Now a little response to the other questions... Having an A its a choice, its not good or wrong, after that being said I never told anybody to clap to the spouse that had the affair, you can accept it or you can not, its your choice. What I am saying is that, if a spouse has an affair and doesnt want to work in the R at that point, no matter what you want or believe, that spouse its not gonna change the choice... Affairs hurt relationships, yes they do, but this is easy, either you come here looking for help and follow DB and the advice or you fill for D and move on, not looking back because the spouse had an affair....
Again unconditional love means I love you no matter what decissions you do take or not take, once you GAL and work on yourself and love yourself unconditionally you have a choice.... Either you stay on that M or you assume its over because of the A and move on with your life.
I underestand you have values and you want boundaries, boundaries are for you in your life not for others.... If your W comes back and beat the kids you dont have to accept that, if she keeps texting the OM you dont have to accept that and so on... And if she decides she is not going to change that then you can choose to end the R because doesnt fill you the way you want.
Just reread your responses of what I said before, its not that complicate lets see:
Ye, I did not suggest any system of beliefs or values, only that she was committed to work on things. I am open to differing perspectives and interpretations. You are mind reading judgement.
Ok, now she doesnt want to commit at this point...options you have? Take it or leave it, no other option, its hard but its reality.
Again, not what I said. I didn't stop loving her. The dynamic changed, and I can see where problems arose because of that shift that should have been addressed.
Yes my friend, thats life...dynamics change all the time, but if you love yourself you accept those changes, is it change what scares you? Then work on how to accept change without messing your hair...the life of everybody in this forum changed, you are not special, and everybody adapted themselves to the change, you will too, sooner or later but you will.
I don't see this as an acceptance issue. It has to do with new problems that arise in new situations, and failing to alter the response. In that respect, if any couple changes the family dynamic, are faced with unfamiliar issues and don't respond appropriately, then yes, they put their R at risk.
Again, is it change what scares you? Look deeper, when you were a child, in your family...did it was many changes? Did your family moved a lot or divorce or something changed often or drastically?
You mention unconditional love. That is thought provoking. I love her enough to stand by her through A and work for my M and family. Would I accept an open marriage in the name of unconditional love? No, I think I'd rather move on. Haven't crossed that bridge yet, though. Does that make me guilty of not loving her unconditionally? Sounds like you think so.
When did I say that love unconditionally means to stay in the R when they have an affair?? You can love unconditionally a person and not be compatible in a R so then you are better D, the same way you dont stand by her while she is having an A, I never said that, I am telling you, you dedicate this time to yourself, to work on you despite what she does and you continue to take care of your kids, whatever she does its her problem...
I was quite happy in my R. Obliviously so. It is only now in the post analysis, that I am trying to figure out what I contributed to its demise. If I had been more self conscious then, clearly I would have corrected and avoided all this. But I wasn't.
Many people were perfectly fine and their S walk away still...things you dont like on you are for you to correct, not for others, she choosed something, and you are absolutelly not responsable for the choice others do.... Unless you are an abusser or have mental issues which I think you dont have that...
I don't see how you could deal with someone dealing in bad faith. I think that unconditional love can make you LRT patiently for a long time for W to get to a point of being willing to deal in good faith. But I don't think you go forever in an open M, dealing in bad faith, in the name of unconditional love. You have to be true to some minimal common value system.
You dont have to...accept that the faith they have now its not what will make any strong point between you 2, meanwhile work on yourself GAL and move on, they might or not come back with another faith that suits you better and then it will be your choice to accept it or not.
I feel you man, trust me, this is not an easy situation, and I had never said to accept all they do, I am saying, accept the situation, thats the point where your W its right now and nothing will change by you fighting that, you have to step out of this situation untill you see things in a more clear way, it looks like now your feelings cant let you see this in a more productive way... Once you start loving yourself and GAL you will let clarity take place and at that point you will be the one running your show, you will be able to say what you want and how you want it.... Its too early to believe that you can choose clearly...thats my .02 there
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
