The star is inside of YOU!

[ericmsant2]

Bjudge

I waited to respond to you as I needed to figure out the best way to respond to you. Sorry it took so long.

Any advice on how you begin loving yourself?

This ^^^^ is probably the hardest question to answer because much like a lot of things in life it is not a one size fits all approach. Loving yourself, can mean different things to different people. I just mentioned on someone else’s thread….how my responses are painted by my own experience…so trying to express how to start is SPECIFIC to me. Maybe what I post here can help you. I hope it does.

I can only respond to what it means to me and how I began. The answer is short…… loving yourself to me means, that you accept YOURSELF EVERYDAY for who you are and who and what you are striving to be. It is total acceptance of oneself – even the crappy parts. It is living as the real YOU. No masks, no lies to yourself, no fakeness. It means, you know and accept that you are a work in progress and will be probably for the rest of your life. It means you know and will work to be the BEST person you can be EVERY DAY of YOUR LIFE. Loving yourself to me mean a sense of peace, calm inside of you that is not, will not, does not require anything from anyone – it is just inside. A peace that surpasses all understanding (I think that is a biblical term). That is not to say that having people in your life that love and cherish you is not important. It is. The difference IMO, is that you would like or want these people in your life – not NEED them. Loving yourself does not mean that you try and be perfect. It does not mean that you do not make mistakes, it does not mean that you will or will not have good relationships. Nope. It means PURE ACCEPTANCE OF YOU. It is how I feel living life as….quite simply…..me. So how does one begin the process? For me, I spent a lot of time INSIDE myself….learning about myself.. then I just CHOOSE to BE and LIVE life as ME. Kinda of love me for who I am or not…either way I was gonna be me.

The list Eric posted says "set boundaries" what specifically are these?

Google “boundaries”…you will find a ton or resources about them. In short, they are “rules” that are put in place to protect YOU. For example: One boundary that I have – if I am in a committed relationship, and my partner decided to cheat, I will end the relationship. No if ands or buts. It is that black and white. As I mentioned above, this is boundary is to protect ME. I know what I am worth, I love me, I value me, I also value my partner and so unless it was agreed that we would have an open R (I do not critize people who do – for each it’s own) cheating is not okay with me. Does this make sense?

If your S is still living with you, do you still hold them accountable for their actions? Or just let them live?

IMO, the answer is always yes – but it is much easier to say than to do. Allow me to explain, if my son broke one of my boundaries (no smoking in the house) then he will be accountable for their actions. Trust me when I tell you that when you have teenagers that will push to the limit – it is what teenangers do – I believe that you need to 1) be realistic with your own expectations (teenagers do not become adults if we try and FORCE our will on them – they do it on their timeline not ours) 2) have boundaries and clear accountability. So if my son smokes, he get’s punished. Period. If he wants to play the I am going to mom’s card then go right ahead. That said, I do believe that one must be very careful with setting of boundaries. There are a lot of variables to consider.

Hope this helps Bjudge.