tbm4evr ...continued

[gogofo]

TBM

I am certainly not a vet, but will give you some of my advice, take it or leave it.

About the MIL and the kids and suggested date with W. I would suggest you thank you MIL for offering to take the kids and wanting you two to have a date but express the importance of your W to not feel pressured by ANYONE. It is great she is offering help, my MIL did without telling me, but it had a negative effect on my W and I and I took the brunt of the punishment. It was a setback for us.

I see this as pursuing and I think your W will feel the pressure.

My MIL lived off and on with my W the first couple of weeks and it did nothing good for my situation as she was feeling pressured.

I see other things in your post that I also see as pursuing.

You reference doing 180s and giving her space, but the next sentence says you

"let her know that we would never have the same relationship again -only a better one - if we could make it work because we both have learned from our mistakes. I said it breaks my heart knowing our daughter will only remember a time when their mom and dad were together as a distant memory and our son will never remember that time"

I see this as putting an large amount of unneeded stress and pressure on her and you are forcing her to make a decision. I have had the same feeling towards my W, but I have never brought up the kids and only mentioned a better relationship the first week of our separation.

Stop telling her what you are thinking or what you are going to do and let your actions show you are making changes.

When I put pressure on my W she said she wanted a D, so I backed off completely. I want to go and tell her with great pride the amount of work I am doing for myself and all that I have learned, but I will not do it. I let my actions show her my changes, and we rarely see each other. Just recently I have noticed small changes in her interaction with me that make me think she notices my progress.

I see you and Duds trading post and assuming what the wife is thinking. STOP IT, all this does is hurt you! What matters is how you feel, worry about you and give her space and time to think about herself. I assumed about my W in the beginning and still do it from time to time. You need to put up a mental stop sign when you think about the W and change what you are thinking about. I continue to work on this myself.

I try to beam confidence from every part of my body. One day a beam will hit her square on and it will be blinding. I believe if you truly own your work and changes, they will be impossible to ignore.

Keep your head up and with practice things can become permanent changes. Do you.