I'm in, Wife's Out - Pt. Two

[25yearsmlc]

Talked to W for a little while today about IC session. She asked very pointedly if we talked about the anger problems. Of course I said yes. Told her that we ended up talking about my issues w/ my brother from my childhood and the baggage my dad left all of us kids from his escapades when we were younger. W said that she had been thinking that has been a problem for me for a while but didn't feel like she could bring it up w/ me.

W said "it gives me more to think about for sure," and to quote her, she said "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad your working on this. Not just in case we work things out but for the next person you'll end up with."



I wasn't too sure how to take that but it was a good conversation. Personally, I think I got A LOT out of yesterdays session. Hopefully future sessions will prove to be beneficial.

The reality is that if your w comes to believe that you are indeed becoming the man she always wanted you to become,

but that some OTHER woman will gain the benefit of that work,

she will be bothered by that.

Sure, she'll say (& maybe sincerely) she is "happy for you". But Trust me on this. She'll wonder about her choice to leave, or timing of it. She'll also probably resent that it took her wanting out, for you to change. But that, is that...meaning...

I was at a workshop ("EE", which is the "Essential Experience" workshop. I think you really ought to look into it.

It's based in Philadelphia ands it's a personal growth (individual) workshop. That way, you work on YOUR stuff without mixing it all into the m, b/c even though it may affect the marriage, it's your work to do. (But you getting healthier, helps all your r's)

Plus, when I went to it, I found that there were issues not directly related to h or our m, that I wanted to work on but not necessarily in front of h.

(Like my r with h's mother, for one, and some things that happened in my childhood I had never shared).

So, for me, going alone was much better. After my h saw the changes in me, which were significant, he went himself a few months later (and he's NOT the type of guy to do that. We were both military officers at the time, too. Touchy feely stuff we did, we pretty much kept quiet about).

To sum it up, it was like 2 years of therapy in one long weekend. Seriously profound.

ANYHOW, here is a situation that may resonate with you.

There was a recovering alcoholic father there, with his adult son.

((15 Years earlier, the dad/mom divorced and the adult son and dad were now trying to build a better R. The dad had been sober for a decade now. He had remarried and his "new" wife & he had a baby boy.))

Towards the end of the workshop, the adult son stood & said

"You are now this great dad and husband for your baby boy. But it hurts to know that for ME and mom, you were a jerk & a drunk. So we got the worst parts of you... and now your 'new family' gets all the best..." (ouch!)

To which the father said, "Son, You're 100% right, and I'm SO so sorry... The best I can do now is to be the father you always needed/deserved me to be, from this day forward"...and then they embraced.

(I mean, what else was there to say? Humans are flawed.) It was an intensely bittersweet moment.

In your case, I think your w would very very much like to believe and then trust that you will be your best self, for her and the kids... not someone else later.

Since your w is also in counseling, you don't ever have to worry that she isn't working on herself. Plus, I don't mean to hammer it too much but I do feel like you have plenty of your own stuff to deal with.

With respect to your new T, and the whole PhD deal. My experience has been somewhat similar, but don't discard all therapists b/c they are not all PhDs...

I've had some therapists with Masters degrees who were plenty helpful and at least one PhD who was just into observing, I used to wonder why we paid her...

My caution is this: When we spend a ton of therapist's time on our past, (looking in the rear view mirror instead of where we are now heading)

and the past is something about which we can do nothing, it can sometimes deflect from our "solution based approach" here.

This DB site is about USING NEW TOOLS NOW to change our relationships now. Some therapists are in alignment with that and our MC (a PhD) said "If you don't begin any new behaviors or nothing changes after 5-6 sessions with me, I'm not helping you enough..."

I like that^^ b/c I see people who use the same T for years, with no change...wth?

Sometimes rehashing the past just keeps us stuck, b/c it ends up justifying our behaviors too much, or makes us feel worse about our lives to the point of wanting to retreat/leave/divorce b/c it's the only thing we can now 'do'.

Plus we tend to dig into negatives in therapy, not the positives. That can distort.

SOME history gives context to our present lives, however, so I don't mean to suggest you throw out the baby with the bathwater.

Just saying at some point after we realize, for instance, how our alcoholic parent DID hurt us, or a R with a sibling DID stink, or whatever past event damaged us...then

we still have to ask 'okay, NOW what?" And that is where a great T will help, as will DBing...

and that workshop I hope you'll look into.

I promise you that a workshop will give you a jolt on the path, and a good therapist can keep you on that path.

Also, for a short little exercise or tutorial on behaving differently, try watching some TED Videos from the TED conferences. One is by Shawn Achor (?) and the other is Amy Cuddy. You can find them on youtube. They are about 10-20 minutes long but quite profound in their findings. Also easy to watch and then ponder.

Both Cuddy and Achor talk about how we can change our selves, by DOING or SAYING certain behaviors/words...that in effect, we'd change "outside" and then that

change, can sink in and the change becomes who we really are. So it's like faking it til you BECOME it, as opposed to just "faking it til you make it".

An example of this (not the TED talk but the "outside in" thing)

A good mc asked us to commit to 6 weeks of ONE behavioral change.

That change was for us to be very courteous to each other for 6 weeks, with zero fighting as a partial goal.

We could write down the fight we "wanted" to have (for later)

but for 6 weeks we were to be unfailingly polite and courteous to each other EVEN IF it felt awkward or silly and even if we felt justifiable anger.

A few times it was so silly, in the situation, that we ended up mostly, laughing...

and you know what? When someone is calm and polite to you, it's very hard to be super mad for long. It stops things from escalating...almost radical in it's simplicity, but effective.

Food for thought. So, check into that individual EE workshop for YOU,

(maybe save Retrovaille for later, when your w agrees), work with your new IC,

dig deep, making sure you do get back to "now what?" when you can,

and see the TED talks mentioned.

I'd like to know if you get anything out of them. My h and I felt a confirmation of some good changes in our m.

So, KEEP AT IT!!