WAW Said She's Done-pt.4- What Happened?

[cat04]

Oneday,

I have been following along for a little while now. You have some wonderful men, whom I respect very much, posting to you...Thanks guys, you know who you are

I think it's time to give you a bit of a woman's perspective...

Please understand from the get go that I am not trying to make you feel worse about anything, however we cannot change what we don't see or acknowledge...

You do not respect your W and you haven't in a very long time, if ever.

That is evident in the way you treated her. And the things that you said to her.

I think you took security in the fact that she was a "good Christian woman" and that she didn't believe in divorce. And that you felt it gave you a free pass to treat her in any way that you wanted to.

There are problems in that theory, because even "good Christians" with deep convictions can reach a breaking point.

Women, in general, want and need very basic things in a relationship.

The words love, honor, and cherish actually hold very strong meaning to women. They want to be loved and cherished and honored every day. In small ways. They want to be chosen. They want to feel like they are a priority in your life.

When all of those things happen, they feel and know that they are respected and valued in the relationship.

When they are told, "deal with it", "you have the problem, not me" and so on...they don't feel loved. They don't feel honored. They don't feel cherished. And they definately don't feel respected or wanted.

When women don't feel those things, sex becomes ugly. It becomes demeaning. It becomes a "duty" and an obligation. And it becomes undesirable.

Knowing all of this, looking at your sitch from the outside, it is actually very easy to see how you have ended up here.

And while both of you are responsible for where you are now, I honestly think your W tried, for a much longer time than you are aware.

Why am I sharing this with you?

Because you want to understand how you got here. The above is a big part of it.

Where do you go from here? How do you change it?

The guys have you on the right path...follow them, dig deep for the answers. As painful as it may be, do the work.

You may end up divorced but that doesn't mean it is over. So please get that deadline out of your head right now.

It will take time and real changes for your W to look back your way, if she chooses to do so. And she may.

Regardless, you will be better prepared for your next relationship, which may or may not be with her.

There is one question, one piece of the puzzle that I don't believe you have answered yet. At least not with real honesty...

Why did you drink? What were you trying to mask? What were you trying to find that you couldn't without the alcohol?

I have more experience dealing with alcoholics that I care to go into here and one thing I know for certain is that there is something, something more than "it was fun" that drives them to take that next drink. Until you face that, you will always be in danger of drinking again and you will not be able to truly change...