It's been a tough week, where I'm wrestled with the conflicting thoughts in my head and am left to deal with more reality. No contact from H and increasing posts on instagram with him 'stalking' a new female friend. And, he has finally changed his fb relationship status to separated. Mine still says married... this is reality.
It didn't work.
The sad thing about it all is that as the stages of my personal growth have developed, my faith grew. And I really believed that I would be rewarded for my faith and when I finally got to that place where I actually liked myself and accepted myself more than probably ever in my life - I thought THAT was the final goal line. And now the rewards would come flooding in. Yes, living with the version of yourself and not minding that is a reward enough, but everyone here hopes for the reward of being loved for who they are from their spouse. For me, when I finally get to that long fought for place, H is pulling away now more than ever.
The reality is also that he has chosen to run, chosen to feel tickled by shallow flattery instead of true emotions. He was not brave or strong enough to even respect me even a little and deal with our marriage he's been avoiding for so long now.
I feel like I'm going to react and be permanently done. I recognize that, especially at this stage with his new female 'friend', that that will probably push him into another ow. My reasons for not wanting to react is because I would like to have our marriage end in a neutral place, without any outside interference. But he's cowardly and lonely, I don't see that happening if I 'wait it out' as I've been trying to do.
I think I felt this coming. And I've been smooth as glass on the outside, pma, outwardly confident and moving on with my life. But it didn't work. It gave him just enough permission to move on with his life too. He tries to text our dds a couple times a week, saw d16 for 5 min last week, and this is the accepted version of what I've allowed to happen in our family. I'm truly glad I've learned what I have and didn't file for divorce right away. I felt better when I had grace in my heart and compassion for his pain. But at the end of the day it didn't work. Right now I'm thinking that I could have lived with the b*tch version of myself if I had filed right away, easier than I could live with the sucker version of myself that allowed my dds and me to be so devalued. I hope that changes and I can make peace with how these past almost 2 years have transpired.
