Rise & Shine VI

[ericmsant2]

3B

I really am not sure what to do.

IMO, this ^^^ is problem number one. YOU are not sure. Add to this problem….

I actually think that it has more to do with my mindset than actual logistics

This ^^^…..
The two above quotes is the issue that I see. You are still hurt, understandably so, but it is the HURT that is driving your choices.
Figure out what you want and what you can live with. You cannot expect for him to change, leave ow, or to be the type of friend that you want him to be. What you can do, is determine what you want.

H has no problem with a flexible schedule

This is good on one one level but on another it is not. Flexibility is good for everyone; however, who defines the flexiablity? That is where I can see an issue. For example…both you and H are sharing the kids, being flexiable – all of sudden H or YOU say that you have something to do and need the other to watch the kids. Who will need to be flexiable. IMO, an agreement can be written with legal language that says “flexiable”; however, there should be a default for those cases where you both do not agree.

H made a point to say that I should focus on doing what is best for the kids (insert eye roll coming from the guy who admits that he gave up and refuses to try to keep our family intact)

IF his actions are consistent with his words, then that is a really good thing. The eye rolling comment though screams of hurt on your part still. FTR, I get it but you need to separarte the M from the parental responsibility. Otherwise, your emotions (right now hurt) drive what you allow and not allow vs what is really best for the kids. It is a tough road to walk 3B – it really is but rememeber, life is fluid and it changes. H may be a great dad today and could end up being a d*ck in the future – if that happens, then you modify the parenting plan.

He believes that the kids are fine now because we are both better parents. I told H that I agree that we are both better parents, but that does not mean they are fine.

In one aspect he is right. You are correct though in saying that “they are not fine”. My only comment would be…why say it? Do you still think that something YOU say is gonna somehow snap his arse out of it? If so, then think again – ACTION will speak. Your and HIS.

Twice this week the boys cried because we could not all eat dinner as a family.

(((hugs))…Yep it [censored]. They are gonna cry. IMO, this is where YOU can make a difference for THEM. You can explain to them that they will have dinner with Daddy on X day and that maybe sometime in the future they will have dinner with mom and dad. This is where you can show them strength, you can show them that regardless, even if the family unit is changing it STILL IS A FAMILY. Just a little different than what they are used to. You can also help show them how to ACCEPT change and how not to be afraid of change. Lessons they will keep for life.

I just hate that he down plays the consequences of his actions.

STOP EXPECTING something different from him. EXPECTATION = DISAPPOINTMENT, which leads to hurt, anger and fustration. ACCEPT where he is today. It takes a lot of practice 3B…a lot…but you can get there.

OW is still in the picture. H refuses to cut ties with her at the moment. While I can be friendly and can communicate regarding the kids, I dont want him in my life on a daily basis.

OW is NOT the problem. Yes she is a husband, cheating piece of xxx…but she is really not the problem – at least not now. The more you focus on her and their R, the more this is gonna eat at you every day. He is not going to cut ties with her, until he decided to. Notice he controls his actions? Hence YOU control YOURS. You also do not have to be “friendly” – civil is just fine. Since you guys have kids he will be in your life on some level. Just remember that YOU determine what the level is! Don’t walk to talk to him – don’t pick up the phone. Don’t want to see him. Don’t answer the door (with the exception of when it is his scheduled day with the kids). IMO, you are so afraid of what to say or do, for fear of losing him. I say F it! Stop being afriad. Tell him how you feel i.e. “no H you, me and your OW are not going to sit down and have dinner like the brady bunch family until I am ready. Do not bring this issues up to me again.” Then, IF he brings it up again – you do not respond.
The OM may play a role in the kids lives. They will never ever be YOU – mommy. Never. On the contrary, she may help you in an indirect way…… she may help your H with the kids, which gives YOU some time to GAL and enjoy YOUR life.

If my H cared so much about the kids, then we would be willing to cut ties with the OW to allow us to have a friendship regardless of whether we R or D.

Think about this for a sec…..I suspect that YOUR definition of friends is different than his. He probably knows that. So 3B…seriously, RIGHT NOW do you want to be friends with your H, who has an OW? I suspect not, in the future maybe …now..no. You need to heal first and get over the hurt, you need to step back and fall in love with you and figure out what YOU want YOUR life to be….then and maybe then….you can decide IF you want to be friends with H. My gut tells me…that the way you will feel months from now is VERY different than you feel today.

Any advice?

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT
BEGIN TO REALLY DETACH FROM H
CONTINUE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS AND YOU (H and OW are on their own)
GAL
KEEP HEALING.

That is my advice.