Look my friend, my W left me and went to the therapist to bomb me about how everything I did was "wrong" how I was inmature and not took her of her financially, how she didnt want to have kids because I didnt made enough money.... She always told me she didnt want kids but suddenly she also blamed that on me.....and so on, what in reality she said when she left and now I can see it clearly was: I have beliefs and they dont match with your actual beliefs because of that we fight and unless we change our standards this is not gonna work.... She didnt say that but that is my reading. When we fight in a R 100% of the time we fight about what we believe about that particular matter...and we try to probe our belief by argumenting and reasuring our point... I then lost my job, because what I belief about my job didnt match what my boss was looking for.... I tought the reataurant should always be kept clean, people should have tasks and be holded accountable if they didnt accomplished them...he didnt agreed with that so I quit... Well everything in life its the same... We have beliefs and standards and we defend them with our lifes.
Now to your sitch, she believes you have to act in a way and if you dont.... Then you are not valid...so you want to be with her and then you adapt those beliefs by saying I am sorry.... Its not that your standards are not valid, they are just not credible and ahe sees that.... You are a puppet who changes depending on her beliefs just because you dont want her to leave or get upset.... Basically now you are living your life under her standards, and thats walking over egg shells , a little slip and she is done.... If you dont work on yourself you cant rebuild standards... When my W told me I was inmature and all those accusations this is what I went trhue: I doubt it my capacity to think, I called my friends out of control and ask them if I was clinycally crazy, do I need a phsyquiatra? Am I crazy? Nop you are fine... Then whats going on with me? Nobody could tell me.... But guys I am a waiter and I make like 40k a year... Well Ye21 you choosed that because you wanna to go to college and study nursing and you said the hours were perfect for you.... Oh its true, thank you guys.... I kept thinking and judging myself, one night I was downstairs smoking a cigarette and a word crossed my mind....that week I was back to feel like when she left.... Then that word crossed my mind and told me...accept how you are and realize that its necessary that you are like this, years ago you were different and there is no wrong or right in being just the way you are.... That word changed my life because my beliefs dissapeared for minutes and goodbye standards, now I know to accept everything it will take time and thats what I work on everyday, everytime there is a problem I think: ok this is the problem I accept its giving me anxiety, let me ccept the problem and wait for the solution...think about how you accept this problem....and I end accepting the problem and finding a solution...nothing else.. What I do it might not make everybody happy, but is it gonna make me happy? If it is then I follow my instinct, if not I dont choose that solution, also I look at the consequences....
One example, 2 months ago my W left and she cancelled the conedisson account so I had to open a new one, coned asked me then for $190 deposit to open a new one, at that time I "believed" that it was unfair and went into a rage with coned...did they waived the deposit? Nop kept calling them and same thing... Then I started to accept, and called coned 2 days ago to pay the bill and the deposit of $190, I asked the guy, why I have to pay $190 deposit? Oh sir because you didnt provided a social s number, oh my friend I can give you my number hold on.... He waived the deposit,.... Did coned changed rules? No, was this guy special? No did I change? Yes how did I changed? I accepted.... This is the same for you, if you keep doing things the same way and always follow her standards nothing its going to change... If you accept her the way she is and accept yourself and believe that what you want its valid even if she doesnt like it, then and only then things might take a different direction...
You choose to go for a run and she text you...dude why you go for a run if I need you to watch the kids? Inside of you, you belief on your choice and support yourself in going for a run.... She will have to accept it yes or yes... If you dont believe in yourself and you text her back. Oh sorry b home soon xoxo bro....she just got your balls right there...that its gonna end bad, and she is gonna blame you for going for a run always... Do you get the message? You didnt accomodate to her standards and because you didnt trully believed in your new standard of running its necessary for my well being..she can come back to you and fight you like crazy....if you believe in your standard when you come back if she starts screaming, you move on with a smile and go to the shower like if that hurricane didnt even exists So remember you have to get out of that circle before its too late.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
