Actually my intentions were not to bring her back ...she was just so flustered ...i offered...it was natural for me. Unbidden, I took it as sending her a text today saying I had a nice night is pursuing.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Its just hard to not be like we were but she filed so reality is it is different. W had such a lousy day at work yesterday that I was going to text her saying I hope today was going better ..but I know it's a no no...keep reminding myself things are different and to focus on me. Going to go read DB again now and focus.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
You are doing fine, dont text her, keep moving with your life and if she does something else just enjoy it.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
I can attest to the fact that staying out of W's way and not pursuing is the way to go when W going through this period of her life/divorce process. Early in the evening I raised the idea of attending RetroV, she said she would have to look into before agreeing to go and then again mentioned how she doubts I will "change and stay changed". But that went ok and at least she was somewhat receptive to it. I may bring it up in another week if things are going ok ...but then this happened...
W was going out for the evening and I was going out too but she asked me if I could be home by 11pm because thats the latest sitter could stay. I texted W at 10pm to let her know I was home. She did not respond to my text. Later that night W calls and left me a voice mail that her phone was again acting up and to call her on her friends phone if I needed to reach her and left me the number. I assumed the number was the one that was on caller ID so I rang it back to let her know I got her VM, kids went to bed ok, that I was now home and sent babysitter home, etc. But no answer. I later looked up her friend's number on my phone contacts because I had deleted her VM and called and got ahold of her. Only spoke a few words mainly that i couldnt reach her at the number she called from, i deleted her VM but got her friends number from my contacts and was just calling to know i could get ahold of her should anything happen and to let her know I was home. 30 second call. I went to bed. Heard W come in just after 2am. In hindsight, I should not have even bothered letting her know I was home and everything was good. This morning she went on major rant on how i could even think to call her friend's phone, what was I doing trying to "check up on her", nothing has changed ...you're so controlling ...i know why I want this divorce ...blah blah blah.
Do I explain to her after work today and when she has calmed down that I just wanted her to know i was home and relieved sitter and wanted to be sure I had the right phone number should anything have happened ....or just drop it all together? As I think back on this, in the past she used to call, text whatever to be sure I was home on time for the sitter. So my focus was to let her know that, but obviously now she didnt care about that. I should have just let her get ahold of me like she always has if it had concerned her that much. This whole fiasco has me upset ...what to do?
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
I'm gonna say it was a mistake to call at all. That attempt to let her know you were home via text was a maybe...honestly I'd have just left it, but then the continued attempt to just make sure you could get in touch is definetely controlling feeling. I did something similar once out of concern, so I told myself, and that was the day my W said she was absolutely certain she wanted D.
But lets be honest, it is controlling. Can you tell me that no where in your mind did you want to confirm where she was?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
You just responded yourself Look, she is going out... She needs kids to be taken care off...hubby its my savior...he can definitely solve my problem...and yeah hubby solved problem but dude dont botter me calling me all the time!! We are not together you were only my babysitter!! And you tough you were doing her a favor..... My friend you have to follow sandi rules yes or yes and you need to GAL, if she sees you are always there when she needs things to be done... Whats stopping her of trying new relationships and many other things?? Lets see, your W as any other W they know what they had when they were with you, they know you can take care of kids and all those daily tasks... Now this is my example: imagine you have a car and one morning you wake up to work and ups car its gone..... Tension, fear, stress, a bunch of feelings arise and you call out to your job because of this...and here comes the worst day you will have...at the end of the day car comes back...peace, calm and relieved feelings.... Next morning again car its gone again the same....but this time never comes back so time to plan what to do...
Well this is how your W sees you now, like the car in the driveway, she doesnt even pay attention because you are always there for her.... When we decided to GAL we are showing ourselves not available to their choice, and that made us valuable, valuable to ourselves. Do you understand that?
No Spouse its going to reconcile in a healthy way if they haven't miss you or suffered a withdrawal and worked on themselves...if they come back before that happens the R might die totally.
You need to step out of her circle and just do your life, you start doing things by yourself, yesterday you could it be in the movies, playing video games with a friend, running around town, cycling or whatever.... Dont be so "available" because it means unattractive...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
Do I explain to her after work today and when she has calmed down that I just wanted her to know i was home and relieved sitter and wanted to be sure I had the right phone number should anything have happened ....or just drop it all together?
Just let it go. Try not to get too upset about it and just view it as a lesson learned. I had the exact same thing happen two months after BD. The kids and I had been out of town on vacation (without H). I called to let him know that we got home and that S1 got his first tooth. My H literally chewed my head off because he was out at bars for happy hour and pissed that I was checking up on him.
Since that night in September, I have not called my H on the phone once unless I am returning a missed call from him. That night was a huge turning point for me. Let last night be a huge turning point for you!!
Try and set things up in advance so that there is no need to confirm who will be home to relieve the sitter. Then go about your plans and forget about your W. I know that it svcks and is so hard, but it really really helps to get off the roller coaster. She is a big girl and can handle herself. The less you know about her life the easier it will get, because there is nothing you can do about it even if you know the details. I PROMISE.
I agree with 3B^^^ Just move forward. there's nothing you can do. and I've been there too.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Thanks everyone for your support ...this board has really helped me cope and understand. If I did not find this place I probably would still be begging and pleading for W to come back. W told me earlier in the day yesterday that I have had a good week with her except for Sunday ..i just let it go and didn't ask her to elaborate about Sunday. I like how she gives me a report on her take of how I've been :-/ Anyway was hoping to make it through till this Sunday but I'm sure next week she'll mention that i had a good week except for last night's event. She just can't let go of anything. It seems she can't have one full satisfactory week with me. I will continue to focus on me and maybe some day I'll get there.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
