Part 2-H moving out

[Georgiabelle]

Ah therapy! Thanks for your suggestion TL. It was such a good session and I was so excited that I cried in the waiting room:)

We talked about how my older two kids view. After I picked them up from school, my oldest s said, "Hey Mommy. Guess what? Daddy talked to me today." I said, "Oh gosh really? What did you guys talk about?" He said, "Nothing Mommy. You know he didn't talk to me." I told the C how I felt I was in such a weird place with the older 2 kids never asking about h or even wanting to see him. Actually, D9 says she likes to give h a hug. I probably shouldn't admit this, but in a way, it is easier. S4 has the biggest challenge with h. He used to cuddle with him in the morning and evening. I know the kids love their dad, but the older 2 are growing more and more distant from him. This would have killed old h. New h doesn't care or can't bear to see it. The C said I should not encourage the kids to go to h's apt on Sunday. She said let that be each kid's individual choice.

We discussed how this just simply was not what I was picturing for my family (I know-we all feel that way here.) We talked about my intimacy issue and we will delve in their more next week. I told her that was very much my issue and that h and I should have discussed that rather than letting it slide. We discussed my fierce independence, and how it makes it difficult for me to let go of things. I told her I have to keep working on me. She agreed. I told the c one thing I struggled with is that I love h very much and I am very forgiving. Regardless of the outcome, I will have to continue to be forgiving. The reality is h struggles to be around his kids. Has shortly after they exited the baby stage. I thought he would get better as they got older, but it has actually been the opposite. My h had to stop taking s10 to boy scouts because he said he simply could not do it.

I guess I'm grappling with the fact that while h is in crisis, he has always suffered from low self esteem and an inferiority complex. He is broken (his words) and maybe he just always pushed this further down. The crisis has compounded and he can blame me for it all. I guess I'm just sad that h may never know how much I love him as he thinks external things will "fix" him. As Job said, I just have to leave him alone. Leave him to G-d. This is his journey-even h said that tearfully at the end.

Anyway, one thing I am truly appreciating is my time with my kids. My d9 says "Mommy, we are a party of 4." That makes me sad. I miss watching Jeopardy with h and reading funny celeb gossip sites to him. My kids need a stable place and I am doing all that I can to remind them and show them how special and loved they are. They really are 3 miracles that I love more than I ever thought I could. I keep journaling and need to work on going out with friends more. I could use a few more good laughs. Used to get those from h. Now, I don't see a smile.

I'm taking the kids to Disney for spring break. I'm a daredevil:) Thanks for listening everyone. Hugs to you all.