Cadet, I will look for it today. If you have time to link it I do thank you!
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Our relationship has been very child centered. We have grown very far apart. To the point that that when I call to tell the children goodnight H and I didn't even speak. When we did, it was to ask about the kids. We quit kissing goodnight or hello or goodbye. We truly are friends living in a house raising a few kids.
If I go dark, it will honestly be just a more extreme version of the same. A 180 would be to include him in my life again... However, this is also is also pursuing behavior.
We are still living together. How would I go dark (if I should) in this situation?
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Ugh! I need to get out of this funk. I'm having a very depressed / down night again. I just want my husband, my family, my kids to have both parents... I have such pessimistic feelings towards it all right now. I have a headache from reading thread after thread. I don't know which way to go with my sitch. I feel so lost.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time w/your h. It's not easy when they live under the same roof.
It's difficult going dark when you live under the same roof and more importantly have children that you need to discuss and share their activities. From your postings, I gather you are dim now. Is he doing all of his own laundry, cooking, cleaning up, etc.? If not then I would step back and allow him to take care of himself.
If you haven't read the thread on going dark, I have posted the link below. I hope it will help.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, I have been reading as much as I can about going dark. It worked wonderfully for me 4 years ago. That is what caused the turn around and brought him back home.
The thing about going dim... He already does his own laundry, cooks for the family, helps keep the house clean, etc. One of our big issues is the lack of romance / room mate feel we have between us.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Was he living under the same roof when you went dark the last time? Do you remember what you did while being dark?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I stopped initiating communication, set boundaries for when he was at the house while I worked (he came to our house to stay with the kids while I worked night shift), limited our contact to quick comments just enough to get my point across, I started being happy and always left the house or ended the contact first.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
