When to Give Up?

[Upwards]

Story here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2432769#Post2432769

My H is a WAS and is in an EA/PA with a girl he met in rehab, he claims its not a relationship and they only slept together once but he speaks/texts her several times a day.

He said he doesn't feel "that way" about me and that he cant see any way that we can get through this and have a future, he's completely unwilling to work on our marriage "right now". He has said a lot of typical WAS things and is blatantly trying to build a case against our marriage and trying to convince himself there is no way forwards for us. He's also said things like "we don't know what will happen in the future" and that "maybe we'll end up back together one day" but that's as far as it goes. He's never asked for divorce and its me that's brought it up to see if its what he wants.

He's been very clear that he still wants me as a big part of his life, but obviously not as his wife!!! When i've tried to cut contact and leave him to his life he's rang/text me constantly, sometimes with excuses (we have children and a business together) and sometimes just for a "chat" and every time we have NC slowly he begins contacting me more again. I suggested having a 1 or 2 month NC period where we arrange someone to go between with the children and make arrangements to use only email for business stuff and he replied "wow that's a long time not to speak isnt it" so i'm not sure what he thinks separation and divorce is?!!!

At the moment i'm doing 180 (as best I can to fit with the business, GAL and working on myself in IC - i'm trying to move myself forwards regardless of him and bring the focus back to me.

I'm just really unsure if i'm wasting my time on this, am I better just to walk away and completely cut contact with him except for minimal contact at work? Is there a chance here, has anyone been through simular and what was the outcome?

Any help appreciated, i'm so worn out and dont know whether to just give up and keep hoping.... desperately heartbroken and trying to make sense of it all.

[AnotherStander]

I'm just really unsure if i'm wasting my time on this, am I better just to walk away and completely cut contact with him except for minimal contact at work?

Yes. Do it not to save your M, but to save YOU. You're on his roller coaster and you need to get off of it before you can start your healing process.

Is there a chance here, has anyone been through similar and what was the outcome?

We can't predict what will happen, many of the LBS's here do eventually reconcile but it's after long months if not years of working on themselves and becoming independent, strong, happy people. Accuray just mentioned in another thread that the LBS has to get to the point that they really don't care what happens to their M, they are moving on and enjoying life regardless. It's at THAT point that sometimes the WAS looks back.

[Upwards]

Yes. Do it not to save your M, but to save YOU. You're on his roller coaster and you need to get off of it before you can start your healing process.

So I tell him to stop calling, stop texting, stop being nice, stop wanting to be my friend? Just cut him out of my life as much as possible to enable me to build my own back up?

He rings/texts me several times a day, why is he doing this if he doesnt want me in his life? I dont understand why he wants to share things with me and wants me to be part of his everyday life if he doesnt want me in his life?!

We can't predict what will happen, many of the LBS's here do eventually reconcile but it's after long months if not years of working on themselves and becoming independent, strong, happy people. Accuray just mentioned in another thread that the LBS has to get to the point that they really don't care what happens to their M, they are moving on and enjoying life regardless. It's at THAT point that sometimes the WAS looks back.

I'm ready to walk away as i've been given no choice, but its not what I want? To get to the point where I dont care about saving the marriage wont that mean i've given up anyway so it wont matter anymore? Right now I want to get myself out of this hole and find who I am again, it hurts like hell but I love myself more than I love any man and I know that I need to get myself into a good place regardless of him and what he's doing.

[Upwards]

Need as much support as I can get through this, who's out there who can help/guide me? I'd really appreciate it, I want to get into a healthy place for me and my children.

I want to be happy, content and love myself before I even consider a relationship with anyone.

[ye21]

Ok you want to be happy and free....now you are free, not happy but free....all of us come here asking the same, what can I do, why that? And so on with thousand questions....some even develop a career and become the best investigators ever, we have a few Sherlock Holmes here....did that brought them peace or their spouses back? Nop but it made the whole situation worst.

You cant see this but I can and thats why I will bring you to reality... You are not together, now he is doing his life and you feel guilty for living yours maybe because you think its "bad" to feel happy and have a new life if you havent exhausted first all the possibilities of Reconciliation....well thats what most of us do, then clarity replace all that, we accept things the way THEY ARE NOW, and move on without expectations....in the proccess we follow rules that will help us to achieve this state of mind (Sandi rules)

Why they do what they do? No f clue, they just do it and there is nothing we can do to change what they do, but we can change how we react to what they do...
He rings you and text you? Ok fine, let him do that, dont answer, evenctually he will understand and stop doing that.

The title of your sitch its when to give up? Now if you want...there is no time for that, time its that just time, whatever you think today it might be different tomorrow... All the responses are inside you, dont look for answers they will come when you are ready to receive them, this sounds very romantic but its just like that.

We have no idea what he thinks, and this website its to save yourself, once you save yourself, your mrriage can be saved, you are not gonna save yourself in a week but you will ending saving yourself if you want...that is called TAKING ACTION, and every action has a consecuence, if you take those actions he might or not come back but yourself will definetly come back, thats for sure.

I keep repeating the importance of accepting the things the way they are now and this is crutial if you want to have a chance of reconciliation, if you cant accept you cant reconcile, its so simple as that.

I did parties, hang out with many girls, hurt some feelings, dissapointed my parents and many things that form the picture of who I am right now, I am 34 and up till not too long ago I kept telling myself how bad was all that, today I think that there is no good or bad, I did it because at that point thats what I knew and didnt knew any different, would I do that today? Its not really what calls my attention so nop I would not do that, do I regret? Hell no, otherways I would not be in the point that I am now in my life!
The things I did teach me many lessons and I have learned from all of them, you cant run from your feelings, they will go to sleep but they will wake up one day stronger.
Whatever he is doing, its his and only his responsability to one day look at himself and say, am I happy? If he founds out he is not, he will checkout how to improve his happiness and then he might call you back or not we just dont know, but its fine to not know...
So let him live his life, do things one way or another, I know that you dont like that idea, you want him to experience all those things with you, but he is choosing not to do it and all you can do its respect and accept that....
Some people come back after weeks, month years and some others they never come back, is that your responsability or fault? No, thats why also many spouses leave when everything its just fine, they just need that in that instant and all we can do its accept and respect, if once they decide to come back then we will have a different conversation but now thats all you have to focus on, sandi rules and yourself...why are you avoiding that?

[Breakdown]

Hi Broken1,

I haven't read all your back story, but just based on your summary above, I empathize. I have had a similar sitch with my XW....even today, she still sees OM one day, and tells me she wants to be with me the next.

I have told her in the past, I will not have a relationship with her (outside of co-parenting) as long as she has a relationship with him....regardless as to that is friends, or something different. Her solution has been to lie and hide it, so that she can cake eat (make no mistake...that is what your H is doing too).

The only reasoning I can come up with for this behavior is that I was fulfilling some of her needs and OM was fulfilling others....and as dysfunctional as that seems, apparently it's an attractive solution for her. As weird as I find the sitch, it sounds like you are in a similar boat.

So let's fast forward a bit. I actually sat my kids down this week and told them (the teens anyway), that I would no longer be treating their mother like she was a friend (I would say that is a reasonable description of our relationship for the last 6-8 months). I still care for her, and I am not going to be mean to her, but it's simply not healthy for me to be around her or be friendly with her given her behavior.

As I asked my kids...if you had a friend that lied to you all the time, would you want to hang out with them and be friendly? Pretty easy answer. You have to do what is best for you.

[Upwards]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply ye21, its more appreciated than you could ever imagine & makes a lot of sense.

He rings you and text you? Ok fine, let him do that, dont answer, evenctually he will understand and stop doing that.

What if he wants to talk about the situation & how he's feeling about everything, still ignore? What about things like finances & children, ask him to text so I know what its relating to?
We own a business together so will see each other and have communication because of that, do I just keep it to strictly business and anything else tell him I dont want to discuss?

dont look for answers they will come when you are ready to receive them, this sounds very romantic but its just like that.

I've realised this over the past few weeks, the more i've searched for an answer the harder its become, when i've sat back things have begun to slot into place - only small things but its happened all the same.

I keep repeating the importance of accepting the things the way they are now and this is crutial if you want to have a chance of reconciliation, if you cant accept you cant reconcile, its so simple as that.

I'm getting there with accepting how things are, its a process and I know I not there yet but feel much better than I did a few weeks ago and much more able to cope with the situation than I was. Dont get me wrong I still have bad days where all I want to do it hide but i'm also beginning to see the positives of my situation and find ways to GAL.

Whatever he is doing, its his and only his responsability to one day look at himself and say, am I happy? If he founds out he is not, he will checkout how to improve his happiness and then he might call you back or not we just dont know, but its fine to not know...

He's admitted that walking away hasnt brought him the happiness he expected, I think he's beginning to realise that he needs to find happiness within himself first. I do truly want him to be happy, even if that isnt with me.

now thats all you have to focus on, sandi rules and yourself...why are you avoiding that?

Fear & guilt I suppose.... Guilt that if I walk away then i'm letting my children down, I know that seems insane as i've done so much to save this marriage but I still carry that guilt.
Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of being a single parent, fear of never finding anyone that will love me.... a hell of a lot of fear!!! I'm starting IC tomorrow so hoping that will help tackle and rationalise some of those fears and get them into perspective.

[MrBond]

"I'm ready to walk away as i've been given no choice,"

You always have a choice. YOU made the choice to not walk away.

"but its not what I want? To get to the point where I dont care about saving the marriage wont that mean i've given up anyway so it wont matter anymore?"

No. YOU can control what is in your hands. What the problem is that you've been wrapping your life around the situation caused by your H. You can grow and live outside of the M. It doesn't mean that you give up on your M, it just means that you are going to continue living and growing in a way that wasn't dependent on your M. In fact, your own personal growth has always been within you even when you were together. M just enhances and is a facet of how we grow, just like having the right friends and family. But it doesn't define who you are as an individual.

That is up to you. You want to grow? You want to live? Then do it. The only one stopping you is you.

[Upwards]

The only reasoning I can come up with for this behavior is that I was fulfilling some of her needs and OM was fulfilling others....and as dysfunctional as that seems, apparently it's an attractive solution for her. As weird as I find the sitch, it sounds like you are in a similar boat.

Yes it sounds like very similar, its like he wants me as his BFF and i'm sorry but i'm not willing to take that "demotion" and just slot in where suits him!! I'm his wife or a stranger, nothing in between, of course we need to coparent plus have a business together so it makes it difficult to draw a clear line but I absolutely refuse to just be there when it suits him!

My kids are only 3 and 6 so dont really understand fully as i've kept it age appropriate, my daughter said tonight though that shes very angry at her Daddy

[Upwards]

That is up to you. You want to grow? You want to live? Then do it. The only one stopping you is you.

I know how much sense that makes and how true that statement is but actually putting it into practise is a whole other ball game, I know I hold the key but i'm not brave enough or strong enough to put it in that lock... I dont know how to find that strength, I know I have it within me but cant locate it at the moment!