tbm4evr ...continued

[Duds3]

tbm4evr you have the same thoughts as I do and my W said the same thing. "It can get worse too before it gets better." I'm with you, it will only be better, it can't get worse. Two people know what not to do now within the relationship. If anything when the relationship is better both people will look back and say I can't believe we used to be like that, that's how the mind works, its natural.

Are they really happy? Is it what the really want? I'm perplexed that WAW think this will all just go away, the faster they progress. Its a shame WAW can't step back from the situation and make a rational decision.

Its still a positive y'all still live in the same house. Keep trying and God bless.

[tbm4evr]

Thanks Duds. I dont think they're really happy ..nor do i believe that a D is what anyone really wants. But obviously they want to be in a happy M and DB is focusing on yourself so they hopefully will figure out that they want to rebuild the relationship with you to the point of a happy M. In my case, I tended to revert back to my old ways ...just being controlling ...thinking that I knew what was best for W - from her job to who her friends should be to when she should be home, etc. I would keep telling her I would change and things would be good for a while (actually sometimes just for a couple days) and then back to my old ways. Funny thing is just as i finally really "got it", after seeing a pschiatrist and joining a couple support groups to focus on my unhealthy behaviour, my W filed for D. So now I'm just focusing on me - i know I will be a better person for it and if W comes back great. If not, I'm just grateful my W led me to find my true self. I am happy that she is still living here. When she initially filed I'm sure she would have liked to move out but her lawyer's filing also froze all assets and only allows same bills to be paid so her hands are tied on moving out. She said I've been more pleasant to be around so I don't know if she minds being here now during the D process.

[Duds3]

I always ask myself, is it really hard to have a happy M with my W. The answer I think is no. Its still hard for me to believe there life was as bad as they say it was/is. Funny you talk about controlling, I have evaluated myself on this aspect and have come to find out that was never an issue from my side or hers. That was the best thing about our relationship and made us work at such a high level. In my case, my W just wants to be by herself is the only thing I can think of. She wants to be able to come and go as she pleases with no guilt and no concern for anyone else. She wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. Its as simple as that. To that regard, that's not how life works in the grand scheme of things. That's fantasy land. I wish I could be 32 years old and rehash my younger years with no regard for "real life." Which leads me to my next point, how long can she continue on this path?

The fact that your W and mine have moved so fast in the direction of the big D is the scary part. Its like they have made up their mind with no turning back. For Gods sake my W has removed my last name from everything. That was a big slap in the face to be honest. Its like she is embarrassed to be associated in any which way.

[tbm4evr]

If you haven't already, you need to recognize that you can only control yourself ...W will do what she wants to do. Btw, i know women in there late 40s/early 50s still on that path of coming and going as they please, doing what they want when they want - mind you they are D or in lousy marriages. If you cant deal with it and she cant change, well you need to figure out what you want. A divorce takes one person a M takes two to work. So focus on you, be cordial during D process (don't know how long it takes in TN but I still have 5 months here), etc. and hopefully she may not go through with the D. It's unfortunate that she's not still with you because she cant see your 180s. Maybe some of the vets here will have some advice for you. Good luck to you too and God bless.

[gogofo]

TBM

I am certainly not a vet, but will give you some of my advice, take it or leave it.

About the MIL and the kids and suggested date with W. I would suggest you thank you MIL for offering to take the kids and wanting you two to have a date but express the importance of your W to not feel pressured by ANYONE. It is great she is offering help, my MIL did without telling me, but it had a negative effect on my W and I and I took the brunt of the punishment. It was a setback for us.

I see this as pursuing and I think your W will feel the pressure.

My MIL lived off and on with my W the first couple of weeks and it did nothing good for my situation as she was feeling pressured.

I see other things in your post that I also see as pursuing.

You reference doing 180s and giving her space, but the next sentence says you

"let her know that we would never have the same relationship again -only a better one - if we could make it work because we both have learned from our mistakes. I said it breaks my heart knowing our daughter will only remember a time when their mom and dad were together as a distant memory and our son will never remember that time"

I see this as putting an large amount of unneeded stress and pressure on her and you are forcing her to make a decision. I have had the same feeling towards my W, but I have never brought up the kids and only mentioned a better relationship the first week of our separation.

Stop telling her what you are thinking or what you are going to do and let your actions show you are making changes.

When I put pressure on my W she said she wanted a D, so I backed off completely. I want to go and tell her with great pride the amount of work I am doing for myself and all that I have learned, but I will not do it. I let my actions show her my changes, and we rarely see each other. Just recently I have noticed small changes in her interaction with me that make me think she notices my progress.

I see you and Duds trading post and assuming what the wife is thinking. STOP IT, all this does is hurt you! What matters is how you feel, worry about you and give her space and time to think about herself. I assumed about my W in the beginning and still do it from time to time. You need to put up a mental stop sign when you think about the W and change what you are thinking about. I continue to work on this myself.

I try to beam confidence from every part of my body. One day a beam will hit her square on and it will be blinding. I believe if you truly own your work and changes, they will be impossible to ignore.

Keep your head up and with practice things can become permanent changes. Do you.

[tbm4evr]

Thanks gogofo! I agree I'm keeping MIL out of it - would be pursuing. Yes the talk of future relationship and kids is pursuing and probably put pressure on her but she brought up relationship so it was difficult to avoid ...but I could have avoided saying those things. I have not been bringing up our relationship. She just hasn't thought through kids schedule on birthdays, holidays, etc if we are D but you are right, she needs space and time to think about what she wants ...she will come to realize these things on her own I don't need to tell her.

[tbm4evr]

Yesterday W came home from work. I asked how her day went and she said everything went wrong that could..i just listened. Her mobile phone also kept freezing up and she realized that when she had it repaired they forgot to replace the SD card so she had picked up a new one after work. But it was the wrong one and she was flustered. I told her to relax and that I would run out and get the proper memory card. Should i have done this? She said she appreciated it. I had homemade spaghetti sauce going on the stove for dinner. When I was out she texted me to pick up some fresh pasta and batteries for our kids 2 way radios ..so I did. When I got home she got her phone working. I got dinner together, we ate and had pleasant conversation and I cleaned up ..we then sat on the couch watching TV and fell asleep there together. I woke up at 1 and went up to bed. She woke up at 230 and went to bed. I am GAL, doing 180s but this is weird as its like everything is normal. Advice? Should I not have helped her with her phone? Should I not be making dinner for the two of us? Not sharing couch? ...I'm just a little confused. I felt like texting her saying thanks for the nice evening but is that stupid/pursuing?

[unbidden]

Yes, it's pursuing. Just be friendly and cordial, you seem to be doing that. You're good.

[ye21]

What you did felt bad? It hurts you? No right? Well dont think about it...
As I told you before, ACCEPT, dont judge, you are trying to put up a strategy for this...if I say this like that if I do this like that...enjoy those times, now they are past, one day at a time, today its a new day.
Go out and keep loving yourself, let her do whatever she wants, once you start judging and acting up.... Back to stage 1.

I love my W, I haven hear from her since she left, I didnt hear from her family or friends, totally dissapeared.... If she comes back tomorrow and ask me to spend time with her, I will enjoy that time....I will not tell her but girl you didnt contacted me in 2 months at all, what have you being doing? This is not the way to reconcile... Because she will feel judge and run away again.

What you are looking for its for reasurance and security she wants things the way they were so you "know" whats going on... Remember before when you were together? You had " security" she wanted to be with u forever...then one day she BD you and devastation took place....
Enjoy what you have and look for things that makes you happy and make you love yourself, when around her just be you, and enjoy in a normal way, if you dont want to spend time with her then dont and learn to listen to those needs...
Nothing in this life its for sure, but if you love yourself its not gonna botter you that much what she does or doesnt do...

[ye21]

Unbidden, not correcting you, just saying that pursuing its when the other part goes against what we are doing...
He was helping her with a memory card, thats all, maybe his intentions were to do that to bring her back, but he asked her before doing it and she agreed with that so the pursuing doesnt exist in this case.... Again there are not techniques, she responded to his actions naturally and how she felt, you cant tell her to only behave in that way once she assures him that everything will be ok, when a person its scared, actions move in a different way that words, she approached him so thats a little step and its a nice step she took. Appreciate and accept without judging why she did it.