I think it based on this interaction in Tarheel's thread, in which you seemed to be suggesting a more aggressive approach to a cake eating W. The DR approach is pretty passive, basically you wait out the A, because you are in essentially a position of little to no leverage. So I wanted to know how you really could reasonably act on your decision that you deserved more and weren't going to take crap, besides the nuclear option.
I'm sure I've misunderstood either the comment or how one would do that. That was why I was seeking clarification.
I am still trying to understand how you think I am going against what is listed under Sandi's rules. I remember nothing in the rules that suggest being passive. Is there something I've said in a post that suggest I contradict myself? I will try to clarify anything I have said, to the best of my ability.
I do personally believe in a more aggressive approach, instead of being passive and serving cake to the WAW who refuses to end her A.
If you will observe the ones who encourage the more passive approach to DBing here on the board, I think you will find it is other LBS giving that advice to each other. I have never seen a WAW here on the board tell a LBH he should act like little bo peep with his W who refuses to end an affair. Never! If anything, we are much tougher on the WAW's than the majority of the LBH's here, b/c we "know" how that mind/heart works. We know that being afraid of the W and/or serving her cake is almost the worst thing he could do to save his R. But there are such a few of the WAW's who come here.
As I said in the other thread, I believe the LBH should have a plan of action. Reacting on an emotional impulse, or doing something to get a response from the WAW....is not a plan of action. He needs to know what is most important, list his priorities, secure his finances, seek legal counsel, and protect himself and his children. Those are just the first items that come to mind. But that's what I mean by having some plan of action. A man should know what he can't live without, and won't he won't live with.
The epitome of disrespect for her H is for a W to have an A. But I maintain that she started feeling disrespect for him as a man before she ever saw OM. From what I have observed over the years, the majority suffer from a lack of attraction....which often leads to SSM. (I have read a few that claim their sex life was fine up till the A.)
I don't want to repeat a lot of what I said on the other thread, except to emphasize that a woman has to feel respect for her H before she can have those deep, sexual, loving feelings H's want from the W. Of course, there are other things that can happen in the MR to cause problems, but this such a common one that men could correct if they would take the right approach. That's why he needs to look at himself to see how he's changed since M, and what he needs to do to improve. Not kiss her rear, not make things easy for her, not declare his undying commitment to her, not by housecleaning, and not by talks.
I don't want any LBS to misunderstand and think tough love is being mean, cold, angry, ugly, throwing a fit, etc. It takes a lot of strength to show tough love and stick to your guns. It is not for the weak. A few men actually "get it" and have the wisdom and courage to apply it. But please don't think that DBing is all about doormat behavior and being the fearful, passive LBS who just accepts whatever conduct the WAS chooses to have. Our decisions and choices have consequences. The WAW
I don't agree with some people about unconditional love in M. I don't agree about judging. But everyone has their own opinions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
