Wow, I don't even know you guys and reading this e-mail made ME feel like defending you!
OK...I am thinking this through as I write and trying to think about my ex husband and the custody portion of our divorce that is still to this day being decided and finalized.
I do not know the gravity of what went on and what "pain" she speaks of...except for the way she depicted it through this email, as this is the first real insight she has given. I do believe that she truly feels these things and has been hurt, obviously very deeply and enough to do what she is doing.
This e-mail gives me hope! She does not believe you have changed. HAVE YOU?? I believe you have, but again, I do not know you. No matter what, this situation is going to take some time and you still need time. Like someone else said, you have been challenged to prove yourself a changed man by your response here.
I too believe that she is BSing you. My ex does this to me. I know he never did his research though and your W sounds like she has. The problem here is that no matter who was hurt in the marriage, you have rights to your children and to be the father that God has gifted you to be, just as much as she does as a mother. Of course, as mothers we want our cake and to eat it too when it comes to custody. In my situation, my ex has been abusive, and shows major signs of emotional instability. From the description you give of your efforts, I do not hold you in the same category there.
After following your sitch, my advice to you is to:
A. Take out the "defensive" line in your response.
B. Tell her you wish for the same, the best for everyone.
C. Take this opportunity to apologize for the pain that you have caused her in the past. Only do this if you mean it. (I know you do). Tell her that you know you have been challenged by this situation so that you could change and that you are glad that this is happening for that very reason. Tell her that you do not wish to make anything more difficult and that although time has passed, this situation is one of the most difficult things that anyone can go through. Tell her it is THE most difficult thing you have gone through. Let her know that you are confident in your joint ability to come to an agreement and that you are willing to do whatever it takes, with the exception of anything that will make it more difficult to be a part of your childrens' lives.
Don't just agree to everything she demands. She is testing you. What is the deal with the "slander" part? IS this coming from the OM's ex?? Is there any truth to that?
I would also consider saying something that validates what she said about being dignified in her approach thus far. Like I said, I don't know her..and my instinct is to defend...but this is like a screaming chance for you to validate everything that she has wrestled with in getting to where things are. You have wondered what is going on in her head all this time. There it is. VALIDATE with LOVE. LOVING intention in every answer. Humble yourself, but let her know with more time things will work out smoothly. This is also your chance to ease her concerns just as a supportive husband should. Just don't sacrifice or agree to anything until you have to by law. Don't be afraid of her threats financially. You are always in control over how much you pay out for this stuff, meaning...if you have to play hard ball, you have to play hardball and it looks like she is very worried about that...enough to threaten you. Match that in your mind.
I was thinking about this as I wrote it out...hope it comes across...validate everything agree to mothing. Be loving.
Let us know what happens.
Take care Groov. This too shall pass
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
