Do I step in and offer to help her get her finances under control?
First, protect yourself, your W is out of control financially. Do you have a formal S agreement in place? Talk to your L and make sure you're insulated from your W's debt. You don't want to enter D arrangements only to discover she's hanging half her debt on you. Second, DO NOT TRY TO FIX HER. PERIOD. Usually no matter how desperate the WAS gets and no matter how terrible their financial situation, they STILL resent any help from the LBS.
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Do I let her come over and help me clean u the mess left by the flood?
Up to you. If it's something you can handle yourself I would politely decline her offer, but if you genuinely need help or some of the stuff affected is hers then let her help.
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The agreement was that she would cosign oldest daughters college loan and I was going to cosign middle daughters loan. Do I sign both now and hope they accept me for both or push back and see if she can get one of her family to cosign?
Tell her you don't think you can get approved on both loans and ask her what her plan is to get your older daughter taken care of. It is on her, not you.
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I am wondering if this was a set up to expose their mothers dating to me?
Doesn't matter, you know she's dating. What matters is Y-O-U and your daughters. Your W should not be on your radar. By the way, personally I would not have gone to the apt. I would have told the girls to come to your place and you'd fix them dinner, then help them with homework at your place.
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Should I read anything into my youngest saying her mother is acting annoying?
It shouldn't be a newsflash to you that your W is not her old self. WAS's don't just reject the LBS, they push back on everyone and everything they knew before.
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Do I say anything now that the elephant is in the room? Since she is dating, should I?
I wouldn't mention it to her, but I wouldn't pretend you don't know either. IE, if W starts dropping hints then just act like it's old news.
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After sleeping on it what concerns me the most is what my youngest said. My wife has said she did this for the girls. I know she will be angry and resentful that they don't fully appreciate all the she has sacrificed for them because she has already stated it to me before.
^^^All of THAT^^^ is your wife's problem/ issue. You've got to let go! Leave her to her life, you work on your life.
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I plan as soon as possible to share what was said with the wife so she can be aware of the anger that is building in our youngest. I hope my wife will take the time to think on it and also discuss with her IC before she does or says anything.
And do you think it will make any difference, that she will take you seriously? Probably not. Your W will just see it as you trying to browbeat her/ guilt her into coming back. It's between her and your daughter/ daughters, don't try to intervene. You can't fix it. When your daughters come to you with stuff like this then remember your DB'ing, they don't want you to fix it, they want you to validate their feelings. Listen and validate!
