and get on with my life - hurts like hell seeing him destroying so much but its not my responsibility and he has to deal with it himself.

I've suggested D to him a couple of weeks ago and then last week said that if he wants to be free and wants to walk away then I care enough for him to let him have what he wants to enable him to find happiness, he confessed last night that he isnt sure that's what he wants... he's always said that we cant be together "right now" and that he cant commit "at the moment" so I have a feeling he wants to keep me on that shelf until he's ready and I dont want to be that person, I dont want to sit and wait until he's ready but the only way I can see to show him that I refuse to wait is to file for D which ultimately isnt what I want!

How have you handled him thinking your "on the shelf" and ready for him?

[Upwards]

QUESTION...

My H is very keen to spend time with me & the children as a family, he keeps inviting me along to the swimming baths with them, asking about doing things as a family together etc... Is he just "cake-eating" and wanting the best of all worlds or do I agree & take the fact that he wants me around as a good thing?

I was thinking that saying no and letting him live with his decision was the best course of action for the moment but after reading a lot of threads now I'm unsure?

Any advice welcome!

[MrBond]

Forget about cake eating.

What YOU decide to do during the time that you are together is up to you. You can either use the time to re-build connections with him, or you just drop the kids off and do your own thing.

[Upwards]

Forget about cake eating.

What YOU decide to do during the time that you are together is up to you. You can either use the time to re-build connections with him, or you just drop the kids off and do your own thing.

I'd love to spend time & connect but also feel like a mug cos I know afterwards he'll walk out to his "freedom" and I'm left here, if that makes sense. I suppose it's about finding a balance isn't it?

[JJAC2005]

Exactly....its all about finding your own balance again!

I finally got this the other day reading a few other comments by the ever insightful "MrBond"

-really think of his ending signature-

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life

[Upwards]

He's just called round & we sat and talked for ages - he's been very honest & said he's really feeling it now and is struggling, he said his respect for me is coming back and that his resentments are less than they we're but he's carrying so much guilt from what he's put me through (and the kids) and thinks that's playing a big part in it. He said he's not fit to be in a relationship and that although he misses his family very much he doesn't feel able to commit to us right now.

I'm just glad he's being open, past few weeks he's really opened up and wanted to talk about everything instead of blocking it out & shutting down.

I miss him a lot, but I've let him go because I know I have to, if he comes back then at least that's because he WANTS to and if not then I hope he'll be happy.