Thanks everyone for the input. I like the idea of having an email paper trail but h rarely to never checks his email.

S can't shower or do homework independently but he can say "I need to" or "I need help with" so that is something I can work on.

As it turns out h was in an exceptionally civil mood this morning. (I will post about this later because my feelings are very confused) I was able to say "so s didn't do his homework" which doesn't put blame on h and opens the door for future friendly reminders.

Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15