living with WAW who hasn't walked yet

[ye21]

I told her that I had spent a lot of time figuring out how we got to where we were
and I recognized my part in it, took responsibility for it, and was willing to change things, but that I would need some commitment from her that she really wanted to work on things.

So basically here you tell her to follow your beliefs that are just learned by the way your parents friends and education teached you while you grew up....

Told her that she was gaining back that ambitious career drive that she had when I met her and fell in L with her.

So you didnt love her all the years after that?.... Are you trying to show yourself as a guy who has changed based on what she does??

Told her that although we had agreed to put her career on hold while we had kids, that I didn't think either of us fully realized what it cost us in terms of R.

There are a lot of wives that they quit their career and just dedicate themselves to their families and themselves...are those wives damaging their R with their husbands??
Your W had a choice, then now she choosed something different and you are again showing yourself as a non accepter...

At that point, she interjected that she didn't regret that decision, and that that wasn't our problem.

There you are....why would she reject her choice? She is teaching you a lesson...accept yourself without judging.

I said I understood that was how she felt, but that it may have affected how I treated her.

Wow, now you blame her for choosing what she did choose... You are judging her decission, and who are you to judge? A person who knows everything? Even the future? We accept and thats all we can do... Nothing else, there is no good or bad, only choices.

She became a total dependent, and I became solely responsible for the whole family. We weren't equals any more, and that definitely affected the way I treated her.

So you werent happy in your R and instead of being honest with yourself you waited untill she doesnt want the R anymore to let her now.... She might be taking this as a sign of inestability and as a lie from your side...

I told her that I had been giving her as much space as I could for her to think through things, and that I have been thinking through my part and working on that.

Are you really? Who dictates how much is much space? Did she came to you and told you, honey thank you for giving me space I did needed exactly like that...
No she didnt told you that so obviously you are judging how much space should be given...again you are inviting her to follow your beliefs...not hers

Told her I was committed to working through things when/if she was ready, but that she would have to be at the point where I wasn't being blamed for everything.

Honey dont blame me.... Its her choice to blame you, all you can do its walk away when she blames you or listen to her and not act out of your feelings....those are two appropiate boundaries in this case. Words are words, only you choose how they affect you.

Told her that I loved her, and that she had tested that with A with OM and that I was still her H standing by her.

You are still there because of your own interest, to see if she is "failing" comes back to you and then you can freely tell her. I told you...you were wrong by having an affair...again having an affair my friend its not good or wrong, its only a choice, nothing else... The same way you choose oranges over apples in the supermarket... Or you get depress and do an scene when they dont have apples??

She said she didn't know how she felt, but wasn't sure if I could give her what she needed, since I never had.

Yep, she see something, the guy that ones accepted her completelly, now in the time that for whatever reason she is with other person its not accepting her, its judging her decission.... Untill you dont accept you are not gonna be able to see her side...


But then, I went further. Told her she was free to make her own choices. I don't control her, and don't want to control her; the only way anyone could stay interesting to me would be to be their own person. Told her that I was willing to work with my W, but that I couldn't work with her in the role of OM's mistress. [There's that judgmental alpha boundary.]

Hehehe I love you unconditionally but only when you are with me...otherways I dont find you attractive or interesting... Many on this forum said the same thing... My S now looks ugly and I cant underestand why I married them!! So happy to be divorced... She has the same eyes, the same her and the same body but for you its easier to judge her and not accept her...

She denied A angrily and walked away. Everything had been pretty calm up to that point.

Do you know why S denied affairs?? Because we judge them and they are affraid if they let their S know they will judge them and everybody around them... Do you whant to know the only people that sometimes knows about the S affair? Their friends or the family member who they see and feel that accept them no matter what without judging them...thats why only when we accept they are not longer with us, they come and tell us about the affair, only when they are sure we are not going to judge them...

I will not argue with her, but I will no longer stand and be lied to - there's a boundary there.
She is not liying, she is just not letting you know everything, thats not a boundarie, thats a judgamental way to tell her I will accept you only when you do the things the way I learned they are appropiate. A boundarie will be here not to to talk about the R with her because it hurts you... Boundaries at this point are for you not for her... She has no obligation to follow your boundaries my friend.


Left her with this:
I can't work with you until you commit to honesty. If you cannot be honest, then you have made your choice.

Well I told you before....conditional love in this case, where is that unconditional love you swore her when you took the vows?

So there it is. Broke a lot of rules (every rule), but at the same time, I have a real problem with cake eating, to the point where I apparently cannot just sit and ride out A quietly. Not while she sleeps beside me.

This is your choice, you will be strong or weak by choice not by magic pills.

In that I can't see where what I've done here advances the cause, I have to assume this is a setback of unknown magnitude. I was doing well until she pulled me in today.
And I know she has been noticing my 180's, and is at the stage where she just doesn't know whether to trust them yet.

Again there is no wrong or right, you are doing just fine, it was necessary for you to do this, now do a checkout and analize if that helped you or it didnt and learn from that for the next time, dont judge yourself just think: hmmm this helped me or now it hurts me more?

She is going away Friday for 3 days to some session that is supposed to help her find herself.

Great, the universe its working, did she do this thinghs in the past? Work on yourself and let the universe help her to work on herself, this experience will be so great for both of you....

What have I done?

You had tried something new for you, and you are in a learning procces, and the best thing its that you survived, keep working on yourself.