It is impossible to know for sure how things will turn out. You do not know RIGHT now, what kind or co parenting R you will have with your H's. You really do not. You also do not KNOW for sure how the kids will deal with it - now, next year, Pre teen years, teenage years, etc.
Personally, I really like the notion of a flexable parenting plan, with a default schedule should you both not agree. For example: In my divorce we agreed to a "fexiable and liberal parenting plan with both parents spending approximately equal time with the children". Should both parties not agree, then the defualt schedule is Wed, Thurs and every other Friday, Sat and Sun. It is a pure 50/50 split and the default schedule gave both me and my ex weekends to ourselves.
Although my agreement states "flexiable and liberal" ...we usueally follow the default. I have almost no interaction with my ex (which I like), so following the default made the most sense for the kids. At first it was weird for the kids, but they did get used to it and now it is secound nature to them. They know Mon and Tues are moms, Wed and Thurs and dads and every other weekend they switch.
In terms of acting like the brady bunch - ain't happening. Nope. I choose not to live a lie to myself or to the kids. Bottom line, I can be civil to thier mother but really I have no desire to be her "friend". She is the mother of my kids and I respect that about her. I respect the M that was and the person that I was married to. Who she is today is someone that I would not say is a bad person; although her choices were not the greatest, but she is not the type of person that I would want to hang out with. So why should i be fake in front of the kids. In the end, I am respectful towards her and civil. Maybe it changes in the future - I dunno but I do know this....that I control what and what I do not allow in my life. I cannot blame her for that.
Sorry for the rant...my point, is taht you do not have to decide everything NOW. You can choose not to be buddy buddy with your X today and then change it later. Do not get hung up on trying to figure out your entire life. Life does not work that way...it flows..
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I agree 3 Boyz. It sounds like you have had many positive communications with your h. That is good. However, it can cause expectations. Expectations=bad. Sometimes, it seems (gasp!) almost easier when they act like an a$$. I do have to chuckle at the comment by your h about having dinners if/when he remarries. Maybe you get there one day-who knows? But it seems premature to even mention something as uncomfortable as that. Yikes!
I had an interesting question from my S4 last night. He said, "Mommy, is daddy your best friend?" I had to really think about that because h was my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. This version of h is not someone I would be friends with, but I kept it simple with my 4 year old.
Hang in there:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
You've had some good advice. Your H has been rebellious with boundaries and often a cake eater. Maybe this would be a good time to really sit down with yourself and reevaluate your sitch. Where you've been, where you are, and where you want to go in the near future concerning the kids busier schedules.
This may help you to reestablish boundaries and find that strength again. It might help to review your posts over the last months and see your growth. There were times when you were tough as nails with your DB.
I recently reviewed my posts and was blown away at the rollercoaster of emotions I have had. I know I feel that way often, but to read it was an eye opener. (Causing me to do a lot of reflecting and thinking)
I don't know why he would have used the word "frail" but maybe that's your sign to make choices for you and stop worrying about what he thinks. You can still DB and have a PMA and say 'No' to his boundary pushing.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Great posts above and a lot to ponder....So those posts will be enough to limit my thoughts.
As for the sports....I do have an opinion.Now this is coming from a guy who played competitive sports from 4 to 22 (into division 1 college) and has been coaching youth soccer for 7 years. The boys really don't need practice time outside of team practice just yet....give them a mitt, ball, etc (I just don't recommend a bat....personal experience on that one). Let them develop their love of the sport on their own. Trust me that they will. As a coach....just kicking a ball around the yard is the best thing for them.
Excerpt from conversation last night with 15 year old player:
Me: So you used to play classic and challenge soccer? Mary: Yeah Me: Why did you stop playing Mary: It wasn't fun....There was too much pressure Me: From the coach Mary: Some from the coach....but more from my parents. All we every did was practice all the time. It was all about winning and pushing to get better. It got the point where all it was was practice. Me; Well we have fun here....put I will push you.
After practice;
Mary: Coach......Thank you. That was fun. Me: You are welcome Mary....It was a pleasure to watch you play. Mary; Practices weren't like this before. Me: I believe in you that you have more to give me on the field, that you can improve and become better. The key is to become better for yourself while having fun, not to get better to win. If you get better, you will win....it is just a forgone conclusion.
Think about that conversation 3B....not just for your boys, but also yourself.
3 - you have lots to think about from the above posts. There is much in there that will be helpful to many of us.
Here is another example of how things may work out completely different from what you expect. Oops as my s would say I said a bad word. No expectations.
I am h's w#2. Possibly STB xw#2. Things were awkward at first with w1. Now (As mentioned above) she and I actually help each other out. She even occasionally babysit s for me. She and I spend more tune attending step kid stuff than h does. 2x a year we have a family dinner for the stepkids b days.
I was not an OW. I can't imagine being this evolved if H starts wanting me to be around OW. I guess my point is we don't know what the future holds so we just have to plan for today.
You have a lot of hard stuff to v think about. It will hurt. In some ways it is a good problem. Your kids have a dad that wants to spend time with them.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
As soon as I put the kids to sleep tonight and get in front of a computer I will respond to all the excellent advice!
Today I was lying on the driveway with the sun beating down on my face while my kiddos outlined my body in chalk. I closed my eyes, soaked in the sun and enjoyed the sound of my guys giggling. I am going to be okay
Today was a reminder that this difficult season of my life will be over at some point even if I can't see it at the moment. Even if I am not sure how, I just need to keep soaking in the little moments because they will get me through to brighter days ahead.
I'm glad you are enjoying your boys. Nothing like a nice day to make you smile. I'm still a newbie, but I too want to comment on the friend thing. My h was my best friend and biggest cheerleader. I'm going to be brutally honest. I don't like him right now, much less would I want to be friends with him now. Cordial, yes I can be. This is not someone I would be friends with at this time.But I'm still early:-)
Your h sounds like he is very involved with your kids and that you two have a "friendlier " relationship. I'm positive you will get where you need and want to be:)
Enjoy your day.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I want to chime in on the friend thing too. My wise friend (my buddy's wife) that's been helping me a lot told me that she and her XH are civil and "get along ok" after 10 years. but it took ALOT of time and effort she told me. And they are NOT FRIENDS.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
3, I loved your post. It's the little things in life, right? The warm sun and your kids giggling? What more could someone ask for?
Sigh. I'm not sure that it's possible to be "friends" with someone you were in a R with for a decade or more. I mean, how does that even work? Especially when one person left the other?
My H wanted to be friends with me. I couldn't fathom being friends with someone who treats me the way he has since BD. Now he just wants to crush me. WASs suck.
Sorry, that was depressing. Let's get back to warm sunshine and kiddos giggling!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I will respond more later but just can't to clarify that it is my H that wants to be friends now and even after divorce. I am fully aware that we cannot be friends now due to OW. My hope is that we can at least be civil in the future. I know that will likely depend upon how H handles the OW and potential D and everything that would entail. I am definitely more realistic than H who pictures himself as part of our old family while having a second family.
