Barrybran IV - Three Years Forward, 30 Years Back

[Lostforwords]

B,
I would definitely say nothing about it. There is pressure, etc in saying thank you. Just act as if it is a regular occurrence. You celebrate the 5% quietly....in your mind.

[Barrybran]

Thanks LFW.

Journaling:

So much for having plans today. I had a mental list of things I wanted to get done today including clearing the shed and finishing all the linen washing we had left to do. So far today I've also helped my wife take recycling to the tip; wait around for the handyman to look at my toilet, go to the hardware, come back and find out that he can't actually fix it; taken my wife to the bank, bought tickets to the local show on the weekend and gone into daycare to sort out my daughter's enrolment. On top of that, my daughters have got on my nerves with whinging and whining. My son will be home in half an hour so I think it's going to be quiet time and I'll crack into that washing as a low-key-but-prpductive activity.

With all the problems with the real estate my wife has become quite angry about it. She vented a couple of times today and I feel I validated well enough but I noticed I'm still too quick to talk and not so quick to listen. I caught myself reasonably quickly each time but I need to just shut up, let my wife say her piece and validate it. I've made sure to let my wife know about everything that involves her today by text message. It's probably been a bit of overkill but my memory is terrible and I'm trying to make sure she knows I'm taking care of the things she's asked about as well as anything else that may affect her. I think I'll have to start writing notes in my phone so I can save the info up and not bother her through the day with it but still have it at the ready when she's ready to hear it. See how we go.

Yesterday was a pleasant day. I came home after work and did some housework while my wife played video games. She made some small talk through the afternoon which grew as the day wore on and even suggested taking photos of me and the kids sometime. Before the kids got home she did mention making a cooking roster so I'll leave that in her hands. All in all, it was a pleasant afternoon.

[Barrybran]

25, Shawn Achor's TED talk on positive psychology... is that "The Happy Secret to Better Work"? It's the first one that pops up when I Google "Shawn Achor positive psychology".

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

This "weekend" hasn't really gone to plan. Yesterday, I had a list of things I wanted to achieve and I didn't even get close to completing them. My wife threw some things at me that I hadn't banked on, not that it's a problem as I had the day off and she was at work, and I had my two girls at home for the day. Working around everyone's needs slowed me down and it got harder to start back up each time. I was drained by the end of the day and thankfully my kids were good and went to sleep quickly. My wife arrived home as the kids were heading to bed and we watched a TV show we'd been watching together, made some small talk and she went to bed.

Through the night, my two eldest kids were sick from what I suspect was food poisoning from my cooking. I was up with my son for 2.5 hours while my wife was up with my daughter for the same time and neither went to school/daycare today. We were all drained this morning but my youngest decided to pick up the slack and became a right handful throughout the morning. My wife asked if I wanted her to call the babysitter and I agreed as I was tired and still wanted to get some things done around the house. By the time the babysitter arrived, I was losing patience with the kids and desperately needed some alone time.

The babysitter took my kids away and I pottered around getting some things done but I just didn't have the energy. I fell asleep on the couch for a while but not nearly long enough. I've enjoyed my alone time today and it got me thinking, with how my days off had gone, that I might need to call the babysitter in on one of my days off so I can get things done and have regular alone time.

With the kids around, not only did I not get much done yesterday, I wasn't able to go to the gym either. I'm enjoying the gym but I've always seen it as my responsibility to look after my kids on my days off rather than palming them off to someone else. This afternoon has made me realise that I need to suck it up, let someone else take care of them and use a day to take care of myself and the house. I'll still have a whole other day to look after the kids and hopefully I'll have more energy, interest and patience with them having taken care of myself too.

[Barrybran]

25, Shawn Achor's TED talk on positive psychology... is that "The Happy Secret to Better Work"? It's the first one that pops up when I Google "Shawn Achor positive psychology".

Still chasing an answer to this one if anyone is familiar with Shawn Achor.

[Barrybran]

Well, I'm almost at the end of DR. It's taken longer than I planned but I feel it's helped me reflect on who I am and who I want to be more than anything I could do with or for my wife. I feel more aware of what's going on around me but ultimately I feel happier within myself knowing where I've been, where I've wound up and where I want to go. I did skip the exercises so it's all pretty vague at the moment but DR has helped shape what I want moving forward by using my past as a guide. I've thought more about the beginning of my relationship with my wife in the past few days than I have the past 2.5 years.

In particular, I've thought about the first time I met my wife. I met her online in January 2010 playing a game. We chatted and developed a friendship. She was seven months pregnant with our middle child and I was saving money to travel the US and Europe. We spoke everyday about all sorts of things. She decided to visit her mum in my home state in June that year and I asked to meet up if our schedules aligned. At the time, I was working in the north of Western Australia for several weeks at a time and I was home for only one week per month.

As it turned out, we were able to meet. I met her at her mum's place and she spent an hour getting her then 3yo (our 6yo son) and then 3-month old organised so she could go out with me. I spoke with her mum as I waited and watched and admired as she did her thing. We went out, wandered around a nearby harbour complex while chatting and wound up playing mini golf. I felt chemistry with this girl and as we started the round I decided I had to explore it despite our differences. In the middle of the round I pulled her back from her shot and kissed her. It was very awkward but enjoyable. I kissed her again after the round and we continued chatting freely the rest of the time we were together.

Growing up and even through my adult life I've never been a man of action. I've always been happy to go with the flow and I had a terrible habit of procrastinating (sound familiar?). I always had trouble taking that first step but once I did I usually succeeded. Despite this girl being from the other side of the country with two kids and my ambitions to travel, I felt the chemistry and I HAD to know if there was something there. Normally I would have chickened out but this day I didn't and despite the awkwardness, it began the story that is now my wife and I.

I was positive and happy around my wife for the first few months. We adored each other. I don't know for sure what happened to us the first time but I suspect my old self had crept back and my wife picked up on it before I did. By March 2011, despite her being pregnant with my child and me having quit my job and moving across the country, we had broken up because I was needy, lazy and entirely dependent on her.

This cycle repeated itself though taking longer to play out the second time round. I thought back to the day my wife and I met in person as I was a completely different person to who I am now. I showed my future wife an attractive, interesting, independent man and I received the greatest gift I've ever had in my wife and kids. When that changed, her feelings about me changed. I have a lot more reflection to do on the early parts of our relationship but I must admit, I feel I was a catch at that time. That's the person I need to reinvent. My wife took me back because I did become that interesting, independent person again and sure enough, I reverted to my old ways and mentally, off she went.

My wife has been a bit sketchy with me this week. She's fluctuated between cold and distant with one word answers to suggesting having pictures taken of the kids and I. She called me at work today to ask about my schedule and talk about a pay raise she's getting and a few hours later she's being sarcastic (not in a good way) and closing the door on me without so much as a "good night". After all I've put her through I don't blame her. She had shown me love the whole time and I didn't appreciate it because I was ignorant as well as not understanding her love languages.

I've been happier this week, even with the 1.5 "lost" days where I got little done and the kids got to me. I had a moment yesterday where I was listening to music while mowing the lawn and I was lost in my own world for a while. It's something I've missed and it's a great destresser. It also allowed me to think clearly about things like the firsr time I met my wife in person. It's something I need to bring back to my life.

I still have my low moments such as last weekend but I recover from them faster and more productively and overall I feel more happier within myself. I truly feel I can win my wife back eventually even though I am more comfortable in my own bed and more comfortable in my own space right now. I feel I have some direction with this listening stuff rather than plodding along wondering what I'm really focusing on. I am still comfortable getting a life within the confines of my home and while I don't have money for what I really want to do right now, I have kept on track with family money items and I have my 'to do' list firmly planted in my head.

Sorry for the length of this post. I got carried away. I do have more epiphanies to share, particularly where family is involved, but I'll leave it there for now

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

Oh, it's fun dealing with a WAW sometimes. She has been incredibly cold lately and even ventured into rude a couple of times. She's been sarcastic, disbelieving and unapologetic. She did make me breakfast this morning but seemingly as an "I'd better offer him some while I'm here" situation. I know it'sall par for the course and I'm dealing with it well. I feel more at peace with myself and more calm when she's around even though she appears tense and, in the case of this morning, downright moody.

Over the past week she has made mention of our finances and she wanted to discuss them yesterday morning before she went to work. She stated she was running out of money and it turns out she had. I wasn't sure this was true but she's been straight up with me so I assumed it was with some skepticism. The problem is I'm spending more than I thought too and between us we should be on easy street. This causes two problems for us: first, if she is planning something she may feel stuck because we don't have funds to do our own thing; and secondly, we don't have funds for GAL activities, which is a big problem as she has spent increasing amounts of time away from the house (I understand this is necessary but I don't want her to feel regretful about spending money and resentful for not spending it) and I can't start the projects I had planned to. I can't even fix things around the home that need fixing.

So now I have to start collecting receipts and really go over what I'm spending with a fine-toothed comb. My wife may not be my biggest fan right now but I'm sure she'll appreciate a few extra dollars to spend, even if she things she's the one that will have found it. Yet another thing for the to-do list.

Patience, B!

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I got a mini-lesson in mindreading tonight. I was supposed to finish work at 8:30pm tonight and with the local show on I was expecting to beat my wife and kids home. My colleague fell ill and hour before the store closed and I sent her home half a hour later and took on her jobs. I knew I wasn't going to be home before 9:30pm but I didn't think my wife would care and my kids should have been sleepy.

Fast forward to 9:30pm and my wife sends a text saying only "where are you?" It's the first time since BD I wasn't where my wife was expecting me to be but I was surprised she asked given her distance and attitude toward me lately. I responded very briefly that I was at the store and she responded noting my expected finish time. I started thinking she might actually care which would still be a shock but I guess I'm always where I'm "supposed" to be so it would have been a surprise for her too. I told her about my colleague to which I get three texts saying "nevermind. Everyone is in bed now", "kids thought you'd be home" and "told them you'll see them in the morning". I'm surprised my kids were still alert at that time but my wife has been straight up with me since BD so I have no reason to believe it was a cover for herself. I feel the lesson is to not let your mind wander and just focus on what's been asked/said.

I wound up finishing at 10:30pm, two hours later than expected. My boss came to help me out which was nice. Everyone is in bed so I have some quiet time by myself before bed. I have a big day tomorrow as I'm taking the kids back to the show before I head to work again at 2pm. My wife has the day off but has chosen to go into work rather than come to the show with us but I was expecting that. She's going to the show later in the day with the kids and other family while I'm at work. I'm looking forward to spending some time with the kids, seeing their artworks from school and watching them play on rides.

[Barrybran]

I woke up this morning to find my wife wasn't here again. I expected it this time and coped a lot better than I did last weekend. Obviously, I've still got work in the detachment department to do but I've felt really good about myself in the past week. My main feeling at the moment is concern that she feels so uncomfortable with me that she feels the need to stay elsewhere. I can live with the 'she doesn't like me right now' part but the fact that she feels she can't stay in the same house as me without the kids around is upsetting.

My wife's attitude and actions toward me has changed since our argument about me not listening. At that time she also realised that I'm more like my Dad than she initially thought and told me so. Unfortunately, my parents come back today for a couple of days as it's D3's birthday on Tuesday. I've enjoyed the past couple of weeks without them here, despite my wife's distance from me, and I'll be looking forward to them leaving again.

So I start today with an empty but very messy house (thank kids). I've only got cleaning on the cards today until my parents arrive and then my wife and kids will be back later in the day. See how we go.

[Barrybran]

Another quick journal:

The distance is bugging me a little this morning. I want to send her a text to reach out, let her know I've noticed her distancing and to let her know I'm available to her any time she needs to talk. I won't do it because I know I have to act and not speak. ie. I have to listen and wait for her to believe the change rather than saying I'll listen and expecting her to talk.

I've been doing well with the patience thing recently. Knowing what I'm in for has made it easier to deal with but I calculated the time since the argument (three weeks Tuesday) and it's not nice feeling as though she can't talk to me. I get it though; I've shown her a person who doesn't listen so it'll take time to show her a person who does.

I miss the good time we had in January. I know a lot of it was her trying new things but it also felt natural. I understand her frustration that she felt we were sweeping things under the carpet and that she was initiating everything that happened but I was still firmly in DB 101-mode and had no idea how to handle the sudden change in her actions. Now, I'm hoping she'll just smile again around me.

The positive about the January experience is that I know things can turn around. It will require some effort from my wife and that decision isn't in my hands so I understand that I can only work on me at the moment. Our hands are tied with money at the moment which makes things a little more complicated (neither of us can do GAL activities; takes away any choice she has to stay/move out). I'll be delving deeper into our budget to try and find some extra funds so we can have some fun (individually) and hopefully make things a little easier and lighter at home.

I do have an issue about money I'd like some feedback on though. My wife firmly believes the issue lies in how I shop for food. I go down to the shops once a day to buy things we need. In the past I have bought a couple of things for the kids and/or I but since she brought it up I kept it to only what we need. My wife believes we should shop once a week and top up bread, milk and vegetables as required. My issue with this is that I have little knowledge in how to defrost meat effectively at short notice so I prefer to take it out around lunch time so it's ready to cook at dinner time. My wife doesn't know what she wants until around 5-5:30pm so I either have to guess and defrost (bad idea), use the microwave (no idea) or buy fresh meat when I know what she wants. I have tried the 'cook what I want when she can't make up her mind' idea but it backfired because she thought I wasn't taking her thoughts into consideration.

Is this type of thing worth bringing up? She's not my biggest fan right now and I feel a discussion about what she thinks and what I think should bring about a solution but I also understand logic doesn't exist right now... and I understand most people probably don't even know what they want for dinner either :p