Part 2-H moving out

[Georgiabelle]

BG,

Since we have similar wacky situations I wanted to mention something else to you. I know you mentioned some unknown woman raising your kids. I can see my own h bringing someone over after her final exams and him thinking it's great. Yeesh...


My youngest son still thinks his dad hung the moon. H cuddled with him every morning (that's why he volunteered to drive kids to school-he comes in, scoops him up, and goes to sleep in the am)and every night. I feel terrible for my sweet boy as occassionally he will say, "Mommy, please don't leave me forever like Daddy." Or he will say, "Remember when Daddy used to play with me." It breaks my heart. H has never inquired to me or the kids about their feelings. He can't bear to hear that.

However, my s10 and d9 said something to me the other day that almost made me cry. They said,"Thanks Mommy for always taking such good care of us. We are sorry you have to work so hard. But you've always been the one who did everything." Yuck..teared up writing that. But then they said, "Mommy, it's okay. It's always been the 4 of us. We are really a family of 4."
And I had to smile, because we do have each other. And I couldn't have 3 better kids. I talk with my older kids frequently and I know they love their dad. I know they are hurt by the way he treats them, but they never ask about him. I think they have this way of seeing the situation just as it is (which is completely f&*8ed ^)

You are doing such a great job:)

[Georgiabelle]

**or doesn't care to hear that**

[TL72*]

H is on my insurance too, I can't take him off until I get the divorce papers next month. You have to show some sort of "life event" proof. So until then, I'm charging him for it because it comes out of my paycheck. Every 2 weeks I send an email with the amount owed and he writes me a check. I'm the same way, I was the one that handled the money so it was at least easy to separate out the accounts and now he has to figure out how to do it on his own. good for him. not my problem anymore. I just make sure my stuff is paid on time and that is that. Once the d papers come through I can also refi the house and get his name off of it, we'll see how that goes!! I actually think it will be empowering because I will own it and no one else and it just sort of makes me feel good. I don't look forward to all the paperwork though. As for sleeping, I tend to wake up during the night too - it's weird being alone and sometimes sounds will scare me. I watch the same movies every night in bed because I know what will happen and it puts me to sleep every time. I never get past the sorting hat on Harry Potter hahah. We are learning new strengths with our MLCers I think. Strength I never knew I had, I bet you are learning that too. You have to sort of learn it quickly it seems or I just spent all my time crying. It is less and less now for me anyway. Hang in there GB, good luck with your therapist tomorrow - I still have not made an appt but found a divorce group that meets for 6 weeks, I wonder if that will be helpful. MLC is so different that i'm not sure a regular D group would work for me but I am thinking about giving it a shot. Did you stick with the first therapist you found? I wondered how you know they're the "right" one.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks TL. I interviwed 2 therapists. I liked them both, The therapist I see was the MC my h and I decided was the best fit for us (at that moment. h changed all that later of course:). We saw her twice together where h said he didn't think he wanted the relationship to work-which I find to be odd language (semantics I know). He had noted that he suffers from clinical depression, major anxiety, anger, feelings of worthless, low self esteem, and shame. He also wanted to discuss custody. I saw some irony in that but that's my wacky sense of humor. So, she requested to see him individually 4 times after the first 2 sessions and I saw his anger and agitation rising with each visit. We had an appointment to see her together which he announced (or raged) 2 days before, that he wasn't going back to see her because she made it seem like something was wrong with him and that I had turned her against him. He then screamed that he wanted to see the other counselor and it was my fault that we saw her. Actually, she was next to h's office and the other one was an hour away. H failed to realize any therapist was going to request solo sessions with him due to his mental health concerns. I told him that we all have issues. You can imagine how that went over!
So, since he bailed, she can see me solo. It sort of helps that she met him as he has a tendency to rewrite history. Example, he told me and her that he went off his medication 2 vacations ago to see if he could feel my love. I asked the C if he told her that he drank a case of beer and pulled his pants down in front of his dad and brother and talked with his private part one day. She said he had left that part of the story out. H has a way of leaving out pertinent info. When he mentioned that he had told no one about our m, I asked her if he had mentioned that he was having an EA with a coworker and I saw play by play texts of her telling him what to say to me. (I just never told him I knew as I knew he would deny). Yes, that part too, had been left out of the story. She did agree that h never takes his responsibility in anything-it's always everyone else. She also mentioned that he may have some type of personality disorder. Sigh.

I have difficulty expressing emotions so sometimes I use cards to show how I really feel. I'm working on that, and I love utlizing the session to really get some of what I am thinking and feeling out. I am very open and have this crazy accurate memory, so sometimes I start going and it feels like a bit of rush. A sad, but needed rush. I am extremely intuitive and operate with a high degree of logic (lots of testing in my life), so we try to keep this in mind in sessions.

I'm looking at D support groups as well and need to find something for my kids. I like my C, and I know that working through these issues requires me to be brutally honest. There are folks who go to therapy for 10 years and never get anywhere because they can't bear to be honest. Look for someone who makes you feel comfortable. You may have to try out a few.

I know they say MC is a bad idea with an MLCer/WAS. However, looking back, my h was going to monster on something else and the result would have been the same. Just my 2 cents.

[TL72*]

GB- thanks for the tips - i will just start with one and see how it feels! i don't know why it is a hard step for me.
I did see a group for kids http://www.dc4k.org/ you could see if they have a local meeting, I think you just enter your zip code. I get their daily emails for adults going through it and find it helpful, though not as helpful as this place. your story about your h was funny but i know its not for you

[Georgiabelle]

Ah therapy! Thanks for your suggestion TL. It was such a good session and I was so excited that I cried in the waiting room:)

We talked about how my older two kids view. After I picked them up from school, my oldest s said, "Hey Mommy. Guess what? Daddy talked to me today." I said, "Oh gosh really? What did you guys talk about?" He said, "Nothing Mommy. You know he didn't talk to me." I told the C how I felt I was in such a weird place with the older 2 kids never asking about h or even wanting to see him. Actually, D9 says she likes to give h a hug. I probably shouldn't admit this, but in a way, it is easier. S4 has the biggest challenge with h. He used to cuddle with him in the morning and evening. I know the kids love their dad, but the older 2 are growing more and more distant from him. This would have killed old h. New h doesn't care or can't bear to see it. The C said I should not encourage the kids to go to h's apt on Sunday. She said let that be each kid's individual choice.

We discussed how this just simply was not what I was picturing for my family (I know-we all feel that way here.) We talked about my intimacy issue and we will delve in their more next week. I told her that was very much my issue and that h and I should have discussed that rather than letting it slide. We discussed my fierce independence, and how it makes it difficult for me to let go of things. I told her I have to keep working on me. She agreed. I told the c one thing I struggled with is that I love h very much and I am very forgiving. Regardless of the outcome, I will have to continue to be forgiving. The reality is h struggles to be around his kids. Has shortly after they exited the baby stage. I thought he would get better as they got older, but it has actually been the opposite. My h had to stop taking s10 to boy scouts because he said he simply could not do it.

I guess I'm grappling with the fact that while h is in crisis, he has always suffered from low self esteem and an inferiority complex. He is broken (his words) and maybe he just always pushed this further down. The crisis has compounded and he can blame me for it all. I guess I'm just sad that h may never know how much I love him as he thinks external things will "fix" him. As Job said, I just have to leave him alone. Leave him to G-d. This is his journey-even h said that tearfully at the end.

Anyway, one thing I am truly appreciating is my time with my kids. My d9 says "Mommy, we are a party of 4." That makes me sad. I miss watching Jeopardy with h and reading funny celeb gossip sites to him. My kids need a stable place and I am doing all that I can to remind them and show them how special and loved they are. They really are 3 miracles that I love more than I ever thought I could. I keep journaling and need to work on going out with friends more. I could use a few more good laughs. Used to get those from h. Now, I don't see a smile.

I'm taking the kids to Disney for spring break. I'm a daredevil:) Thanks for listening everyone. Hugs to you all.

[TL72*]

hey GB - i'm glad you had a good session. you know my h said the same thing that he's broken. I've come to the same conclusion about giving it to God and leaving him alone. I don't think mine knows how much I love him either. I got the letter today with the final divorce hearing on April 4th. I knew it was coming but it still made me sad. I know what you mean about watching shows and sharing the laughs, i'm sorry that your kids are suffering. In my case only I'm suffering and I assume H is too. probably more than we think. that's so great you are going to Disney!!! That will be new memories that your children will never forget, how fun!! good for you. I'm proud of you the way you're handling this, you have a lot on your plate. hugs to you too - take care

[Georgiabelle]

I'm sorry TL. I know you were expecting them but that just. $& /@s the same. I see you have several furry people. I love mine too!

I spoke too soon. D9 started crying tonight that she remembered a commercial for an attorney on the radio discussing divorce and separation. She asked her dad what that was and he told her she never had to worry about that. D9 said, "Mommy, Daddy lied." Me and all 3 kids cried. This just s$& ks !!!

[BklynMom]

Yeesh that sounds really tough and sad.

Boy we want to give our kids the world and not watch them suffer even for one second.

Remember each day how blessed you are with healthy kids and good finances.

We do not get to choose our hardships, God does. Life is never going to give us exactly what we want.

Please know you can show your kids how to recover and thrive.

I too heArd those exact words: I'm broken

[bluesgal]

GB-I am so sorry to hear your kids' suffering. It is so hard to watch them hurt and worry. My D cried last Friday night about her dad leaving and said if he really loved her, he wouldn't do this.

I'm glad you are seeing a C. I talk openly about seeing one around my kids and family and hope that it will help them know it's always an option to talk with someone if you're feeling down. I have learned so much from my C-she's great.

TL72-Sorry to hear you were served. I can't imagine that right now. I'm sure you've been having extra cuddles with the fur babies. They are always there for us aren't they

I too, have gotten the "I'm broken" comment. He's even lashed out at me and said "I broke him"